- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
You need to see him. If nothing else for the sake of being to function again, regardless of what you think or not about your sexuality. No one else can make you see him for you. It will be the first step to finding freedom, whatever the outcome may look like. You can do this!
- Date posted
- 3y
But I don’t want to function if it turns out I’m gay.
- Date posted
- 3y
@BradOCD I had these exact same fears. It’s what OCD does. It keeps us trapped by whatever means necessary based on our theme. The only way to recover is to face that fear that you could be gay or whatever your feared orientation is. Otherwise, you will waste years of your life wondering, something I’ve already done.
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ But what is my fear was correct. Then surely the OCD was right all along.
- Date posted
- 3y
@BradOCD We live with what ifs all our lives. We can’t say 100% for sure that we won’t get struck by a flying rock and die. Same thing here. We’ll never be able to 100% prove that we’re straight or gay in terms of OCD. OCD is never satisfied. We can only challenge it when it has latched onto an obsession and teach our brains that what seemed so scary isn’t scary anymore.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ Hi Christine could you talk? How long have you been suffering from this?
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ But isn’t that a bit paradoxical. Like if my brain is now saying “you’d be happy being gay” the only way I can know that is if I go and try that. But the whole point of therapy is I try and stay comfortable feeling uncomfortable
- Date posted
- 3y
@BradOCD "The only way I can know that is if I go an try it"....thats me! Right there! I'm going mad...
- Date posted
- 3y
@BradOCD Our brains say lots of things like that but those of us with OCD get stuck on those thoughts instead. I know it’s scary but the fact that you have such a fear response around therapy is a sign that that’s where you should be going and leaning into the discomfort. I was where you are and I promise, it’s worth it.
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 2.5 years at this point but I’m now in recovery! It has definitely been a journey to get here.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ I am hung up on the arousal aspect. I have never just been “turned on” seeing a man naked. I also have been turned on by women being portrayed sexually. This is enough proof for me :( im so happy you are in recovery. We’re these thoughts with you 24/7?
- Date posted
- 3y
Im just convinced however that Ive lost and im not actually straight as I previously thought. I want to so badly speak to a therapist but then again If im gay which I think i am I feel hopeless and dont wish for anything except death.
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 I relate to that completely! I am the same way. Random naked men don’t arouse me much and when the OCD hit, I felt like I was being aroused exclusively by women. It was terrifying. The thoughts were so oppressive and crushing day in and day out, so definitely! I seriously wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for ERP. My therapist sent me a great article about nonconcordence arousal and how our bodies are biologically hardwired for sex, regardless of whether or not it is something we’d actually want to partake in. I’ve experienced arousals during my exposures and at first, I was so panicky and miserable. But the more I continued my exposures, the better I became at brushing off the OCD when it wanted to attach to that and was able to get on with my days.
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ Dammnnn you're on fire 😅! I wouldn't have said better although I've been struggling with OCD for 25 years! Good advice! Keep up the good work here 👌.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Morpheus 75 Thank you! It’s warriors like you that inspire me to help others! We’ve got this 👍
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ You are an inspiration. Thank you for your honesty and taking the time to respond to me. I have had this fear since I was a kid. Can you relate to that? Did you ever think that this was “your truth” when you were in the depths of the thoughts?
- Date posted
- 3y
@OCD33 Mine came more out of the blue but since developing the theme? Absolutely. My OCD has tried to dig up anything possible from my past to relate to my theme and has tried to present “evidence” that this could somehow be my true self and I just never knew. It is so challenging some days. But what ERP teaches us is that we can learn to become ok with not knowing right now and once we go through that process, we can look back more clearly and put everything into perspective.
- Date posted
- 3y
@ChristineKJ But Ive the proof was too much and I accepted all of it and believed and now It feels like I jy ust cant go against it
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 3y
Ugh this is such a hard place to be. I've seen so many people there and I want you to know that you're not alone! A therapist will be able to talk to you about *YOUR* specific goals. The content of the treatment doesn't have to center around your sexual orientation. In fact, the goal of therapy for this is not to figure out your sexual orientation. It's all about getting you to live a life that you value so that you can get back to the things that you want to do - including chores, sleeping, eating, and feeling better about yourself. A therapist will be able to help you get better at doing all of those things. I know it seems impossible right now but I challenge you to take it one step at a time. Taking the leap of faith on treatment can be challenging but try to take it just one step at a time and see how it goes. I believe in you!
- Date posted
- 3y
I feel this! I too think I'm just gay and in denial even though I'm gone my adult life never questioning my sexuality. Now, it's all I think about and it tears me apart. I'm to the point where I don't even get anxious at LGBT stuff, I find a sense of relief but it still isn't what I want and would rather be alone or not alive than follow through with being gay.
- Date posted
- 3y
Sorry you are going through it man, nothing has been the same since this mess started.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
- Date posted
- 23w
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
- Date posted
- 17w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond