One of my closest friends since 6th grade is planning on visiting me soon. I havent spoken with him in almost a year, havent talked to them in over a year infact, keep making excuses when they ask me to talk. (i live in a different country than them). Now this friend thats visiting me is living his best life in the Uk, has a gf, going to a top tier Uni, partying everyday and Im just rotting in my house since ocd began. I dont feel like myself, I feel gay in denial, depressed, ßuicidal and a weirdo, a total mess. I dont want to meet him in this condition, I hate this, I wish I was d ead. How the fuck did things get so bad for me? Sorry for ranting, Im tired and sad

hateocd123

Date posted: 4y

I've had hocd for a long time. Got over it for the most part after treatment had some traumatic things happen (unrelated to ocd), felll back into another theme and then just had a giant relapse of hocd the day before yesterday. I'm already almost completely back to normal. Want to know how? I forced myself to go about life as normal. I forced myself to sit through my discomfort and feel it. I've been doing what I can to seek discomfort. Lean into it and let it happen. The day before yesterday was the first day in a long time that I felt suicidal and I'm back to wanting to be alive again pretty quick. This morning was hell. I made myself go to work. When I was there it was busy and I felt like I wanted to run out of my own skin. I even had a panic attack. I forced myself to stay and feel it and guess what? It dissapaited. Try it. Stop trying to figure out if your gay or straight. Ocd will never let you know the answer to that question. Stick to your values.

hateocd123

Date posted: 4y

I should mention that I used to not be able to leave my bed. I felt the same, like I was rotting. Get out of bed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, take a shower, drink water, eat, go outside and take a walk with a parent or someone you trust. Its going to be alright.

Imaan7

Date posted: 4y

I appreciate your reply, thank you!

3Catsandadog

Date posted: 4y

Maybe seeing him could be a good thing. I know we have a lot of shame surrounding our mental states. For a very long time, I didn’t let any friends in. I kept my suicidal thoughts to myself, and I felt like I was rotting away. Don’t get me wrong, I still do that sometimes, because it’s easier than asking for help. Once I started letting friends in, it got a little easier. The fact that he’s traveling to a different country to see you says something. I think he truly cares about you. What’s the worst thing that could happen? He wouldn’t want to be your friend- but you’re already keeping him at a distance, so not much would change. I thought it was easier living alone in pain, but when you share some of that pain with another person, even just the tiniest bit, the load gets a little easier to carry. Please know you’re not alone, and if he truly cares, which it sounds like he does, he’ll listen

Imaan7

Date posted: 4y

Hes coming on a college trip/project and said he wanted to see me, its been like 5 years since we last hung out but I dont feel like seeing anyone from my old life, I feel strange and different and with how my mental state is right now I just want to be left alone, meeting people makes it worse. I struggle with social anxiety and its just too much going on at once, can barely function. Dont want anyone to see what a shithole my life has become, it hurts so much.

3Catsandadog

Date posted: 4y

@Imaan7 I really do understand the social anxiety. It can be crippling at times for me. Do you think you would want to reach out to anyone for help? Any family?

Imaan7

Date posted: 4y

@3Catsandadog I live with my family havent told them anything since this started. Dosent help that they have very conventional thinking. Ive reached out to a therapist but I feel like my fears have already come true so dont have hope that things will get better. I dont even know what I want out of therapy, just come on this app and rant multiple times a day.

3Catsandadog

Date posted: 4y

@Imaan7 For me, therapy provides a safe space to share anything I want to share that day. Sometimes I go on rants about how much I hate the feeling of water on my body. Other days I talk about my experience in childhood with undiagnosed ocd. It really just helps to have someone to talk to, even if it’s just to say “I feel sad.” It doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is in all seriousness. Figuring that out isn’t a priority. Getting you feeling better and more in control of your life is, as well as helping you to find sparks of happiness. I struggled to figure out my sexuality, but honestly I figured it out once I was in a space where I felt safe and had some happiness in my life. I couldn’t come out to myself until I had gotten back to a more “normal” life with some things I liked doing

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