- Username
- usernamefree
- Date posted
- 2y ago
Basically... How do i know I'm in the right relationship if i put everything down to ocd and change? Feels like it's too easy to take advantage then....... Its so hard to know what to do just to be at peace in my headddddd!!!! If I'm not questioning the porn I'm questioning whether the relationship is right or whether it's normal, or maybe I'm only feeling like this because he's lied in the past, maybe I should just end it and I'll be fine with someone else. It feels like theres 56 people fighting in my head at all time :(
I just wish the topic didn't bother me whether it was hidden or not :(
Agree with all obsessive thoughts
I really understand this, and I really want to you to know I go through the SAME thing. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25, and I obsess over him lying. He has lied to me about little things in the past, and now everyday I think about what else he could be lying about. I ask him a lot if he is lying, and if he says no, then I just think that is a lie. I anyalze everything, and the only thing that helps is when he says “yes, I lied about that.” But the only things he lies about are small things that any normal person might lie about. It still isn’t good enough for me and when I am really having bad OCD days, we argue about things he could be lying about. With that being said, he knows I have OCD and my therapist describes these thoughts as “tigers”. She says “if a tiger is passing by you, are you going to invite it over to you and entertain it? No, you are probably going to let the tiger keep walking so it doesn’t hurt you.” She says the thoughts are tigers, don’t acknowledge them. Just let them come and go, and don’t think about it. Easier said than done, but I told my boyfriend about this and now whenever I ask “are you lying to me?” he says, “ that is just a tiger.” And I genuinely don’t think he lies to me anymore, especially about anything meaningful. But when OCD kicks in, I convince myself EVERYTHING is a lie. By saying “hey, that’s a tiger” we can focus on the OCD instead of the lying. My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend this is a tiger and tell him why. Maybe you are insecure about what he is looking at, maybe you don’t really care if he does but you want him to be honest about it. And while you talk about this, say “I don’t want to know right now if you do watch or not, I just want you to know why I think like this.” Because I think why you are in this cycle is because you are asking for validation and reassurance. Maybe you want to hear that he isn’t looking because you are just so sexy that anyone else isn’t good enough to get off on, but even if he did say that you wouldn’t believe him because you don’t believe it yourself. Maybe you want to hear that he does watch it because that is more believable to you, and finally it is an answer that you can settle with. Either way, it is looking for reassurance. The first step is being compassionate with yourself and saying “it is okay to be insecure.” Every person on this planet is insecure! The reason I question my boyfriend so much is because I’M insecure I am not good enough for him so he lies that he loves me. Once you start working on being nicer to yourself, things will get easier. I know self-esteem is hard to gain, but for now just try telling yourself it is okay to feel these things. It is okay to be afraid of change, it is okay to be insecure, it is okay to not be perfect. This is being compassionate with yourself. My other advice is to stop looking for reassurance. It will not be possible to completely stop overnight, but instead of asking if him the second you have worries, try the S.T.O.P method. S- stop what your doing, either talking with your boyfriend, watching television, etc. T- take a breath and focus on your breathing, this helps get you out of your head. O- observe what is happening within you, once you start to calm down, think about what triggered it or how you are feeling now. P- proceed with what you were doing. The most harmful thing you can do if give yourself reassurance. This means going through his history to find reassurance, asking him to reassure you, googling things to reassure you. That isn’t only hurting you. It provides temporary relief, so when you start to worry again you keep repeating the process. But it isn’t healthy, trust me. This is what makes OCD so hard, is not searching for comfort. I know this is super long and I am sorry, I just really identified with what you said. The last thing is I can say is that OCD hates change and the uncertainty. I think that is why this spiked up in you so much, especially since you just went back to work. The change made it worse again. But there is nothing we can do about change and the unknown, which is why I really think it is important for you to work on this. Since I started following these guidelines, my life/OCD has gotten a million times better. Do I still have these thoughts and do I still let them in from time to time? Yes! Because it is so hard (maybe even impossible) to do these things all the time. Some days I do not have the energy to fight it so much, but that is okay. Because I am human, and I am going to be compassionate about myself. I hope you can feel that way too. Countering these thoughts is going to be very hard, but if you truly want it stop, it is worth it!
