Anxiety has always impacted my intimate life since the beginning and it makes recovery in soocd so much more difficult. I am ashamed of myself and I feel broken in that department, like there is something wrong with me. At times it feels like I am forcing myself to like intimacy with my partner , but I Do want to be intimate with my partner. I miss the beginning when sparks were flying and his very touch made me feel electric. When I ruminate on it , it feels like something isn’t right or something is off and it terrifies me. When I say I enjoy pleasing my partner it feels like a lie, but I don’t want it to be a lie at all. My partner’s pleasure is important to me but I’m too afraid of intimacy at the same time to the point where sometimes it seems off-putting, gross, funny, boring, which is what causes the feeling of something missing which just makes me spiral more and more. I’m terrified I’m not good enough for him, I’m terrified I’m not aroused enough, what if I’m doing something wrong, is it supposed to feel like this? I know that a lot of these feelings stem from false standards I have about my body and my partners, low self-esteem, anxiety and ocd revolving my intimate life, trauma from past partners who made me feel used, etc. It doesn’t make sense to me, I love fantasizing about him and I, it’s so much better than porn or any other fantasy. But I read somewhere that a girl who was lesbian would fantasize about only rough scenarios with men and I do this as well. I often use rough scenarios in my fantasies and now I’m scared. I do it because when we’re slow and intimate, I feel all the anxiety creep in and all the fears get so loud and I get scared about what is happening. Unlike this girl however, I deeply crave soft moments with my partner , I just can never relax enough for them thus why I lean on rough scenarios. In real life, slow kissing is so much better than anything and I wish I had the confidence to carry that feeling to the bed. Additionally, my partner arouses me on a level I can not accomplish on my own. Even when I’m alone thinking of him I still feel much more aroused in his presence. But yet when I see his body I tend to hyper focus on his flaws or if im not instantly aroused by his body I worry this means I’m not attracted to him. I love his body, but to me intimacy is about so much more than that so of course the body alone isn’t always enough. I have absolutely no problem when he is pleasuring me, I love it and just want him closer to me. When it is time to reciprocate however I start to panic once again, I worry way way too much about what I’m doing and if I’m doing it right or enjoying it “enough”. This panic makes me want to not do anything and is why I feel like something is “ missing “ because I really want to be able to do that for him and the idea really does arouse me but I can’t it’s so scary and anxiety provoking that I’d rather not. Its not that I don’t care about his pleasure or that I’m repulsed by him because everything about him outside of intimacy draws me in and I want him to want me and I want to want him but it’s too much fear to truly let go and take in the moment. It’s always been like this even before soocd which makes me feel horrible. I’m scared that I’m using all this as a front to hide that I’m lesbian, but unlike how I enjoy fantasies with men, the idea of being intimate with a woman seems like a loss, a chore, a punishment and not something I’d ever want. With my partner I want to work through these issues and have a fulfilling bedroom life even if it means working through heavy trauma and fear and having to learn new things about myself , but if these issues were to happen with a woman I’d much rather never be intimate again or sneak off with men. I don’t know what to do to be better and it makes me feel hopeless. Last night I had an amazing moment with my partner over the phone, it was so good but of course my thoughts have attacked again to say something is missing. I don’t want to go through this anymore , I want my partner and I to have good intimacy.

