It’s a ramble I guess? It’s happened before but not with thing so severe and it’s something I know I will never do. (At least I pray to god I wouldn’t.) sometimes my ocd will tell me to do things usually for a few similar reasons
-thinking about numbers and symmetry if I do it once I have to do it again to an even number interval
- I’ll ask myself a question or tell myself to do something then I feel like I have to or I get the itchy feeling that makes me want to explode. For example i Was at a coffee shop and for some reason my head said “you have to touch this couch once.” And then I can’t remember the events that led to it but now every time I go to that location I feel like have to touch the couch once. The idea will come and I can’t get it out of my head.
-another trigger is seeing signs or being told don’t touch something/don’t do it it’s bad and my mind decides “I have to do that” not to be devious but it’s almost like I feel like I need to have that experience happen like I’ll miss out even if it’s ridiculous
This leads me to my reason for this post I was on Reddit and I saw a few posts of the descent of a man who tried heroin and got addicted. He eventually got better after like 12 years but his first post explained how it felt so good. And I know it’s wrong. I know you easily get addicted. I don’t want to do it for the pleasure or anything even. I don’t know why my brain is saying you have to experience this. I can say I’m 90% sure I would never because I realize how serious it is.
My theory at least is my brain thinks I’ll miss out or another theory is that my mind works in a way of wanting to complete and do everything. Like checking off a box. That’s why I can’t make decisions I don’t think. I think things left undone or not completed is what does it. I feel like I have to do it all bad and good even if I know it’s not good.
I’m proud to say I have restraint for a lot of my bad thoughts. But I think I need to put them out somewhere or I’ll get the itchy feeling again. Maybe this is like confession or something. I needed to tell someone because I don’t know why my brain does this.