Why did I believe all the proof my brain gave me? It had to have been true thats why I mustbe believed it right? Why else would I fall for it? In those moments all of it made total sense and i was like damn I actually lost to ocd and I was just in denial and gay all my life and never knew and againt it made sense, I remember having extremely high anxiety and stress during those moments. I consider myself a fairly gullible person and accepted that Im in denial bc of all the proof, it created this big conflict in my head and now I dont think I can go back to saying im straight or was straight It dosent sound right or it sounds wrong. Think the line has been crossed, i also cant imagine myself in the future being a simple normal straight man, feels like I was destined to be gay with or without ocd. Idk I could be exaggerating but thats how I feel

hyperactivebrain

201d ago

I know how you feel. I struggle a lot with memories too...i wrote some things in my diary as a teen that feel like proof today that I have spent my life in denial. It's horrible as I can't even label that as false memories because it is written down. I would love to burn it but it feels like giving in or giving it more power....but the key problem I guess that we cannot bear ambivalence in ourselves, that we expect from ourselves to have these black and white, clear feelings of identity but that is a social construct, also labels as gay, straight, bi etc...those are words and they don't have to or they even cant fully grasp the human experience...i think for us with ocd and overthinkers we somehow have to stop labelling and stop trying to figure it out completely...there will never be a clear answer that feels right to us I am afraid..