- Date posted
- 6y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yes. Retroactive jealousy should be placed in the category of ROCD, because that’s exactly what it is. It’s a relationship problem within yourself. I suffer from this. But I technically know how to handle it now, it’s being able to accept and have compassion for your partners past and your past; it’s having the confidence to realise that bonds were made with your partners family and his/her ex partner. Ex partners are different from you, each person is unique and different. When entering a new relationship people suffer from jealousy about ex partners, if the particular ex in question was, funny, good looking, caring, etc... on and on. Families mention your partners ex and your partner will bring up the ex. It’s life. ROCD makes it difficult for you to live with the uncertainty of not knowing what was before you met your partner now, it’s truly difficult and extremely debilitating; trust me, I know. I go through spikes regarding this every so often, but I can control it even though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. I can appreciate that it is not nice knowing your partner has had good times with someone else, but it is part of life. You go through partners in life until you come across someone you settle with, and you may settle with a few people until the flame burns out. But it’s important to keep the flame lit and work on the relationship. Here’s an example of something I suffer from: My partner was with her ex for four years before she met me, so they’ll have a had a fair few good moments together... But, it’s not the moments that bother me—my OCD demands I should know what kind of personality he had, was he full of humour, etc... it’s horrible if I allow it to prod me and seek reassurance from my girlfriend about it. But it doesn’t seem to be how my girlfriend perceives the humour, my OCD makes me want to ask the people around her if her ex was funny and what exactly was he like. It’s a treaturous torment to endure. I meditate to help me, and it works.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
Maybe the best thing to do is to show him your post, explain to him that it's intrusive thoughts that you don't want, and that you're seeking help.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I have Retrospective Jealousy OCD. It started around 30 years ago when I met my now wife. I struggled with the thoughts about her past not knowing what was happening and when they first came on the pain was unbearable and I tried to kill myself. I then had years of going to therapists that were useless as they failed to realise it was OCD. Four years ago I finally was diagnosed and with the help of a great psychotherapist I have been doing ERP and at last things have improved. Before that I was totally at its mercy and I would get so angry and upset with my wife it was awful. Luckily we are still together. I would like to connect with others with this type of OCD to hopefully provide some support and understanding whether you have not yet been diagnosed or you are or are due to begin ERP . ERP was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If years ago I had known other people with this OCD who knew what the diagnosis is and how to treat it it would have saved years of pain and suffering.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
What techniques did you do to overcome this?
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Exposure Response Therapy is the gold standard to get this under control. You need to find a therapist who you trust and who makes you believe in the treatment. You are basically exposed to all the content of your disturbing thoughts and gradually you are able to reduce the anxiety associated with those thoughts. It is very much tailored to the thoughts you have. In my case I found articles on the internet that would be big triggers for me. It is not a quick process but slowly you become less anxious about all the thoughts/triggers. You are then in a better position to treat the thoughts as simply thoughts that come and go in your mind without engaging with them. It is the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life but it is the only thing that has helped. The key is to accept that you can’t stop the thoughts popping up in your mind but you know how to deal with them without engaging/ ruminating. It is something you need to work at. It is not 100% perfect but it has massively reduced the OCD flare ups I had before. I posted to help people to know what the right treatment is and to provide support as you definitely need support through the ERP. I am supporting someone I met in a different forum and I am keen to help anyone with this type of OCD. I had to wait 25 years before I found someone who could help me and I don’t want anyone else to suffer so long.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
thank you so much! I really appreciate it!
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Anonymous Sorry if this is too late, I got my RJ under control two year ago. I did this by not acting on the thoughts, and under a month it dissipated. It was relief, instant relief to be honest when I figured out how to rid of it. Exposure therapy may work, sure it will, but for me it was not acting on the thought, simple as that. If you need anymore advice, let me know.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Mr JRS How did you make yourself stop? I want to ask 24/7 and it causes me great anxiety. I feel like I’m too stubborn to just stop.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
I experience this too. I just thought it was the result of insecurities and jealousy, which seemes only a partial explanation because I didn't always feel this way, and the feelings weren't always so persistent. Idk if it's a part of ROCD, but it seems obsessive for me.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
Same here, but i've carried that part of my ocd in the shadows...my boyfriend doesn't know i have retroactive jealous. I understand how you feel! ??
- Date posted
- 6y ago
Right. Even when it’s not relevant, I’ll just obsess over it and dig those thoughts deeper into my brain. But it’s hurting my partner and I can’t stop. he needs to know if we can let the past be the past and even tho he is right, I don’t feel strong enough or secure enough to promise that ??? But if I can’t promise that I’ll lose him forever
- Date posted
- 6y ago
That’s true. I haven’t told him about ROCD in particular. Just general things about struggling with my mental health and depression
Related posts
- Date posted
- 18w ago
I’ve just recently found out that Relationship OCD is a thing. I feel like I relate but it also feels like relationship trauma. I’m in a fairly new relationship and I keep telling myself that things are going great, we are good, he cares for me, but does he? There’s this unbelievable amount of self doubt that sits in me because of what my ex did to me many months ago. I kept getting told that I do too much, i smother, need constant reassurance, then got told that I don’t care enough, the things I do aren’t enough and that I’m not enough. I feel like I am waiting for the day that I get broken up with because of these “problems” just so I can be proven right at the fact that I should be considered unlovable. I go through this every month around my period because I get so emotional and nervous that I stress over the idea that he doesn’t like me. How does someone continue a relationship with Relationship OCD? How do I explain it?
- Date posted
- 11w ago
Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?
- Date posted
- 11w ago
I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?
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