I just want to say thank you so much for putting this so articulately. It was so reassuring and calming for me as someone experiencing all of these intrusive thoughts and ruminating on this topic
Hello! Ok I did take the time to read all of this. As an outside observer I notice a few things from the information given. 1. You state that you have an addiction to porn. From what is said here I feel like OCD has latched onto that and maybe you think everyone has an addiction to porn. I'd also be curious if there was some moral scrupulosity OCD in the mix and if you feel guilty or bad for watching porn. 2. Something is driving you to dig dig dig for information and then when you get the information you do not trust it.... You guessed it... Sounds like big ol fat OCD mixed with a little bit of needing control and doubting. I would suggest ERP! 2 exposures come to mind. But first I would tell my partner I have OCD and some of it is around PORN so when I ask you if I have watched porn you can tell me one of 2 things. Maybe I have and maybe I haven't or you can say either yes or no. And If I ask you again you give me the same answer and that is all. This allows you to not get reassurance and to have to sit with the uncertainty of maybe they did or maybe they didn't. So, 1 exposure would be to ask them, get there response and accept it. Refrain from asking again and sit with your discomfort, anxiety, doubt, etc. By sitting I don't mean to just sit... ask, recieve the answer and then go about your day. Wash the dishes, go to the grocery store, do what ever you need to be doing AND allow all of that anxiety to be there with out doing compulsions... which is you asking again and demanding, etc. A big part of this is also acceptance. Accepting that you can ask any question, receive any answer and it may or may not be a lie.... 2nd exposure would be a script that you read. Write out something that relates to this and read it over and over. Set a 10 minute time, check in with yourself every 2 minutes, rate your anxiety and keep reading till the timer ends. Then let the rest of the anxiety stay and work its way down as you continue on with your day. Ex. of a script might be: When I ask John if he has watched porn he may or may not tell me the truth. I accept that uncertainty and will take his answer and will move on with my day...but really make it your own and add in what is going on in real life. I would also suggest writing down the compulsions you are doing around this prior so that you are aware to not do them. Rumination is probably part of this and when you ruminate or the thoughts start popping in your head just acknowledge that they are there and return back to your present day... don't engage and try to figure them out... just let them be, let the anxiety be and move on with your day. I know that is a lot but this really all comes down to just doing some ERP so you can find freedom from this.
Hi both, first of all, thanks for much for taking the time to read and reply so thoughtfully. It makes me feel better to know I'm not just crazy and alone in this experience. I have talked to my partner about the ocd and how it makes me feel but I think he struggles to understand it when I'm asking a million questions at a million miles an hour. Really thank you thank you thank you so much for the suggestions. It feels unmanageable at times. You're definitely right about the reassurance seeking, I am okay with it, within reason, but it definitely makes me feel more insecure. But it's the lies I get latched on to. I've tried to sit with it before, it's not good. I guess I haven't stuck with it enough. I just get so so so so frightened that one day in 10 years from me if I get married and have kids, I'm gonna find out he's been lying to me, and maybe if I had just asked that next time, he will admit something, get caught out and I can push him away. If I don't ask I convince myself that if I don't ask then it's going to encourage him to do something bad. I know really that asking and asking is probably going to push him away, but it feels safer to ask and ask and ask and ask and ask, in case he admits to lying and hurting me, so I don't get stuck in the future. It's hard to explain... I wish I could be vulnerable but honestly, it feels unachievable with the constant questioning and rumination on what's right/wrong/acceptable in a relationship/what others would do. Thanks again for your responses, I can't tell you how much it is appreciated
Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.
Hi all, I'm new here and I guess self diagnosed or unsure of if I have HOCD. So I'd just like to get my story out there and just see if it's relatable at all or if I'm just denying my feelings, if anyone can respond..(sorry for a long one) It's been causing me a lot of stress lately and it can't shake the constant loop of thoughts like "Am I a lesbian", "you're not boy crazy so you must not be attracted to men", " you fit these stereotypes so that must mean you are". It all started when I was young like 13/14 when I had watched lesbian porn online accidentally at first and then I had watched a few more because it was the first time I had watched porn at all, let alone same sex porn. So I guess I was curious at the time and like you read "sexual things can cause a sexual response". So I was fine with what I watched but then like a few years later it was like, you watched that video and had a sexual response that must mean you liked it and want to be in that type of relationship. And that really stuck in my head. I began thinking about how I've never had a boyfriend and never felt like my friends when they would be drooling over boys, but I just assumed that having a boyfriends was something I'd get when I was older and like ready. Like I did have crushes, but also had low self esteem and just assumed that no guy would ever like me. Additionally I don't think I've ever looked at another girl and felt attracted to them or the need to be with them. But then reading things online caused me to doubt that. Anyways the thoughts come and go and sometimes I'm able to tune them out for months or years, but recently I have been really stressed about them. I currently have a boyfriend and I enjoy spending time and being with him. But these thoughts have been causing a lot of anxiety with respect to my relationship because then I think am I just dating him to his my feelings,I'm just stringing him along and using him. But I know that I don't want to break up. I find that I am searching stuff online a lot to try and find an answer, and then reading all those things makes me compare myself. Like the stereotypes and things I put to myself like oh I like playing sports that's a masculine thing, and how I dress and I don't find myself pretty or dainty so that must mean I'm not girly. It's a thought overload and making me so anxious because I feel like I don't know myself anymore and that I fear I've been lying to everyone if I figure out that I'm not straight. and like even if I thought I was bisexual that would be okay because that doesn't completely eliminate dating men, and I could still only date men. But being completely on the other end of the spectrum would feel like I'd have to completely shift my thoughts to fit and make these looped thoughts go away. I guess all I want to know is if this is normal or if it's ocd at all, am I just lying to myself or trying to hide my true self because I'm afraid of the consequence?? And I know that reassurance seeking which I shouldn't do hahah but this is my first time seeking ocd help and I may not get a therapist soon because of where I live.
