I’m full desperation to find out if I have OCD or not. I'm currently dealing with HOCD symptoms, but how can I know it's not just denial? I don't go out with my girlfriends (actually I don't go out in general), I can't watch movies, tv shows or listen to music without being triggered. At school its feel just like hell, I try do avoid any eye contact, anything and anyone that can trigger my intrusive thoughts. It feels so freaking real and I'm scared. I constantly ask my self...Did you thought that on purpose? Did you look there because you wanted to? But what if it's not OCD and your lying to yourself and to other? Do I no longer find men attractive? Why do I find women attractive? Do you feel something? Can you have OCD and still be in denial? I started compulsively reading online, ruminating, avoiding, checking everything. I have always been boy crazy even after obsessing over similar stuff. But this time it feels different and I'm confused. This is not the first time I experience HOCD intrusive thoughts ( I have them since I was 12) but usually I was obsessing over them for about 2 week and then everything was back to normal. It has been like two months now and it has ruined my life. After spending more than 4 hours every day reading about OCD ( I think it has become compulsion) I found that a lot of stuff that I have experienced in my life could be due to OCD. My first experience that can be referred to as an obsession was when I was 11. Out of nowhere I started fearing vomiting up to the point where If I got any sensation that resembled a sign of vomiting I would have a huge panic attack ( I still have this till this day). Every morning before school I eat a Lemon and something small, but I make sure that it's not something that could make me vomit. Then when I was 12 I had fear of being pregnant. That was of course impossible but I believed it. To make sure that I'm not pregnant I had to punch myself in the stomach several times. Then the fear of getting sick came along. For the past 3 years I have examined every every twitch, every ache of my body. I was constantly googlein and visiting the doctor. I was so aware of my body. This summer as I went back to Bulgaria (I'm Bulgarian but I live in Germany) my condition got worse. I started experiencing stuff that I never had before. Thinking I'm schizophrenic, that I would hurt the people I love and that is just a matter of time before I have to be locked up. I remember making sure that there are physically stronger people around me who would have stopped me if I tried to hurt someone. I have also experienced ROCD, Harm OCD and Sucide OCD symptoms. Now not only I am obsessing over my sexuality but I'm also obsessing about whether I have OCD or not and whether or not I experience “enough “ anxiety regarding my thoughts. I started going to therapy and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder but I'm not sure anymore. I talked with my therapist about OCD and she told me that it's possible but further diagnosis won't be needed. She also said that when I feel distress i have to listen to music. ( music triggers me) Then my parents told me that I was self-diagnosing myself once again. ( They don't know about my intrusive thoughts) That left me with the question: Well if it's not OCD than is it real? I have been going through hell all my life and I'm only 17. I'm struggling, I'm desperate and my fears they seem to be so real. I know that I have to visit specialist but I'm scared that they will tell me that my fear is real and I'm just in denial. I don't have money to book an appointment with an actually specialist online and my parents wouldn't allow me to do that. But they don't know what an unprofessional one can cause. I feel like I'm lying about my condition to. Even as am writing this I feel like I'm just trying to convince you and myself by “adopting” the symptoms that people with actual OCD have.It is like I'm making all of this stuff up just because I don't want to accept the truth.