You need to see him. If nothing else for the sake of being to function again, regardless of what you think or not about your sexuality. No one else can make you see him for you. It will be the first step to finding freedom, whatever the outcome may look like. You can do this!
But I don’t want to function if it turns out I’m gay.
@BradOCD I had these exact same fears. It’s what OCD does. It keeps us trapped by whatever means necessary based on our theme. The only way to recover is to face that fear that you could be gay or whatever your feared orientation is. Otherwise, you will waste years of your life wondering, something I’ve already done.
@ChristineKJ But what is my fear was correct. Then surely the OCD was right all along.
@BradOCD We live with what ifs all our lives. We can’t say 100% for sure that we won’t get struck by a flying rock and die. Same thing here. We’ll never be able to 100% prove that we’re straight or gay in terms of OCD. OCD is never satisfied. We can only challenge it when it has latched onto an obsession and teach our brains that what seemed so scary isn’t scary anymore.
@ChristineKJ Hi Christine could you talk? How long have you been suffering from this?
@ChristineKJ But isn’t that a bit paradoxical. Like if my brain is now saying “you’d be happy being gay” the only way I can know that is if I go and try that. But the whole point of therapy is I try and stay comfortable feeling uncomfortable
@BradOCD "The only way I can know that is if I go an try it"....thats me! Right there! I'm going mad...
@BradOCD Our brains say lots of things like that but those of us with OCD get stuck on those thoughts instead. I know it’s scary but the fact that you have such a fear response around therapy is a sign that that’s where you should be going and leaning into the discomfort. I was where you are and I promise, it’s worth it.
@OCD33 2.5 years at this point but I’m now in recovery! It has definitely been a journey to get here.
@ChristineKJ I am hung up on the arousal aspect. I have never just been “turned on” seeing a man naked. I also have been turned on by women being portrayed sexually. This is enough proof for me :( im so happy you are in recovery. We’re these thoughts with you 24/7?
Im just convinced however that Ive lost and im not actually straight as I previously thought. I want to so badly speak to a therapist but then again If im gay which I think i am I feel hopeless and dont wish for anything except death.
@OCD33 I relate to that completely! I am the same way. Random naked men don’t arouse me much and when the OCD hit, I felt like I was being aroused exclusively by women. It was terrifying. The thoughts were so oppressive and crushing day in and day out, so definitely! I seriously wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for ERP. My therapist sent me a great article about nonconcordence arousal and how our bodies are biologically hardwired for sex, regardless of whether or not it is something we’d actually want to partake in. I’ve experienced arousals during my exposures and at first, I was so panicky and miserable. But the more I continued my exposures, the better I became at brushing off the OCD when it wanted to attach to that and was able to get on with my days.
@ChristineKJ Dammnnn you're on fire 😅! I wouldn't have said better although I've been struggling with OCD for 25 years! Good advice! Keep up the good work here 👌.
@Morpheus 75 Thank you! It’s warriors like you that inspire me to help others! We’ve got this 👍
@ChristineKJ You are an inspiration. Thank you for your honesty and taking the time to respond to me. I have had this fear since I was a kid. Can you relate to that? Did you ever think that this was “your truth” when you were in the depths of the thoughts?
@OCD33 Mine came more out of the blue but since developing the theme? Absolutely. My OCD has tried to dig up anything possible from my past to relate to my theme and has tried to present “evidence” that this could somehow be my true self and I just never knew. It is so challenging some days. But what ERP teaches us is that we can learn to become ok with not knowing right now and once we go through that process, we can look back more clearly and put everything into perspective.
@ChristineKJ But Ive the proof was too much and I accepted all of it and believed and now It feels like I jy ust cant go against it
I feel this! I too think I'm just gay and in denial even though I'm gone my adult life never questioning my sexuality. Now, it's all I think about and it tears me apart. I'm to the point where I don't even get anxious at LGBT stuff, I find a sense of relief but it still isn't what I want and would rather be alone or not alive than follow through with being gay.
Sorry you are going through it man, nothing has been the same since this mess started.
Ugh this is such a hard place to be. I've seen so many people there and I want you to know that you're not alone! A therapist will be able to talk to you about *YOUR* specific goals. The content of the treatment doesn't have to center around your sexual orientation. In fact, the goal of therapy for this is not to figure out your sexual orientation. It's all about getting you to live a life that you value so that you can get back to the things that you want to do - including chores, sleeping, eating, and feeling better about yourself. A therapist will be able to help you get better at doing all of those things. I know it seems impossible right now but I challenge you to take it one step at a time. Taking the leap of faith on treatment can be challenging but try to take it just one step at a time and see how it goes. I believe in you!