- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Basically... How do i know I'm in the right relationship if i put everything down to ocd and change? Feels like it's too easy to take advantage then....... Its so hard to know what to do just to be at peace in my headddddd!!!! If I'm not questioning the porn I'm questioning whether the relationship is right or whether it's normal, or maybe I'm only feeling like this because he's lied in the past, maybe I should just end it and I'll be fine with someone else. It feels like theres 56 people fighting in my head at all time :(
- Date posted
- 3y
I just wish the topic didn't bother me whether it was hidden or not :(
- Date posted
- 3y
Agree with all obsessive thoughts
- Date posted
- 3y
I really understand this, and I really want to you to know I go through the SAME thing. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25, and I obsess over him lying. He has lied to me about little things in the past, and now everyday I think about what else he could be lying about. I ask him a lot if he is lying, and if he says no, then I just think that is a lie. I anyalze everything, and the only thing that helps is when he says “yes, I lied about that.” But the only things he lies about are small things that any normal person might lie about. It still isn’t good enough for me and when I am really having bad OCD days, we argue about things he could be lying about. With that being said, he knows I have OCD and my therapist describes these thoughts as “tigers”. She says “if a tiger is passing by you, are you going to invite it over to you and entertain it? No, you are probably going to let the tiger keep walking so it doesn’t hurt you.” She says the thoughts are tigers, don’t acknowledge them. Just let them come and go, and don’t think about it. Easier said than done, but I told my boyfriend about this and now whenever I ask “are you lying to me?” he says, “ that is just a tiger.” And I genuinely don’t think he lies to me anymore, especially about anything meaningful. But when OCD kicks in, I convince myself EVERYTHING is a lie. By saying “hey, that’s a tiger” we can focus on the OCD instead of the lying. My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend this is a tiger and tell him why. Maybe you are insecure about what he is looking at, maybe you don’t really care if he does but you want him to be honest about it. And while you talk about this, say “I don’t want to know right now if you do watch or not, I just want you to know why I think like this.” Because I think why you are in this cycle is because you are asking for validation and reassurance. Maybe you want to hear that he isn’t looking because you are just so sexy that anyone else isn’t good enough to get off on, but even if he did say that you wouldn’t believe him because you don’t believe it yourself. Maybe you want to hear that he does watch it because that is more believable to you, and finally it is an answer that you can settle with. Either way, it is looking for reassurance. The first step is being compassionate with yourself and saying “it is okay to be insecure.” Every person on this planet is insecure! The reason I question my boyfriend so much is because I’M insecure I am not good enough for him so he lies that he loves me. Once you start working on being nicer to yourself, things will get easier. I know self-esteem is hard to gain, but for now just try telling yourself it is okay to feel these things. It is okay to be afraid of change, it is okay to be insecure, it is okay to not be perfect. This is being compassionate with yourself. My other advice is to stop looking for reassurance. It will not be possible to completely stop overnight, but instead of asking if him the second you have worries, try the S.T.O.P method. S- stop what your doing, either talking with your boyfriend, watching television, etc. T- take a breath and focus on your breathing, this helps get you out of your head. O- observe what is happening within you, once you start to calm down, think about what triggered it or how you are feeling now. P- proceed with what you were doing. The most harmful thing you can do if give yourself reassurance. This means going through his history to find reassurance, asking him to reassure you, googling things to reassure you. That isn’t only hurting you. It provides temporary relief, so when you start to worry again you keep repeating the process. But it isn’t healthy, trust me. This is what makes OCD so hard, is not searching for comfort. I know this is super long and I am sorry, I just really identified with what you said. The last thing is I can say is that OCD hates change and the uncertainty. I think that is why this spiked up in you so much, especially since you just went back to work. The change made it worse again. But there is nothing we can do about change and the unknown, which is why I really think it is important for you to work on this. Since I started following these guidelines, my life/OCD has gotten a million times better. Do I still have these thoughts and do I still let them in from time to time? Yes! Because it is so hard (maybe even impossible) to do these things all the time. Some days I do not have the energy to fight it so much, but that is okay. Because I am human, and I am going to be compassionate about myself. I hope you can feel that way too. Countering these thoughts is going to be very hard, but if you truly want it stop, it is worth it!
