I have so much anxiety today. Too many stressors and the holiday regrets. Feel like what is the point in continuing on. Like why deal with the OCD and its anxiety all the time? I feel like crying and giving up. Have not felt so dejected in a long time. Dad died this year, going through a divorce, and my Mom will be back to being alone when I fly home. This just sucks!

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

That tragedy that happened in my country Dominican Republic at the nightclub taking 221 people lives is affecting me even though I didn’t have no family members there I can’t stop thinking about it that that’s all we here and one minute we are gone I can’t stop thinking about what’s the point of all of this getting married having kids more father ect car house what’s the point of anything if we have to die anyway I never felt like this before :( I m so afraid to die I m afraid of my family dying how can I move on from this I m scared that I m wasting my life being depressed and anxious I feel that I should’ve never been going through ocd and depression how I m supposed to enjoy life going through this plus I feel guilty for struggling with mental health I m so confused. and lost 😭 why are we here doing all of this if we gonna die ? Why we have families and then have suffer from our families dying

Today is Easter and it was supposed to be low key for me and my family but my mom invited a family member that bothers my ocd alot and now they are on their way here and I'm freaking out I already had a panic attack (still having it) and my family is not helping either they keep making comments about how they just want one holiday with no problems and some other comments and it's like I'm sorry I'm not normal like my siblings I didn't ask to be like this now I'm just hurt, upset and I locked myself in my room for the rest of day. (And I was doing so good with erp and this is like making me have a ocd relapse)