TW**** How am I supposed to accept im gay now after after these thoughts crippled me with anxiety everyday for a year plus, making me feel ßuicidal and pretty much ruining my life, causing all sorts of trauma. If these thoughts came true then Im probably also not a guy inside bc thats how it feels like, too real to be ocd. Shouldve ended myself last year, too late now, I dont know what Im going to do

No

@Imaan7 I’m sorry to hear that. It is really tough, OCD is really terrible. If you don’t mind me asking or if it’s too triggering for you just tell me and I’ll delete my comment, but what exactly makes you fear the possibility of you being gay, not that you are because OCD VERY much plays with our minds and emotions to the point it feels real, but I just wanted to ask

@OCDHaver I dont know frankly, maybe its internalized homophobia? That has to be it. I fear being stuck only liking guys, or changing into someone else( even if dowm the road I become ok with it still) never being able to like or feel desire or attraction for women again. If I am gay, which Im pretty sure I am, then my other thoughts are also true.

@Imaan7 How are you doing now. Are you actually gay?

@sofiaraaah7 I think so unfortunately. I'm not fully certain but I think i might be

@Imaan7 Are you in therapy? Have you received any treatment for OCD?

@sofiaraaah7 No

@Imaan7 I think that’s why. OCD can be very convincing for everyone who suffers from it, and it can even create false feeling of ‘liking’ things. I highly recommend you get in touch with a specialist to help you see through the OCD fog. I’ve looked at your posts and it sounds a lot like OCD, not a sexuality change.

@sofiaraaah7 I've felt many things, have had many realizations these past 5 years. It's not a sexuality change but just a realization that Ive always been not straight. I'm like 98% positive tbh. I still have ocd but that doesn't mean I can't be gay at the same time. I might not be fully gay but rather like 90/10 or something I need to do therapy and meds but I dont have money for it, ocd therapy is costly.

@Imaan7 Can you explain your symptoms for HOCD? What makes you think you’re actually gay?

@sofiaraaah7 Eh, its complicated. I've explained it to so many people over the years. I know I have OCD, but it doesn't really matter. I've accepted I'm gay now to some level. Telling you isn't gonna change anything for me. Sorry

@Imaan7 I want to tell you something. I’ve heard stories of people who were convinced that they were gay for years until they finally got OCD therapy (some people even went as far as coming out to their families.) I’m not trying to invalidate your identity in any way, and not trying to downplay you if you TRULY think you’re gay, but I do know based on facts, that OCD fears can never come true. It can’t, because it’s a false threat detection in our brain mechanism. But I know how excruciatingly real it feels. It can create false feelings of arousal and enjoyment, and will do anything to make you believe your feared outcome is real. If OCD didn’t FEEL real, this app wouldn’t exist, treatment wouldn’t exist, and nobody would suffer from it. It has to feel real otherwise themes wouldn’t stick. I am in no way trying to “convert” you in any way, nor am I trying to invalidate your presumed identity. But if your case were that of a gay person, I would speak to you differently. This clearly needs to be approached on an OCD level, not a sexuality level. Based on your post history, and your earlier comment on here that says “I fear of being stuck liking guys, and never feeling desire or attraction for women again” shows to me that this isn’t the case of a gay man in denial. Gay men don’t fear their lose of attraction to women, there’s nothing to lose there. Sure, gay men may THINK they’re attracted to women in their closeted stage, or they may force themselves to like women in their denial stage, but they don’t fear loss of desire and attraction to something that doesn’t exist. There is no attraction or desire there. What they fear is social stigma and family rejection, not any type of loss of attraction, which is something I can see you so deeply cherished. And they do not fear being stuck attracted to men. They KNOW that they’re attracted to men and want men, even if they’re in denial about it/repress it. They may fear what it means to be attracted to men (stigma, discrimination etc.) but they don’t fear being stuck in that desire. I know what you might be thinking. You brain might’ve went “But that doesn’t apply to me. I’m the exception” or your brain might’ve tried to convince you that you fit the description of gay men that I just explained. And that is soooo common and normal with OCD. Again, I have no means of invaliding you here, all I really want for you is to get better. I know just how hard and convincing OCD can get, and it’s rather important to treat this as an OCD problem first, not as a sexuality problem, as your whole thing started as OCD.

@Imaan7 I know you said you can’t afford therapy, so I’ll drop some free resources for you that can really help you in this journey. There is a woman that provides referrals for OCD therapists near you if you contact her, which can be lifesaving. https://youtube.com/@chrissiehodgespureocdadvocate?si=w3NYZxutqgpt3pFu This is her channel. She also creates amazingly thorough OCD videos that you will likely relate to. https://youtube.com/@ocdandanxiety?si=yz9Bz818xtVnadjb He’s a therapist and also offers tremendous help through his videos about OCD. https://youtube.com/@ocdhelp?si=Nh_YtHwZFrNpffwg Now with this one, I don’t recommend her method that she promotes, however I DO recommend her videos. Her videos itself will likely come helpful to you, but as far as her treatment method, (The Greymond Method) you’d be better off sticking to a different one. Her videos come in great handy though. Seeking help is a sign of strength. I know you think you’re gay, but this clinically doesn’t present as a sexuality change. If you’re not fully convinced, you can still seek out help to discover your sexuality after. But let’s treat this as an OCD issue first, as that’s what it presents as.

@sofiaraaah7 I appreciate your reply. But while my posts might suggest I dont have a sexuality issues I deleted this app 2-3 years ago and alot happened between that time. I don't think I was straight to begin with, I just thought I was supposed to be straight because that was the default I saw around me growing up. It's called heteronormativity. There's a lot of proof that backs this theory up for me as well. I also just feel like Im being attracted to guys more, a little bit to girls too but it feels inauthentic in a way and not exciting, with guys it feels way easier to be able to initiate things. In any case, its not just Hocd, my cognitive ability, to think and feel clearly is very damaged due to ocd, and my sense of self is super distorted. Try not reassure me on any of the points I mentioned. Well, whatever you say my brains just not going to accept it or feel anything. Yeah I'm trying to save up some money for medication to get rid of this non stop anxiety and maybe some therapy. Again thanks for you reply, you're very nice Lastly the people you mentioned, I used to watched them 5 years ago lol, Im desensitized to all ocd material now. Nothing helps unfortunately. ( I'm a real deep mess)

@Imaan7 Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you had to find out in such a troubling and debilitating way. I have a question. Do you think you ever had OCD? Specifically OCD on this theme? In other words do you think you actually had OCD on this theme and it came true or do you rather think you were actually discovering your sexuality and you were using the OCD label as a way to avoid acknowledging it? (or the symptoms weren’t actually OCD but overlapped with them/were similar to them) Not trying to be invasive or anything, you don’t have to answer this question if you don’t want to. I’m not doubting you’re gay, I believe you now, I’m just curious to what your insight is on this.

@sofiaraaah7 I had ocd and still do. I had most Hocd symptoms. I'm still obsessing over it after 5 years, feeling severe anxiety and doing compulsions.