I have been on crisis mode for the past few days. Please share opinion if you can. I really need help on this. So as you are probably aware if you’ve seen my last posts, I was scared to touch my mom’s doorknob bc she is sick coughing and sneezing. I did an erp where I touched her room knobs and my room knobs and then rubbed it all over my covers and laid under them breathing in all the germs that I rubbed there. My biggest fear is spreading covid germs and being the reason that people die from it. I couldn’t take the guilt of doing the erp and the next day I asked my mom to do it thinking I can live with what I’ve done if my mom does it without feeling guilty. Instantly regretted it bc I made her use the main enterance doorknob. Which in my opinion is most contaminated of them all. So anyway, she did it and I felt twice as guilty to the point where I felt I needed to die. But my pastor talked me down. However, the next day I remembered that the day my mom did the exposure, she had to go into work using taxi and I had followed her because I had a hair appointment near her job. I had a funny feeling behind my nose as if I was coming down with a cold. But I still went. This is the part that I cannot get over. My biggest fear is killing people with covid and yet why did I go with my mom if I believed the risk of spreading the germs from the doorknobs would be doubled? I got tested for covid the next morning and thankfully I don’t have it. But why did I go to the city with my mom that day without being sure of anything?? Whether or not breathing germs from doorknob together will spread germs or whether or not my mom and I have covid? To be fair, my ocd has always made it seem like we are immune from covid and I can only give it to others outside my family. But why do I feel like I wasn’t thinking that way that day? And even if I was, what about the part where I believed my mom and I breathing in door knob germs could spread covid? And to make things worse, my boyfriend said he has a sore throat but I still went to see him that same day. Did I know in the back of my mind that it is just a regular cold? Or did I not care that whole night if I spread covid or not. I’m thinking that since (whether rational or not) I thought breathing the germs from the knobs and being with my mom increased the chance of spreading covid from the germs that got on us and in our lungs from the erp, I feel like I ignored that thought and went on the taxi anyway. My question is, why did I become so irresponsible and bad? I cannot forgive myself for this. It’s driving me insane and I’m once again feeling like dieing over it. No joke I am really questioning if I can continue my life. Completely depressed and sobbing. What is wrong with me. Did I snap? I wasn’t sure about anything and yet I did something so irresponsible. Twice! Going with my mom in taxi to manhattan and going on an uber to long island city to see my sick boyfriend. I can’t forgive myself. What do I do? I made my boyfriend also get a covid test. I did rapid and also a pcr. The negative result for some reason doesn’t even matter to me. Why am I so irresponsible all of a sudden? Why am I a bad person all of a sudden. And can I ever forgive myself?