- Date posted
- 2y
I just want to say thank you so much for putting this so articulately. It was so reassuring and calming for me as someone experiencing all of these intrusive thoughts and ruminating on this topic
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y
Hello! Ok I did take the time to read all of this. As an outside observer I notice a few things from the information given. 1. You state that you have an addiction to porn. From what is said here I feel like OCD has latched onto that and maybe you think everyone has an addiction to porn. I'd also be curious if there was some moral scrupulosity OCD in the mix and if you feel guilty or bad for watching porn. 2. Something is driving you to dig dig dig for information and then when you get the information you do not trust it.... You guessed it... Sounds like big ol fat OCD mixed with a little bit of needing control and doubting. I would suggest ERP! 2 exposures come to mind. But first I would tell my partner I have OCD and some of it is around PORN so when I ask you if I have watched porn you can tell me one of 2 things. Maybe I have and maybe I haven't or you can say either yes or no. And If I ask you again you give me the same answer and that is all. This allows you to not get reassurance and to have to sit with the uncertainty of maybe they did or maybe they didn't. So, 1 exposure would be to ask them, get there response and accept it. Refrain from asking again and sit with your discomfort, anxiety, doubt, etc. By sitting I don't mean to just sit... ask, recieve the answer and then go about your day. Wash the dishes, go to the grocery store, do what ever you need to be doing AND allow all of that anxiety to be there with out doing compulsions... which is you asking again and demanding, etc. A big part of this is also acceptance. Accepting that you can ask any question, receive any answer and it may or may not be a lie.... 2nd exposure would be a script that you read. Write out something that relates to this and read it over and over. Set a 10 minute time, check in with yourself every 2 minutes, rate your anxiety and keep reading till the timer ends. Then let the rest of the anxiety stay and work its way down as you continue on with your day. Ex. of a script might be: When I ask John if he has watched porn he may or may not tell me the truth. I accept that uncertainty and will take his answer and will move on with my day...but really make it your own and add in what is going on in real life. I would also suggest writing down the compulsions you are doing around this prior so that you are aware to not do them. Rumination is probably part of this and when you ruminate or the thoughts start popping in your head just acknowledge that they are there and return back to your present day... don't engage and try to figure them out... just let them be, let the anxiety be and move on with your day. I know that is a lot but this really all comes down to just doing some ERP so you can find freedom from this.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi both, first of all, thanks for much for taking the time to read and reply so thoughtfully. It makes me feel better to know I'm not just crazy and alone in this experience. I have talked to my partner about the ocd and how it makes me feel but I think he struggles to understand it when I'm asking a million questions at a million miles an hour. Really thank you thank you thank you so much for the suggestions. It feels unmanageable at times. You're definitely right about the reassurance seeking, I am okay with it, within reason, but it definitely makes me feel more insecure. But it's the lies I get latched on to. I've tried to sit with it before, it's not good. I guess I haven't stuck with it enough. I just get so so so so frightened that one day in 10 years from me if I get married and have kids, I'm gonna find out he's been lying to me, and maybe if I had just asked that next time, he will admit something, get caught out and I can push him away. If I don't ask I convince myself that if I don't ask then it's going to encourage him to do something bad. I know really that asking and asking is probably going to push him away, but it feels safer to ask and ask and ask and ask and ask, in case he admits to lying and hurting me, so I don't get stuck in the future. It's hard to explain... I wish I could be vulnerable but honestly, it feels unachievable with the constant questioning and rumination on what's right/wrong/acceptable in a relationship/what others would do. Thanks again for your responses, I can't tell you how much it is appreciated
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
Some of this isn't about ocd. But it causes a lot of ocd problems. And what I'm asking you for is your opinion and what you would do in this situation. So my boyfriend chooses porn over me a lot. He's a hurt teenager and he's went through a lot. Child abuse. Cocsa. Drunk parents. Split parents. He has about 10 siblings and generally has went through so much. But he has a serious porn problem. Which is concerning especially the fact we are teenagers, and he's dating me. In no way whatsoever am I leaving him. Although I need people's opinions. I've communicated about the problem. I've told him how it makes me feel so shit and hurt. And I feel insecure. But what he does is he just stops telling me if he watches is, but then I can tell from his change of behavior and the lying hurts more. And everytime he tells me he's going home (we are long distancced) I INSTANTLY panick, I beg to call him. I try to distract him. I beg him not to watch porn. And it's so damaging me. And I hate it so much but I love him so much and I know he doesn't want to hurt me. And. Sometimes it feels like when he says "I love you" and stuff, it feels like it's not coming from the heart. For example if you where in school and your fellow classmate got forced by a teacher to apologize to you. You would obviously know the class mate doesn't mean it. But there just saying it. That's how I feel with my boyfriend. It feels like I'm forcing him to say he loves me. Like I'm forcing him to talk to me. It's been half a year now we have been together. He crys if I ever bring up leaving him, and I don't wanna leave him. I feel like I've done EVERYTHING to fix this. Yet I'm STUCK. so please. If anyone has any ideas I can try I will. Or any opinions, or even harsh truths. You can be mean. Anything. Thank you so much.
