I just want to cry I don’t understand what is wrong with me I feel like I’m an actual P.. I had an intrusive thought about my kid and an urge to masterbate after and I did it was like an urgency and I felt like I had to like I was “ ok I’m gonna masterbate to this” but as doing so I just tried to think of normal things not my child even though I was like testing thoughts going back and forth trying to determine if I liked the intrusive thoughts I feel disgusting I feel sick to my stomach I love my kids I would never hurt them so I don’t understand why I felt like that and masterbated even though i hated doing it while I was I wanted to scream and cry.. i just feel like I want to die. I don’t deserve to be a parent I never felt like this before pocd ruined my life I feel like I can’t enjoy my kids I can’t eat can’t sleep keep looking online for answers I just don’t want to be a p.. I keep feeling like what if this is who I am I’m just lying that’s why I masterbated.. I just can’t anymore I feel hopeless😢😢

i’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, it sounds like torture. i won’t reassure you, but you definitely deserve to be a parent. i’m sure you are wonderful, OCD just ruins everything. your perception of yourself included. i’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, but i think minimizing googling & checking compulsions would help you a bit. instead of looking things up or masterbating to check if you actually feel something, try sitting with that uncomfortable feelings. i know it’s scary, but it WILL pay off in the end. you can have these uncomfortable thoughts & do nothing about them. they can just be there. overtime they become less scary. please never feel alone, this community is ALWAYS here for you. i am here for you!

yes OCD can be so tricky & SO SCARY. i totally relate. i know it feels like you have to check & see, but i really think resisting that compulsion will help you! OCD doesn’t respond to logic. it doesn’t care that you KNOW deep inside that you aren’t a monster. it’ll tell you to check over & over again without ever reaching certainty. i know how awful OCD is, but you can recover! you seem like an amazing parent.

you are doing everything right! continue reaching out to the community & advocating for yourself. it’s okay to need extra support. i would definitely reccomend therapy if you can, too! just remember, you might fall down sometimes & feel like you can’t do things (cuddle, etc.) don’t beat yourself up when struggling! show yourself compassion & remember how hard you are fighting. you can do it!