I tried having sex with a girl I had sex with four months ago but I couldn’t get in the mood. I couldn’t get even half an erection. All the time while having intrusive gay thoughts. Inside my mind I was like “see, your gay” “you are not enjoying this” Eventually I couldn’t handle this and stopped making out with her. Now I’m even more depressed. Idk what’s wrong, I can’t take this anymore. The thing is I see guys that are attractive and I get a groinal response and my mind goes into the doubt spiral again. The thing is I know I genuinely have no interest in relationships or anything sexual with guys so why does my mind is literally CONVINCING me that I do? I really can’t take this anymore. I’m having suicidal thoughts for the first time in years.

Im exactly in the same place as you. When my boyfriend was here and we had sex, i couldnt get out of my head. I kept analyzing whether or not i actually enjoyed it, and it took me 100% out of the experience which my ocd really took hold of. For months i was genuinely in the worst place id ever been in. I feel like youre exactly where i was back when this started, just the reverse. Im not sure if ive made progress or its just started to bother me less, but youre not alone man.

Hocd/so-ocd is scary!! Its intrusive and mean. It latches onto whats important to you and for a lot of people (myself included) its their sexuality. I dont want to reassure you because thats not how you beat this, but i can tell you that you arent your brain, and right now your brain has you convinced because youre so wrapped up in this obsession you have no choice but to beleive its true. If you can, look into mindfulness and acceptance and commitment therapy to help you through this. You need to accept that the thoughts are there and not interact with them. Notice them, but don't engage. I know its hard, and i know it seems fucking terrifying but the less i engage with them the less power they have. If you keep pushing and pushing and spinning and saying "IM NOT GAY IM NOT GAY IM NOT GAY" Youre feeding it. Youre giving it power. Whenever my so-ocd acts up and says "youre not a gay man, youre straight" i go "thanks ocd" and move forward. Some days this works great and im in a fantastic mood. Some days it doesnt and i have an awful day. It takes time and you literally need to retrain your brain from this habit youve formed. Ive been where you are and i know how hard it is.

i’ve been going through the exact same thing on and off for months and some days it kills me, other days i’m like wtf that’s so stupid. i know it’s so hard to not engage and when it’s bad, it seems like nothing can fix it, but just know you’re not alone and it’s your ocd talking! u can do it

I just can’t take this anymore. It’s too much. I swear I’m not homophobic in the slightest I’m just not comfortable with being gay. Though my mind is saying that I am and it can be so convincing. I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I just don’t get how this obsession can be so overwhelming. I had scrupulosity and Rocd and I swear it wasn’t as intense as this.

Have you tried not engaging with the thoughts? Just think that you brain is puking out trash because of your disorder. See your mind as a theater, and you're a spectator