This has been plaguing me for 12 years and I can't figure it out. Never posted on one of these so hoping not to be let down. Before I start, this topic is not about whether porn is acceptable in relationships or not, or whether women are crazy for feeling insecure etc. I understand its different for everyone and its a common issue. This is about my mental health. I have trauma from childhood, something I've only just realised since starting on and off therapy sessions about 3 years ago. So do lots of people I know... My boyfriend is 29, we've been together 6 years. We are and have been stuck in a cycle for years, again on and off. My self esteem is very very low, but in some aspects like my career and within friendship groups I'm very confident/bubbly. When it comes to people getting close to me in a relationship I am not. I can be needy, anxious and obsessive. I was diagnosed with OCD intrusive thoughts when I was 16, 12 years ago. And later in life, recently, my therapist says you could see my questioning as a form of ocd. I have a real obsession with pornography. My own use has sometimes been obsessive and had a negative impact on me, but not so recently, it comes and goesin waves. But since my first relationship at 17 its something I have obsessively asked partners about their use. All 3 lied. At 20 I found out my dad had posted videos of my mum on a porn site and been selling her underwear without her knowing. So I seem to have a very mixed up view on how to feel about it. On the one hand I think it's normal to want to look at that, and doesn't define how someone feels about you, I feel okay with it if it's not an unhealthy amount of watching/affecting your sex life. On the other hand, I get the urge to ask and need to know, if I try to push past the urge to ask I become angry, distant and full of hatred towards my partner. If I do ask, if I get the answer no I haven't watched, I say "you're lying" and question and question every little instance. It gets so bad I say things like "I know that's a lie though because there was toilet paper in your dressing gown pocket" to which he says he had a cold or something. I will then proceed to Google things like "toilet paper in boyfriends dressing gown pocket meaning" as you can imagine, when even google comes back with nothing, I still don't snap out of it. My partner admits to using porn every so often, but says he hasn't much since the lockdown and ive been working from home. I don't believe that, he used to lie about it (this was years ago) and say he never watched it. I found proof, he tried to deny then talked to me about how he felt a lot of pressure because I question every hour. Which I understand, but I can't seem to stop. After that I went to therapy for the first time as an adult. Addressed childhood trauma and my confidence improved, so I didn't feel the need to ask as much, as when I did he would sometimes say yes I have watched it, or if he said no I would sometimes accept that. Other times, which is the majority.... I have FRANTIC thoughts, I demand to look through his history, downloads, then to say "you've just deleted it". It spirals and spirals for hours, he doesn't change his mind, I try every manipulation tactic I can think of to get him to tell me the truth. Because the only time I seem to feel peace in my head is when I ask and I hear the words "yes I have watched it today". I can't explain the feeling this gives me but its a sense of calm, for a day or so. Then Im right back at it the next day. He says sometimes he struggles to talk to me about my day because I seem distant with him. Its true, I don't really care what he has to say, cos all I want to know is whether he's watched porn or not. And now I'm back at work, it's even worse. The reality is, he probably is lying about the frequency of his porn use. He feels its a private thing and I shoildnt need to know, but tells me sometimes to keep me happy I reckon???? Ive lied about frequency of use for me before too. And I also think I would if my partner was so obsessive like I am. I don't know what to do, or how to break the cycle. It's killing anything we may have left to salvage, if anything. But I did the same to my other 2 partners too. Same topic. I also obsess over things like, am I actually a lesbian? Does he like the way I look? But with this, because it's so secretive, I'm so so so frightened one day I'm gonna wake up in my 50s to some creepo who watches porn 3 times a day and looks and young girls. When in reality he's far from that, poor guy doesn't even have social media. Just the occasional (maybe regularly I dunno) human urge to do his business. Has anyone else suffered with this? It's such a stupid insignifant topic but its causing real pain for both of us.

Basically... How do i know I'm in the right relationship if i put everything down to ocd and change? Feels like it's too easy to take advantage then....... Its so hard to know what to do just to be at peace in my headddddd!!!! If I'm not questioning the porn I'm questioning whether the relationship is right or whether it's normal, or maybe I'm only feeling like this because he's lied in the past, maybe I should just end it and I'll be fine with someone else. It feels like theres 56 people fighting in my head at all time :(

