I have been struggling with depression for about a year and it's taken a toll on my relationship. I know there are a lot of things I do now which are bad for my relationship. For example, I may play video games for 12 hours a day till I am mentally incapable of caring for anything due to exhaustion, then getting irritable when I cant play them so I can't give my partner the time of day they need from me.
However, whenever I currently feel anxious about the relationship, it triggers me and I will obsess about what I must have done wrong during this past year of depression and take a "deep dive" into my memory to find what I have done wrong in the past year, in hopes to explain why I feel so depressed and confused about the relationship now.
Could this be R OCD?
I am finding it exhausting and it is stopping me from fixing myself in the now because it's so hard not to think about the past. I think the reason the past gives me anxiety is due to uncertainty from the constant brain fog of depression that I experienced during that time.
Oh I also worry that my actions of the past may have harmed my partner, our relationship, and me.
Any replies would be greatly appreciated ❤