Hey guys, I'm really scared, someone PLEASE reply (POCD 18+) Okay, so tonight I was beginning to feel better about my obsessions and began to feel like maybe I was actually making progress. But I feel terrified rn, I'm scared because I used to watch hentai and cartoon stuff when I was younger, I'm 19, I would look up certain anime stuff or cartoons, but I started feeling happy that I probably stopped when I was 15. But now I'm terrified, I used to watch the tv show Big Mouth on Netflix but stopped after I started feeling uncomfortable with the show since it is really graphic. But I'm scared that I may have watched porn about the show while I was watching it. I don't really have strong memories about it but I'm terrified because that would have been when I was 16. I'm so scared, my friend said that "worst-case scenario, say you did, it's just a drawing at the end of the day" but I'm really scared. I'm really grossed out, I don't know what to do, I was just starting to maybe feel better but I don't even know anymore, I'm terrified, what do you guys think???

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

Judging from the comments, unfortunately this is a common thing that happens to people, including me. Like one person already said, I found porn when I was only a middle schooler and that lead to pretty awful things. An addiction, warped perspective of overall sexual health, taboo videos, really impulsive decisions with other people my age all the way through to high school. I even get false memories about this same thing. Definitely some of the worst things to happen to me that I can think of but I'm glad I've made the conscious effort to keep it out of my life and basically never go into it again. This stuff fades overtime and you'll eventually be able to forgive yourself slowly

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

Yeah, I’m trying to stay away from porn too, especially after I saw something horrific on YouTube, but thank you, I’ll try to stay away

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

@OCDHaver That makes both of us then. In October 2020 I was still trying to cope with porn and ended up seeing some fucked up shit deep inside YouTube by accident. Never again. I honestly don't need to rely on something like porn and I'm glad I made that decision this year. Definitely try your best, but don't feel bad when you relapse back into it. All that matters is you keep trying and don't give up completely.

🌸

Date posted: 3y

I did the same thing pretty much, I found porn when I was way to young and was exposed to sexual things so I became addicted to it, even reading fanfics and stuff..I watched and read some disgusting horrible sinful things ..they even made their way into my day dreams and fantasies..I hate it now so much. I even did things I regret ..it makes me feel what I have isn't ocd..that I'm a monster. Your not alone and from what i read .. It sounds like false memory, please ignore it and don't give into any compulsions. Sit with the anxiety and it will fade away over time! :)

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

Thank you, and I’ve done a lot of bad things as well, but hopefully we can move forward from this

OCDpasha

Date posted: 3y

Watched what I think were similar anime/hentai things that triggered my OCD as well. Unrelated to the Big Mouth thing but still. I doubt what I’m going through is OCD because of it a lot of times. It’s my biggest stumbling block to recovery. I can’t tell you whether you did or didn’t do something for sure (you probably didn’t btw) But what is important is that you’re not alone, and you’re getting treatment. Even if it feels like it isn’t beyond a shadow of a doubt, it really is just OCD. And you’re not what you’re afraid you are. You’ll get through this.

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

Thank you, I'm just really scared, I also something horrible last night, unintenionally, and had to call the suicide hotline. My mom took my phone away because it serves as a compulsion. I don't know, I'm terrified though, because I don't look at anyone younger than two years and think they're attractive, so sometimes that helps, but then I remember some gross stuff like animated porn I used to watch and get really scared, some say it's because of that whole thing that the more you watch porn, the more hardcore stuff you watch and that again, they're just drawings, but I get terrified, my heart is beating 1,000 miles a minute right now

OCDpasha

Date posted: 3y

First thing you have to do is take a few deep breaths and try to relax. I’m sorry you had to call the suicide hotline, and I hope you and your family will do everything to keep you safe. I’ve been there before and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And yeah the OCD gives false attractions and false urges as part of it. It’s rough but it can be treated and overcome. And Porn addiction can work that way. And I know it’s not going to be helpful to say things like “it wasn’t anything like the real thing at the end of the day” or “you know it’s wrong and you stopped”, as thats been told to me many times by virtually everyone I know and it hasn’t made the shame and confusion go away. But you have to keep going and getting the help you need, have faith in yourself and in the work, you’ll be able to overcome this. You’re a good person. Try to keep reminding yourself of that.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 3y

Comment deleted by user

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

Thank you, I’ll try

OCDHaver

Date posted: 3y

The show itself was graphic and I may be making a false memory, but idk, I'm really scared and my heart is pounding

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 24w

Real Event OCD is a different breed (18+)

Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 16w

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

Anonymousssssss

Date posted: 15w

Can someone please offer words of advice :(

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

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