I can’t stop checking. Someone help me break the cycle, what do I do?

TW: suicidal Constantly fixated on the fact of helping people. I’m always doing compulsions like checking social medias to see if people need help etc, it’s exhausting cause I’m so sad I’m unable to help everyone. I just don’t know what to do and if I’m being entirely honest it’s making me not wanna be here anymore. I’m afraid that if i walk away from my phone for even 5 minutes someone will be in need and in danger and I want be there to help therefore it’s my fault etc. how can i cope with this? Obviously I want to help people but I wanna do it in different ways

I need advice. I’m constantly washing my hands after going to the bathroom/touching something I find gross, but it doesn’t stop at just washing. I have to keep washing til I feel right (usually 3-4 times). It also isn’t just my hands, I go all the way up my forearms. I know in my head that once is enough. But I can’t kick this repetitive behavior. I know I should just start only washing it once but I don’t know if I can handle the panic that will come after. I need advice/tips if anyone’s gone through something similar what worked for you. Im just sick of this

I know a few of you saw my posts about my ERP and the googling urges. That didn’t end up going well. My therapist actually decided we needed to halt it for now. The thing is it’s almost like I learned googling is harmless from those few exercises and my brain keeps generating more things to google. Normally I would just spiral and be done but now I can barely hold back from searching for long. I eventually give in. I’m horrified because it feels like I want to find illegal content. I swear on everything I am, I don’t want to find anything even close to it. I’m freaking out because I don’t understand what’s happening. I keep compulsively searching/testing/checking or idk. I keep remembering details and I feel like I need to google again to be sure of something. I feel absolutely insane can someone please help me??? I’m petrified I’m going to get in trouble.