I keep thinking … what if I’m actually gay?? And it’s not the ocd and that’s why I’m feeling kind of meh sometimes on dates. And that any sexual attraction or desire to do stuff is “forced”

I can relate I have the same Problem now with going on dates and meeting people, I wonder if I’m just fooling myself and I need to figure it out before I can be with someone or that it’s going to come out and ruin it later on which takes the excitement of connection out of it for me it’s disheartening

And I’m Indian so it feels even scarier, like I could never be in a heterosexual relationship like everyone else

Yeah like a sense of Imposter syndrome or that your just doing it for no reason and there’s no purpose because deep down your Lying to yourself

And usually I’m like oh it’s the OCD again but today it’s like WHAT IF ITS JUST REAL

It’s not truth. It’s the OCD telling you the thing you fear, is the truth. You’ve thought about it so much, you’re numb to it, and when you’re numb to it, you wonder why you aren’t anxious anymore. Desire and fear are not the same, no matter how flattened one might be. You’re on a group chat right now, in fear of that being true. You’d be secretly happy and not stressing on a forum if you all of a sudden turned gay. That just doesn’t happen out of the blue. It’s the OCD. You can’t convince yourself 100%, so it eats you alive.

And eventually the truth will come out so I shouldn’t get too close or excited

And then I feel like I’m hiding something because I have all this back n forth going on behind the scenes and if I tell the person they won’t want something to do with me in the same way they might’ve so now I’m trapped in myself while I’m with them fighting this silent battle that lingers in the background over everything

Like a secret

and it’s got me in a sour anxious down mood today

Yeah I’m sorry to hear that I can totally relate