Along with checking forums and blogs etc, I've got into a bad trap of compulsively masturbating to porn of or fantasising about men to prove my attraction to them. I enjoy it and I know I like it, but I still keep doing it nonetheless for short term reassurance/relief. I'm a bisexual female in the most loving relationship with a guy, we have a great sex life and communicate about everything, but I still keep doubting my preferences or levels of attraction because I'm sexually attracted to women too. I'm constantly trying to make sure that it's okay or 'right' that I'm with him and check if I 'should' be with a woman instead, even though I know how I feel and that my biggest fear is losing him. I'm sick and tired of it, and wondered if anyone else has this physical compulsion too, not for reassurance but so I don't feel so alone.

Thanks for your reply. I used to watch porn every now and again in a healthy way, but I do see trying to stop it these days as a positive step. What do you do instead or how did you stop? I also find myself checking myself with people irl and on TV etc which is harder, but I am finally starting CBT and ERP soon which hopefully will help.

@cmaria A lot of checking attraction against my boyfriend vs other genders, it's really hard to stop that compulsion and I still struggle with it but it has helped me to bring the "maybe maybe not" statement to my obsessions. I know that sounds so lame and easier said than done but when I consistently say maybe to the uncertainty, I feel a lot better and a lot more like myself. I have to admit, not watching porn anymore has made it difficult for me to self pleasure and my obsessions make me a little scared to self pleasure cause I don't want to be triggered while doing it, but I guess I'm still working on that. The main thing you can do is show yourself compassion and as a bisexual person, one big thing that has helped me with soocd while in a relationship where I fear I'm no longer attracted to the gender I'm with, is to remind myself that I have been attracted to my partner in the past and I have been attracted to other genders in the past. Both can exist and they don't always have to exist equally at the same time. Reminding myself that things are allowed to be complicated takes a lot of pressure off of me and helps me to lean into the uncertainty of my relationship and identity <3

@Whatabtme Thank you so so much. This is super insightful and helpful. Self compassion is huge in the recovery process and definitely something I struggle with when wanting or expecting things to be black and white, when they aren't at all, everything is much more nuanced!

I'm sorry to hear this. I really hate it too, it sucks. Why do we keep doing it when we know it doesn't amount to any certainty or real fulfilment? I guess the answer is because we have OCD and it's a real and true illness.