This has been plaguing me for 12 years and I can't figure it out. Never posted on one of these so hoping not to be let down. Before I start, this topic is not about whether porn is acceptable in relationships or not, or whether women are crazy for feeling insecure etc. I understand its different for everyone and its a common issue. This is about my mental health. I have trauma from childhood, something I've only just realised since starting on and off therapy sessions about 3 years ago. So do lots of people I know... My boyfriend is 29, we've been together 6 years. We are and have been stuck in a cycle for years, again on and off. My self esteem is very very low, but in some aspects like my career and within friendship groups I'm very confident/bubbly. When it comes to people getting close to me in a relationship I am not. I can be needy, anxious and obsessive. I was diagnosed with OCD intrusive thoughts when I was 16, 12 years ago. And later in life, recently, my therapist says you could see my questioning as a form of ocd. I have a real obsession with pornography. My own use has sometimes been obsessive and had a negative impact on me, but not so recently, it comes and goesin waves. But since my first relationship at 17 its something I have obsessively asked partners about their use. All 3 lied. At 20 I found out my dad had posted videos of my mum on a porn site and been selling her underwear without her knowing. So I seem to have a very mixed up view on how to feel about it. On the one hand I think it's normal to want to look at that, and doesn't define how someone feels about you, I feel okay with it if it's not an unhealthy amount of watching/affecting your sex life. On the other hand, I get the urge to ask and need to know, if I try to push past the urge to ask I become angry, distant and full of hatred towards my partner. If I do ask, if I get the answer no I haven't watched, I say "you're lying" and question and question every little instance. It gets so bad I say things like "I know that's a lie though because there was toilet paper in your dressing gown pocket" to which he says he had a cold or something. I will then proceed to Google things like "toilet paper in boyfriends dressing gown pocket meaning" as you can imagine, when even google comes back with nothing, I still don't snap out of it. My partner admits to using porn every so often, but says he hasn't much since the lockdown and ive been working from home. I don't believe that, he used to lie about it (this was years ago) and say he never watched it. I found proof, he tried to deny then talked to me about how he felt a lot of pressure because I question every hour. Which I understand, but I can't seem to stop. After that I went to therapy for the first time as an adult. Addressed childhood trauma and my confidence improved, so I didn't feel the need to ask as much, as when I did he would sometimes say yes I have watched it, or if he said no I would sometimes accept that. Other times, which is the majority.... I have FRANTIC thoughts, I demand to look through his history, downloads, then to say "you've just deleted it". It spirals and spirals for hours, he doesn't change his mind, I try every manipulation tactic I can think of to get him to tell me the truth. Because the only time I seem to feel peace in my head is when I ask and I hear the words "yes I have watched it today". I can't explain the feeling this gives me but its a sense of calm, for a day or so. Then Im right back at it the next day. He says sometimes he struggles to talk to me about my day because I seem distant with him. Its true, I don't really care what he has to say, cos all I want to know is whether he's watched porn or not. And now I'm back at work, it's even worse. The reality is, he probably is lying about the frequency of his porn use. He feels its a private thing and I shoildnt need to know, but tells me sometimes to keep me happy I reckon???? Ive lied about frequency of use for me before too. And I also think I would if my partner was so obsessive like I am. I don't know what to do, or how to break the cycle. It's killing anything we may have left to salvage, if anything. But I did the same to my other 2 partners too. Same topic. I also obsess over things like, am I actually a lesbian? Does he like the way I look? But with this, because it's so secretive, I'm so so so frightened one day I'm gonna wake up in my 50s to some creepo who watches porn 3 times a day and looks and young girls. When in reality he's far from that, poor guy doesn't even have social media. Just the occasional (maybe regularly I dunno) human urge to do his business. Has anyone else suffered with this? It's such a stupid insignifant topic but its causing real pain for both of us.

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?