- Date posted
- 18w
(Sorry for the long post!) So one of the OCD things that most affects me at times, and that I have not really found other people dealing with (in literature or in my work as a therapist working with people with OCD), is one that often relates to potential dating and people I am interested in. Typically, as a gay male, I meet people on chat apps or dating sites, so the first interactions are virtual. What I find often happens is that I sort of build an image of the person, and then if anything goes against that, I start to get anxious and the OCD kicks in. An example may work best. I started talking to a guy that I find incredibly attractive, and who seems to find me attractive as well, and when we became friends on instagram, I saw that he has done some amateur modeling for a friend who does pictures in various states of undress. There are a few in underwear, and a few with no clothes (no genitals are shown), and this started off the thoughts of "oh no, he must just want sex" or "I bet he is super promiscuous if he has pictures like these." This leads to me investigating the other photos on the site, and the guy who does the images to try and figure it out, what kind of work it is, etc. I even found a way to work it into a conversation with the guy, like "wow I don't think I could do that. You're braver than me," and he said he did it because the photographer is a husband of a coworker and expressed interest in doing the pictures, and he loves his body so didn't mind doing it, and they are really good friends now. OCD then gets triggered "he loves his body? That must mean he really IS promiscuous. What if he and the men also have threesomes?" This leads to intrusive thoughts of me having to picture this happening,or him having sex with other people, over and over until it "feels right." I'll recheck his dating profiles in which has said that he is "not into fast sex," and then think about and picture scenarios about how that could just mean he wants to talk to someone once before having sex. The OCD also affects conversations--if he doesn't get back to me quickly on WhatsApp, I scour the texts to see if I messed something up (ocd responsibility--it's always my fault). I texted him yesterday, and he hasn't looked at the messages (he has read receipts on WhatsApp), but I check and see that he has liked a post by someone on instagram or has posted a story, so I think "clearly he sees that I've messaged and is purposely ignoring it, because he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. That's it, I'm never going to hear from him again." We were supposed to hang out last week, but he asked to reschedule because he wasn't feeling well, so my OCD then said "he was at an event the night before, he probably met someone and is still at their house." He did text the next day to ask what my schedule was, and then said "perfect. I work in Lisbon until next Thursday" (I'm currently living in Porto, in Portugal, where he also lives), so he seems to be interested in hanging out, but then I think "he probably saw something that I did online or someone we both know in common somehow told him something and now he's done with me. Or maybe he met someone he's more interested in, and will just ignore me now." This type of experience has happened with several guys I've been interested in, and it has actually led to me pushing too hard and making them uncomfortable as I seek certainty, so I'm trying to be aware of that and not engage in that kind of behavior. I also realize that there are like a billion different OCD things in this post, and I'm writing another post as well related to how moral scrupulosity has been controlling my beliefs about sex, etc., something my new therapist identified after one session. Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has experienced anything along these lines, because when it happens it takes over and it is painful and I just want to rip it out of my head. Additionally, I never quite know how to manage exposure to this type of thing--there is the logical one of not checking social media, and not texting or re-reading texts, but it's also hard because I will actually force myself at times to think about him having sex with people, and then that makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety, but I also can't suppress the thoughts, as that doesn't work, and am thus trying to do more of an ACT/acceptance approach. Unfortunately my therapist is out of town this week, so we can't work on anything surrounding this until next week. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I apologize that it is so long, but it is just really sucks right now.
- Date posted
- 15w
I am a girl's in my twenties. I got diagnosed with OCD last year. I have a boyfriend, sadly we're long distance right now. I've liked boys all my life. It's very difficult to sustain intimacy in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I have intimate calls with my boyfriend and it's nice. Other times, however, (and I am not proud of it) I do watch porn. I started watching porn when I was 16. I've tried to quit it many times but every couple of weeks I go back to it. And as everyone knows, one of the MANY problems with it is that your brain will always ask for more. More taboo things, more explicit things. I have a daddy kink. I've roleplayed with my boyfriend and watched porn of this kink. Now, the thing is that my brain keeps telling me that I won't orgasm unless I think of little girls being ab*sed. I've never looked for that on the internet, I never want to either. I am under EXTREME DISTRESS, because what my brain tells me feels SO REAL, and it's like my pleasure gets blocked and that contributes to me thinking my brain must be right. It wasn't like this before. I want to go back. I'm scared it will be like this forever now.
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