I tried having sex with a girl I had sex with four months ago but I couldn’t get in the mood. I couldn’t get even half an erection. All the time while having intrusive gay thoughts. Inside my mind I was like “see, your gay” “you are not enjoying this” Eventually I couldn’t handle this and stopped making out with her. Now I’m even more depressed. Idk what’s wrong, I can’t take this anymore. The thing is I see guys that are attractive and I get a groinal response and my mind goes into the doubt spiral again. The thing is I know I genuinely have no interest in relationships or anything sexual with guys so why does my mind is literally CONVINCING me that I do? I really can’t take this anymore. I’m having suicidal thoughts for the first time in years.

Im so lost. I can’t find my carnal attraction like i used to. The one thing I am trying to be is true to myself. I keep watching porn to see if something, ANYTHING gay turns me on. And I never get excited. I just get anxious, a weird feeling, and i don’t like watching the “act”... I even try to will myself to like it but it just doesn’t pop up. But anything with a woman in it..boom I’m in the mood... But the doubt just creeps back in bc I’ll see a guy, say “oh he’s cute, could I do it with him?” Then I get anxious and say “that was a gay thought, you’re gay” but I just can’t prove it to myself I honestly do not care what I am at this point...I just want to be true and put the doubt behind me.... How do I do this? Someone please.

Lately I've been having a lot of groinal responses, don't want them to be there. Before any of this even happened to me, I don't think I ever had a groinal response looking at another man, it makes me convinced that I've always been gay. I don't wanna be gay. This morning I had a dream about a rapper, it wasn't sexual but for some reason I was hard? I have always been a fan of his music and that's it. Now that's fueling my thought process even more and convincing me that I'm gay and I've been in the closet for a while At the same time i keep crying looking at my ex cause i miss her so much. Another thing to note that whenever i see good looking men or men that are gay i get groinal responses, whereas before this I don't think any of this happened to me. Whenever i look at these men i have to actively take a few deep breath's to catch up my breath, i can feel my heart beating. And most of the times I'm not even thinking anything sexual when ilook at these men it's weird. None of this brings me happiness at all. At this point I'm scared of my own groin cause i don't know what to expect or what's gonna happen. My brain keeps going you're in denial I've always been into women, as far as i can remember, I've lost complete attraction to them especially after my break up and getting depressed and having anxiety. And i keep thinking find a man attractive and if i get a groinal response, " wanna have sex with him" where as before any of this happened to me, these thoughts never even came to my mind, my 22 years of life feels like a complete lie and i hate myself, I've lost all motivation to do Normal things, i feel sleepy, i don't feel confident, loss of attraction, loss of libido, loss of will power, my thoughts keep morphing from " you might be gay" to "you are gay" to "you're bi" to "you're gay" to " you're in the closest" to "how are you gonna come out?". None of these thoughts make me happy, it makes me more confused and scared and kinda uncomfortable, and weirded out too. Another thing i did was since December till March i watched gay porn and barely got aroused and didn't really find it all that hot.? But my brain ignores that i understand now that it was a compulsive thing that's why i stopped but now i get so many groinals it's so weird Can someone tell me what's going on with me? Please please please someone take the time out of their day to read this and respond, thank you! 😩😩😩

My mind keeps jumping to conclusions that I’m in denial and i have to come out , crazy how a thought went from “what if I’m gay” to “what if I’ve always been” to “you’re bi” to “you’re gsy” to full on statements and conclusions, like coming out and being in denial , as homophobic as this sounds everytime i see something gay i get an ick im not disgusted, very slightly, i was never like this, now I’m contemplating if i ever even liked women when i know i have before. I have nothing against gay people but i just don’t wanna be gay , saying that makes me feel uneasy which makes me more confused. Idk what I’ve become at this point .Now I’m doubting every life decision I’ve taken and gosh i wish me and my ex lasted, i was happy, even when we fought i remember telling myself we’re gonna get through this we’ll be fine, here i am doubting everything, at the same time wishing me and her lasted, regretting how i treated her, then the ocd part uses the fact that i went soft a few times with her and lost all interest in women after the break up against me, and then its basically convincing me to say that i am gay, none of these adds up . My brain keeps showing me images of being with men and happy about it and i don’t want that, i don’t think i ever did, then it’s like oh movies and tv shows have influenced you to think you should be with women , and then I’m here like if that was the case I’d feel uncomfortable and feel out of place , I’ve never felt that, i felt good with women and all as long as she was clean didn’t smell ofc but yeah now I’m so fucking lost.