I'm not sure where to confide to talk about this as this is a current stressor. I've been dealing with constant worrying and intrusive thoughts for months, rumination, checking, etc now.The current one started to gradually develop in the past few weeks, where I fear checking out other guys. I'm in a relationship with an amazing and beautiful guy, and both of us are very loyal. He's very big on loyalty and checking out people, and I never did at all, and I still don't. However it became a constant worry of "do I check people out? What if I check someone out?? Will I do that?" And I notice it begin to actively obsessively tru and avoid something I already don't do to make sure I don't it. So now i began to get the intrusive thought question of "does that guy look good, I bet you find him attractive and you don't want to admit it, I bet you think he looks better, what if I look even though I know I won't cause I have no interest". I begin to feel nauseous or uncomfortable with even acknowledging a random guy's presence, and even if I glance at them as I often do with strangers (not out of attractiveness, just observing people) I get this rush of fear as I worry of "did I just check this person out??" It was mild at first, then I noticed because I started having the thought and fear so much my brain was already used to it where I could look at a guy and my brain auto registered the intrusive thought for it without it no longer showing up. So I now get the rush of anxiety and nauseous feeling. I blocked a friend I knew since middle school cause he posted shirtless pics and I never been attracted to them or found them hot (still don't, my brain just messes with me) but for the sake of not triggering my anxiety I blocked him. It got worse this week, where I stare at a guy that triggered that anxious response out of making sure I don't find them attractive. I feel the impulse to look at them after I look away in fear of never confirming that I wasn't attracted to them, cause I'm afraid to be left with the "was I? Why did I look? Am I checking people out? Am I horrible??" Looking leaves me distressed and sick. School started and this happening a bit more, and in general with guys too. For example I wouldn't bat an eye to the guys I knew from last year or a celeb, but now I'm forcing myself to stare at them and analyze them to make sure I don't find them attractive, even though I never did. I cry a lot cause of it, feel unwell, sad, guilty as if I do this with the intent to legit check them out even though I don't. It branched out into random small anxiety about "what if I am being unloyal now?? Does my boyfriend look good??" But this type of one doesn't get the chance to worry me like the reast cause it quickly goes away cause I'm immediately reminded with how beautiful he is inside and out. haven't mentioned this intrusive thought to my boyfriend compared to others I've shared as I don't know how to word it best to not worry him yet. I love him, and I hate when I get the intrusive question of "does he look better, you're getting anxious to answer that means your prefer the other person". It feels pretty up there with second in line with my brief POCD being first. I don't want the guys to think at school I'm checking them out or I have a thing for them, or for people to think I'm trying to chest on my bf. It's hard to explain the auto repsonse I get of anxiety and checking by looking at them. But I know it's just my brain and anxiety trying to mess with me, but can't help but worry often especially cause something like this means a lot to me and him. I used to be able to say "oh looks decent/not bad" when I saw a celeb, or friend, or once in a blue moon any strangers. I didn't think much about this way, since my boyfriend said in a way he does the same (not in a "oh he's hot/attractive" way but a "you don't look bad, but you can't be considered good because my boyfriend immediately takes that spot". Even typing this I get the intrusive worry of "what if I'm lying what if I'm not being honest what if I'm forcing myself", even though my boyfriend is the most glorious guy to ever lay eyes on. I stared at his photos in awe and taking in how gorgeous he is to me all the time (one point I went through my entire photo album of him in amazement- I still do this, I did this today seeing him). I notice I can only effortlessly do this without worry when I'm in a good mood. I know I haven't lost attraction to him one bit, but this intrusive has been bothering me for some weeks as it quite distressing to acknowledge another guy forcefully out of anxiety. As with other random intrusive thoughts I have, they die out eventually but probably will come back. I love my boyfriend, when my friends talk about how other guys are, I don't respond as it's not in me to do that and still isn't. Out of anxiety it's just never been a thing for me. In anxiety, it became so stressful to deal with.
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