This is going to be long and all over the place. To give some context I’ve dealt with SOOCD for a long time now and it had very bad effects on my past relationship. I had a hard time being intimate with my past partner because I was always subconsciously checking if I was getting aroused enough, if I was attracted to him, if I truly liked him, or if I was lying to myself (yk the whole deal). I literally felt nothing but anxiety when we did things which made everything worse. I was also extremely depressed which made my libido and attraction towards men completely vanish (still have low libido and my attraction is kinda the same). Me and the guy broke up and a couple years ago we reconnected. When I saw him again I was extremely attracted to him, romantically and sexually. This made me so happy because I finally felt some confirmation that I knew who I was and my thoughts weren’t real after years of being tortured by them. We didn’t end up lasting because my feelings started to shift but I truly blame that on the fact that it was just a dumb old high school relationship, he was a terrible boyfriend in the past, and we had nothing in common. However while we were together, I had dealt with really bad relationship anxiety. I found other people attractive which gave me reassurance, but also made spiral because I thought it meant I didn’t like him anymore, I was lying to myself about my feelings, and I questioned everything about the relationship. Fast forward to now, I am now in a new relationship and I’ve known this guy for a long time. I developed a crush on him which again made me really happy bc I haven’t had a crush in a VERY long time. I made a couple of posts on here about how I started to overthink everything (pls read those to get more context I don’t want to make this even longer). I started to get really anxious and had more intrusive thoughts about lying to myself about my feelings/and sexuality, not really liking him, not being attracted to him, yk all that. I was able to manage it by watching a video about rumination where the guy basically just said “stop thinking about it.” He said to just let it float there, don’t engage with it, don’t try to solve or understand, don’t try to replace it, don’t say a mantra, don’t be mindful, just let it be there and move on. I also went on reddit and this guy said to stop hyper focusing on the attraction/ the “right” feelings bc the more you try to look for them the less you will feel it. Anyways, I took the advice and the next time we hung out I felt comfortable and just so much better. It was the sweetest date and I truly had a fun time. However, when we kissed I immediately started over analyzing and questioning everything. I had bad experiences with my ex because I kept trying to analyze my feelings like do I really like this kiss? Am I actually attracted to him? Why am I not feeling super excited right now? Why did all these good feelings just go away? It was so annoying and heartbreaking for me because I just want to be normal, I want to truly enjoy this relationship. I want to stop automatically checking and over thinking everything. We’ve discussed sexual things and it automatically made me hyper analyze everything making me feel more anxious and unsure about the relationship and my sexuality. There have been times where we talked about them and I’ve thought about it with no worry, and I even got turned on by it (tmi i’m sorry). But I’m worried that I’ll have the same bad experiences I did with my ex and it’ll ruin how I view the everything. I was so excited for this but now I feel so scared and anxious again. I really want to enjoy this, he’s truly an amazing person and I want to be with him without being bombarded by this shit 😭. Sorry if none of this made sense. Please give me advice if you have any!!!!

Ive been with my partner for 2 years. I haven’t had sex with my partner in a pretty long time. I feel like it’s been so long now that the idea of having sex is really causing me anxiety. I also don’t want to kiss or makeout as much. When he brings up sex or making out more or anything intimate it gives me anxiety. I feel like I truly don’t want to do those things, and that scares me. When we started dating I don’t think that this gave me anxiety, I think I was excited about it. But now it’s something that I find I’m almost avoiding. I want to be excited to kiss him and be with him but I’m just not, and I’m worried that that means the relationship is over. I know that the honeymoon phase isn’t forever but is this really what a relationship is supposed to feel like? This has gone on for so long now that I’m almost scared enough to admit to him how I feel rocd wise. I wanted to add that I’ve been on antidepressants nearly my entire life and i definitely have low libido anyway, so not being intimate doesn’t really bother me. Sometimes I can’t figure out if that’s the case or if it’s just because I don’t find my partner attractive anymore. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to force myself to be intimate but I think he’ll catch on that something’s wrong if I keep telling him no. If anyone has any advice, or relates at all, id really appreciate it, thank you.

So my bf and I did the do tonight (it’s been a while I couldn’t keep my hands off him) but for some reason when we went to actually have sex I was not super wet like I used to be/it hurt when there was penetration. But I wanted it so bad. Like I know I do. I think maybe I’m in my head worrying it’ll hurt so it ends up hurting lol. Idk how to let my body relax it’s been kinda wonky since OCD started and also I’m on birth control (nexplanon, since last October, idk if that changes much tbh.) How do I let myself relax?? We use lube usually but didn’t today cuz it was a quickie Also how do I know if I’m actually enjoying sex with my partner and not just tolerating it? I feel like I’m thinking that instead of actually being there having sex with him. It’s kinda the crux of my ROCD and soocd “if you don’t enjoy it/don’t feel butterflies, you’re gay and don’t love him” sums it up. But it feels great, I feel good. I feel loved and save and turned on when I’m with him and afterwards (when he’s not rushing to leave like today lol) we stay and cuddle and I just feel.. good. Not cuz I did smthn for him but cuz it felt good for me cuz I am with someone who genuinely loves me and cares if I enjoy things yknow? I do love doing things for him but he also makes sure I get my fun too lol. I want to touch him. I want to initiate. Very clearly. Not gay. I’m worried my lack of butterflies during sex means smthn idk why. Help🥲✌️