Anxiety has always impacted my intimate life since the beginning and it makes recovery in soocd so much more difficult. I am ashamed of myself and I feel broken in that department, like there is something wrong with me. At times it feels like I am forcing myself to like intimacy with my partner , but I Do want to be intimate with my partner. I miss the beginning when sparks were flying and his very touch made me feel electric. When I ruminate on it , it feels like something isn’t right or something is off and it terrifies me. When I say I enjoy pleasing my partner it feels like a lie, but I don’t want it to be a lie at all. My partner’s pleasure is important to me but I’m too afraid of intimacy at the same time to the point where sometimes it seems off-putting, gross, funny, boring, which is what causes the feeling of something missing which just makes me spiral more and more. I’m terrified I’m not good enough for him, I’m terrified I’m not aroused enough, what if I’m doing something wrong, is it supposed to feel like this? I know that a lot of these feelings stem from false standards I have about my body and my partners, low self-esteem, anxiety and ocd revolving my intimate life, trauma from past partners who made me feel used, etc. It doesn’t make sense to me, I love fantasizing about him and I, it’s so much better than porn or any other fantasy. But I read somewhere that a girl who was lesbian would fantasize about only rough scenarios with men and I do this as well. I often use rough scenarios in my fantasies and now I’m scared. I do it because when we’re slow and intimate, I feel all the anxiety creep in and all the fears get so loud and I get scared about what is happening. Unlike this girl however, I deeply crave soft moments with my partner , I just can never relax enough for them thus why I lean on rough scenarios. In real life, slow kissing is so much better than anything and I wish I had the confidence to carry that feeling to the bed. Additionally, my partner arouses me on a level I can not accomplish on my own. Even when I’m alone thinking of him I still feel much more aroused in his presence. But yet when I see his body I tend to hyper focus on his flaws or if im not instantly aroused by his body I worry this means I’m not attracted to him. I love his body, but to me intimacy is about so much more than that so of course the body alone isn’t always enough. I have absolutely no problem when he is pleasuring me, I love it and just want him closer to me. When it is time to reciprocate however I start to panic once again, I worry way way too much about what I’m doing and if I’m doing it right or enjoying it “enough”. This panic makes me want to not do anything and is why I feel like something is “ missing “ because I really want to be able to do that for him and the idea really does arouse me but I can’t it’s so scary and anxiety provoking that I’d rather not. Its not that I don’t care about his pleasure or that I’m repulsed by him because everything about him outside of intimacy draws me in and I want him to want me and I want to want him but it’s too much fear to truly let go and take in the moment. It’s always been like this even before soocd which makes me feel horrible. I’m scared that I’m using all this as a front to hide that I’m lesbian, but unlike how I enjoy fantasies with men, the idea of being intimate with a woman seems like a loss, a chore, a punishment and not something I’d ever want. With my partner I want to work through these issues and have a fulfilling bedroom life even if it means working through heavy trauma and fear and having to learn new things about myself , but if these issues were to happen with a woman I’d much rather never be intimate again or sneak off with men. I don’t know what to do to be better and it makes me feel hopeless. Last night I had an amazing moment with my partner over the phone, it was so good but of course my thoughts have attacked again to say something is missing. I don’t want to go through this anymore , I want my partner and I to have good intimacy.

In lack of better wording, Sometimes I really just feel like I don’t understand myself and I want to. So I can fix it. I’m looking in the mirror and I’m body dysmorphic, I want to see myself when I was younger and physically healthier but cant. I used to be on birthcontrol, and it made me gain 70lbs and I haven’t been able to feel the same about my body ever since then. Somehow since allowing my ex to semi control everything about our sexual relationship, I have developed a complexity of desired intimacy with myself constantly alone. Because I feel like I want to be in more control with how my sexual feelings affect me. I can’t get sexual gratification from my self sometimes even though, and then I turn to peopke. And then it turns to; I can’t be satisfied by anyone, and I haven’t had sex within a loving relationship for a long time. Because well I have been going through a lot recently. And most of the encounters sexually were in fact not in relationships, but I didn’t feel the satisfaction I was looking for and it just didn’t make sense. I have to have all the right emotions or else the moment gets ruined. If I don’t feel love for them, if I don’t think they are attractive, if I don’t like how they react to seeing my body, if I don’t like how they interact with me during the sexual encounters. And since this is so difficult I All together just don’t desire to have sex with anyone most times I feel mentally aroused. Speaking of just mentally aroused, it confuses me that my body will be physically aroused all the time and beg for satisfaction and it’s a cold burning sensation pleading for constant attention. I hate it. I can’t help but wonder why that exists when I haven’t been mentally aroused. But when it happens I can’t seem to satisfy it and neither can other people. And that somewhat altogether made a plethora of issues in my last relationship because my ex dealt with feelings of guilt and or resentment towards themselves for not being able to satisfy me.. and I would be crying from days on end recently in fact from trying MYSELF to release that feeling, but I’d try to the point my body grew sore. .. I hate it. Genuinely I feel disgusted and want to get help on how to stop this. It’s going to ruin the much healthier relationship I have now just gotten into down the line and I don’t think I can handle that. Not again.

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

I’m struggling with something I’m afraid to even admit out loud. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone I love deeply. He’s kind, safe, and emotionally close to me — and we’ve built a life together. But I keep obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction anymore. Or maybe… I never truly did? At the beginning, I felt butterflies, excitement, connection — and I assumed that meant I was also attracted to him physically. But now, after reading so much and reflecting more deeply, I’m starting to wonder if I ever truly felt sexual desire in the way I was “supposed to.” Maybe my feelings were more about emotional longing, comfort, and romantic closeness — but not sexual chemistry. And now I don’t know what that means. OCD makes it so much worse. It constantly tells me: – “If you really loved him, you’d want him.” – “You’re leading him on.” – “What if you’re lying to yourself?” – “If you try to fix this and fail, you’ll have to leave.” I feel stuck between wanting to fight for this relationship — and being terrified that trying will just prove it’s hopeless. Has anyone experienced something like this? Can OCD really make you question something so deeply personal? And how do you move forward when even trying feels terrifying? Any thoughts or support would mean the world right now.