- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Basically... How do i know I'm in the right relationship if i put everything down to ocd and change? Feels like it's too easy to take advantage then....... Its so hard to know what to do just to be at peace in my headddddd!!!! If I'm not questioning the porn I'm questioning whether the relationship is right or whether it's normal, or maybe I'm only feeling like this because he's lied in the past, maybe I should just end it and I'll be fine with someone else. It feels like theres 56 people fighting in my head at all time :(
- Date posted
- 3y
I just wish the topic didn't bother me whether it was hidden or not :(
- Date posted
- 3y
Agree with all obsessive thoughts
- Date posted
- 3y
I really understand this, and I really want to you to know I go through the SAME thing. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25, and I obsess over him lying. He has lied to me about little things in the past, and now everyday I think about what else he could be lying about. I ask him a lot if he is lying, and if he says no, then I just think that is a lie. I anyalze everything, and the only thing that helps is when he says “yes, I lied about that.” But the only things he lies about are small things that any normal person might lie about. It still isn’t good enough for me and when I am really having bad OCD days, we argue about things he could be lying about. With that being said, he knows I have OCD and my therapist describes these thoughts as “tigers”. She says “if a tiger is passing by you, are you going to invite it over to you and entertain it? No, you are probably going to let the tiger keep walking so it doesn’t hurt you.” She says the thoughts are tigers, don’t acknowledge them. Just let them come and go, and don’t think about it. Easier said than done, but I told my boyfriend about this and now whenever I ask “are you lying to me?” he says, “ that is just a tiger.” And I genuinely don’t think he lies to me anymore, especially about anything meaningful. But when OCD kicks in, I convince myself EVERYTHING is a lie. By saying “hey, that’s a tiger” we can focus on the OCD instead of the lying. My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend this is a tiger and tell him why. Maybe you are insecure about what he is looking at, maybe you don’t really care if he does but you want him to be honest about it. And while you talk about this, say “I don’t want to know right now if you do watch or not, I just want you to know why I think like this.” Because I think why you are in this cycle is because you are asking for validation and reassurance. Maybe you want to hear that he isn’t looking because you are just so sexy that anyone else isn’t good enough to get off on, but even if he did say that you wouldn’t believe him because you don’t believe it yourself. Maybe you want to hear that he does watch it because that is more believable to you, and finally it is an answer that you can settle with. Either way, it is looking for reassurance. The first step is being compassionate with yourself and saying “it is okay to be insecure.” Every person on this planet is insecure! The reason I question my boyfriend so much is because I’M insecure I am not good enough for him so he lies that he loves me. Once you start working on being nicer to yourself, things will get easier. I know self-esteem is hard to gain, but for now just try telling yourself it is okay to feel these things. It is okay to be afraid of change, it is okay to be insecure, it is okay to not be perfect. This is being compassionate with yourself. My other advice is to stop looking for reassurance. It will not be possible to completely stop overnight, but instead of asking if him the second you have worries, try the S.T.O.P method. S- stop what your doing, either talking with your boyfriend, watching television, etc. T- take a breath and focus on your breathing, this helps get you out of your head. O- observe what is happening within you, once you start to calm down, think about what triggered it or how you are feeling now. P- proceed with what you were doing. The most harmful thing you can do if give yourself reassurance. This means going through his history to find reassurance, asking him to reassure you, googling things to reassure you. That isn’t only hurting you. It provides temporary relief, so when you start to worry again you keep repeating the process. But it isn’t healthy, trust me. This is what makes OCD so hard, is not searching for comfort. I know this is super long and I am sorry, I just really identified with what you said. The last thing is I can say is that OCD hates change and the uncertainty. I think that is why this spiked up in you so much, especially since you just went back to work. The change made it worse again. But there is nothing we can do about change and the unknown, which is why I really think it is important for you to work on this. Since I started following these guidelines, my life/OCD has gotten a million times better. Do I still have these thoughts and do I still let them in from time to time? Yes! Because it is so hard (maybe even impossible) to do these things all the time. Some days I do not have the energy to fight it so much, but that is okay. Because I am human, and I am going to be compassionate about myself. I hope you can feel that way too. Countering these thoughts is going to be very hard, but if you truly want it stop, it is worth it!