I just wish the topic didn't bother me whether it was hidden or not :(

Agree with all obsessive thoughts

I really understand this, and I really want to you to know I go through the SAME thing. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25, and I obsess over him lying. He has lied to me about little things in the past, and now everyday I think about what else he could be lying about. I ask him a lot if he is lying, and if he says no, then I just think that is a lie. I anyalze everything, and the only thing that helps is when he says “yes, I lied about that.” But the only things he lies about are small things that any normal person might lie about. It still isn’t good enough for me and when I am really having bad OCD days, we argue about things he could be lying about. With that being said, he knows I have OCD and my therapist describes these thoughts as “tigers”. She says “if a tiger is passing by you, are you going to invite it over to you and entertain it? No, you are probably going to let the tiger keep walking so it doesn’t hurt you.” She says the thoughts are tigers, don’t acknowledge them. Just let them come and go, and don’t think about it. Easier said than done, but I told my boyfriend about this and now whenever I ask “are you lying to me?” he says, “ that is just a tiger.” And I genuinely don’t think he lies to me anymore, especially about anything meaningful. But when OCD kicks in, I convince myself EVERYTHING is a lie. By saying “hey, that’s a tiger” we can focus on the OCD instead of the lying. My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend this is a tiger and tell him why. Maybe you are insecure about what he is looking at, maybe you don’t really care if he does but you want him to be honest about it. And while you talk about this, say “I don’t want to know right now if you do watch or not, I just want you to know why I think like this.” Because I think why you are in this cycle is because you are asking for validation and reassurance. Maybe you want to hear that he isn’t looking because you are just so sexy that anyone else isn’t good enough to get off on, but even if he did say that you wouldn’t believe him because you don’t believe it yourself. Maybe you want to hear that he does watch it because that is more believable to you, and finally it is an answer that you can settle with. Either way, it is looking for reassurance. The first step is being compassionate with yourself and saying “it is okay to be insecure.” Every person on this planet is insecure! The reason I question my boyfriend so much is because I’M insecure I am not good enough for him so he lies that he loves me. Once you start working on being nicer to yourself, things will get easier. I know self-esteem is hard to gain, but for now just try telling yourself it is okay to feel these things. It is okay to be afraid of change, it is okay to be insecure, it is okay to not be perfect. This is being compassionate with yourself. My other advice is to stop looking for reassurance. It will not be possible to completely stop overnight, but instead of asking if him the second you have worries, try the S.T.O.P method. S- stop what your doing, either talking with your boyfriend, watching television, etc. T- take a breath and focus on your breathing, this helps get you out of your head. O- observe what is happening within you, once you start to calm down, think about what triggered it or how you are feeling now. P- proceed with what you were doing. The most harmful thing you can do if give yourself reassurance. This means going through his history to find reassurance, asking him to reassure you, googling things to reassure you. That isn’t only hurting you. It provides temporary relief, so when you start to worry again you keep repeating the process. But it isn’t healthy, trust me. This is what makes OCD so hard, is not searching for comfort. I know this is super long and I am sorry, I just really identified with what you said. The last thing is I can say is that OCD hates change and the uncertainty. I think that is why this spiked up in you so much, especially since you just went back to work. The change made it worse again. But there is nothing we can do about change and the unknown, which is why I really think it is important for you to work on this. Since I started following these guidelines, my life/OCD has gotten a million times better. Do I still have these thoughts and do I still let them in from time to time? Yes! Because it is so hard (maybe even impossible) to do these things all the time. Some days I do not have the energy to fight it so much, but that is okay. Because I am human, and I am going to be compassionate about myself. I hope you can feel that way too. Countering these thoughts is going to be very hard, but if you truly want it stop, it is worth it!

Hello! Ok I did take the time to read all of this. As an outside observer I notice a few things from the information given. 1. You state that you have an addiction to porn. From what is said here I feel like OCD has latched onto that and maybe you think everyone has an addiction to porn. I'd also be curious if there was some moral scrupulosity OCD in the mix and if you feel guilty or bad for watching porn. 2. Something is driving you to dig dig dig for information and then when you get the information you do not trust it.... You guessed it... Sounds like big ol fat OCD mixed with a little bit of needing control and doubting. I would suggest ERP! 2 exposures come to mind. But first I would tell my partner I have OCD and some of it is around PORN so when I ask you if I have watched porn you can tell me one of 2 things. Maybe I have and maybe I haven't or you can say either yes or no. And If I ask you again you give me the same answer and that is all. This allows you to not get reassurance and to have to sit with the uncertainty of maybe they did or maybe they didn't. So, 1 exposure would be to ask them, get there response and accept it. Refrain from asking again and sit with your discomfort, anxiety, doubt, etc. By sitting I don't mean to just sit... ask, recieve the answer and then go about your day. Wash the dishes, go to the grocery store, do what ever you need to be doing AND allow all of that anxiety to be there with out doing compulsions... which is you asking again and demanding, etc. A big part of this is also acceptance. Accepting that you can ask any question, receive any answer and it may or may not be a lie.... 2nd exposure would be a script that you read. Write out something that relates to this and read it over and over. Set a 10 minute time, check in with yourself every 2 minutes, rate your anxiety and keep reading till the timer ends. Then let the rest of the anxiety stay and work its way down as you continue on with your day. Ex. of a script might be: When I ask John if he has watched porn he may or may not tell me the truth. I accept that uncertainty and will take his answer and will move on with my day...but really make it your own and add in what is going on in real life. I would also suggest writing down the compulsions you are doing around this prior so that you are aware to not do them. Rumination is probably part of this and when you ruminate or the thoughts start popping in your head just acknowledge that they are there and return back to your present day... don't engage and try to figure them out... just let them be, let the anxiety be and move on with your day. I know that is a lot but this really all comes down to just doing some ERP so you can find freedom from this.

Hi both, first of all, thanks for much for taking the time to read and reply so thoughtfully. It makes me feel better to know I'm not just crazy and alone in this experience. I have talked to my partner about the ocd and how it makes me feel but I think he struggles to understand it when I'm asking a million questions at a million miles an hour. Really thank you thank you thank you so much for the suggestions. It feels unmanageable at times. You're definitely right about the reassurance seeking, I am okay with it, within reason, but it definitely makes me feel more insecure. But it's the lies I get latched on to. I've tried to sit with it before, it's not good. I guess I haven't stuck with it enough. I just get so so so so frightened that one day in 10 years from me if I get married and have kids, I'm gonna find out he's been lying to me, and maybe if I had just asked that next time, he will admit something, get caught out and I can push him away. If I don't ask I convince myself that if I don't ask then it's going to encourage him to do something bad. I know really that asking and asking is probably going to push him away, but it feels safer to ask and ask and ask and ask and ask, in case he admits to lying and hurting me, so I don't get stuck in the future. It's hard to explain... I wish I could be vulnerable but honestly, it feels unachievable with the constant questioning and rumination on what's right/wrong/acceptable in a relationship/what others would do. Thanks again for your responses, I can't tell you how much it is appreciated