I’m still worried about something that happened a couple weeks ago. I had an intrusive image about my niece that was really bad because I got triggered by reading a romance story that was pretty spicy if you know what I mean and it literally felt like my whole body reacted. I was already feeling something ya know from the story down there and then when the thought came up it was like my whole body reacted. When I mentioned it here before people said it sounded like anxiety but it felt different than that. It felt as though just for a second it felt like I was aroused or it felt like I liked it but I know deep down I don’t because I’m freaking out by it. I try to tell myself the intrusive thoughts and intrusive feelings are just lies and that it’s not my fault or out of my control. I’m having a really hard time trying to recover from this theme. I’ve had it for 2 years now and I just can’t take it. I hate it with a passion and I don’t want to go back to my past because of trauma but I do want to move forward and never have ocd ever but unfortunately I’m going to have it for the rest of my life. I’m having a hard time accepting the thoughts and I’m definitely having a hard time accepting the weird feelings too. Im having a hard time forgiving myself for the intrusive thoughts and I self loathe myself. I absolutely hate myself. I feel like a burden. I feel like I’m always going to be stuck in this theme and I’m never going to feel ok again. I feel like I don’t even deserve to do anything anymore. I’m tired of hiding in my room or avoiding people. I get other intrusive thoughts too. I struggle with HOCD and also harm ocd too. The harm one freaks me out because my friend told me that someone said they wished for her son to die or something like that and I’ve had intrusive thoughts similar to that and it made me feel so bad because what if I’m a bad person even thought I would NEVER wish harm on anyone especially a child. I would never even harm a child. And then with the HOCD my friend my work is bi but she has a boyfriend and a son and I’m straight and also a Christian. Because she’s blonde and my niece is blonde and I get horrible intrusive thoughts about my niece I had an intrusive thought saying they looked alike and then my ocd tries to convince me I have a crush on my friend and then the whole pocd thing shows up saying I have a crush on my friend because she looks like my niece and that’s creepy. And then I had a intrusive thought saying that if I came out bi or whatever, it would be from my intrusive thoughts about my niece and that it all started from that and that freaks me out. I hate ALL of this. I’m scared to death no joke. I don’t want to be a monster, I don’t want to be bi or a lesbian. Not saying there’s anything wrong with it but it’s just not me. I need help. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and it’s driving me insane 💔