- Date posted
- 2y
I just want to say thank you so much for putting this so articulately. It was so reassuring and calming for me as someone experiencing all of these intrusive thoughts and ruminating on this topic
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y
Hello! Ok I did take the time to read all of this. As an outside observer I notice a few things from the information given. 1. You state that you have an addiction to porn. From what is said here I feel like OCD has latched onto that and maybe you think everyone has an addiction to porn. I'd also be curious if there was some moral scrupulosity OCD in the mix and if you feel guilty or bad for watching porn. 2. Something is driving you to dig dig dig for information and then when you get the information you do not trust it.... You guessed it... Sounds like big ol fat OCD mixed with a little bit of needing control and doubting. I would suggest ERP! 2 exposures come to mind. But first I would tell my partner I have OCD and some of it is around PORN so when I ask you if I have watched porn you can tell me one of 2 things. Maybe I have and maybe I haven't or you can say either yes or no. And If I ask you again you give me the same answer and that is all. This allows you to not get reassurance and to have to sit with the uncertainty of maybe they did or maybe they didn't. So, 1 exposure would be to ask them, get there response and accept it. Refrain from asking again and sit with your discomfort, anxiety, doubt, etc. By sitting I don't mean to just sit... ask, recieve the answer and then go about your day. Wash the dishes, go to the grocery store, do what ever you need to be doing AND allow all of that anxiety to be there with out doing compulsions... which is you asking again and demanding, etc. A big part of this is also acceptance. Accepting that you can ask any question, receive any answer and it may or may not be a lie.... 2nd exposure would be a script that you read. Write out something that relates to this and read it over and over. Set a 10 minute time, check in with yourself every 2 minutes, rate your anxiety and keep reading till the timer ends. Then let the rest of the anxiety stay and work its way down as you continue on with your day. Ex. of a script might be: When I ask John if he has watched porn he may or may not tell me the truth. I accept that uncertainty and will take his answer and will move on with my day...but really make it your own and add in what is going on in real life. I would also suggest writing down the compulsions you are doing around this prior so that you are aware to not do them. Rumination is probably part of this and when you ruminate or the thoughts start popping in your head just acknowledge that they are there and return back to your present day... don't engage and try to figure them out... just let them be, let the anxiety be and move on with your day. I know that is a lot but this really all comes down to just doing some ERP so you can find freedom from this.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi both, first of all, thanks for much for taking the time to read and reply so thoughtfully. It makes me feel better to know I'm not just crazy and alone in this experience. I have talked to my partner about the ocd and how it makes me feel but I think he struggles to understand it when I'm asking a million questions at a million miles an hour. Really thank you thank you thank you so much for the suggestions. It feels unmanageable at times. You're definitely right about the reassurance seeking, I am okay with it, within reason, but it definitely makes me feel more insecure. But it's the lies I get latched on to. I've tried to sit with it before, it's not good. I guess I haven't stuck with it enough. I just get so so so so frightened that one day in 10 years from me if I get married and have kids, I'm gonna find out he's been lying to me, and maybe if I had just asked that next time, he will admit something, get caught out and I can push him away. If I don't ask I convince myself that if I don't ask then it's going to encourage him to do something bad. I know really that asking and asking is probably going to push him away, but it feels safer to ask and ask and ask and ask and ask, in case he admits to lying and hurting me, so I don't get stuck in the future. It's hard to explain... I wish I could be vulnerable but honestly, it feels unachievable with the constant questioning and rumination on what's right/wrong/acceptable in a relationship/what others would do. Thanks again for your responses, I can't tell you how much it is appreciated
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 23w
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
- Students with OCD
- Sexual Orientation OCD
- OCD newbies
- LGBTQ+ with OCD
- Relationship OCD
- Young adults with OCD
- Date posted
- 20w
Does anyone else experience ocd around the topic of non monogamy and hookup culture and stuff? Im not hating people who are into these things, intact I thinks it great that people have ways of experiencing relationships how they want to and I will always support and advocate for that, but non monogamy and hookup culture is not for me. However because its not for me and I really don't want to partake in any of these things by brain keeps telling me things like: 1. Monogamy is toxic and fake and polyamory is the only real way to have relationships 2. I secretly want non monogamy and casual relationship 3. I'm experiencing these feelings because im a bigot 4. Everyone's involved in non monogamy in some for these days even if its things like open relationships, threesomes etc so monogamy will become rare and you will never have a relationship Those are just some of the thoughts but I have many more. Like I said I'm supportive of people who engage in those things, but I don't want it and I feel as though I can't justify my reasons why I don't want it and that I'm a fake or a bigot. I'm constantly googling "benefits of monogamy" "why monogamy is better" etc to justify to myself why I want what i want. My googling is so obsessive though and I'm up all night doing it and watching videos and things. I can't sleep because of my worries. Everytime I see anything, anywhere relating to non monogamy wheather that be open relationships, polyamory, threesomes etc I feel so sick In my stomach, my anxiety sky rockets and I just want to cry, it's how I am with seeing gay relationship and things with my sexual orientation ocd. (I feel the same when I things about hookups and stuff too). It's like a voice in my head is going "see it's working for these people, you actually want it, your lying if you don't". I have thousands of screenshots of articles and posts that's reassure me about my wants but my ocd always makes be doubt myself. I need some advice on how to deal with it, because im at breaking point and feel like a horrible person. I also want to know if anyone else is dealing with what I'm going through.
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