I can relate I have the same Problem now with going on dates and meeting people, I wonder if I’m just fooling myself and I need to figure it out before I can be with someone or that it’s going to come out and ruin it later on which takes the excitement of connection out of it for me it’s disheartening
I totally get that. It feels like I’m just going to keep faking it until I finally accept it. And I always get this weird feeling in my stomach too
And I’m Indian so it feels even scarier, like I could never be in a heterosexual relationship like everyone else
Yeah like a sense of Imposter syndrome or that your just doing it for no reason and there’s no purpose because deep down your Lying to yourself
Lol does it ever really go away. I feel like I’ve been feeling this feeling for a long time, but worse these days
And eventually the truth will come out so I shouldn’t get too close or excited
And then I feel like I’m hiding something because I have all this back n forth going on behind the scenes and if I tell the person they won’t want something to do with me in the same way they might’ve so now I’m trapped in myself while I’m with them fighting this silent battle that lingers in the background over everything
Like a secret
I FEEL THAT like how would you tell someone new about it and not feel like a fraud
And usually I’m like oh it’s the OCD again but today it’s like WHAT IF ITS JUST REAL
and it’s got me in a sour anxious down mood today
Yeah I’m sorry to hear that I can totally relate
It’s not truth. It’s the OCD telling you the thing you fear, is the truth. You’ve thought about it so much, you’re numb to it, and when you’re numb to it, you wonder why you aren’t anxious anymore. Desire and fear are not the same, no matter how flattened one might be. You’re on a group chat right now, in fear of that being true. You’d be secretly happy and not stressing on a forum if you all of a sudden turned gay. That just doesn’t happen out of the blue. It’s the OCD. You can’t convince yourself 100%, so it eats you alive.
Lol the sad part is that something like this would have given me so much comfort at the start but now it “feels like you’re trying to convince me I’m not” or that “this doesn’t apply to me” :’(