- Username
- Iann
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I’m with ya brother. I am madly in love with my girlfriend and still have random thoughts of what if I’m gay and just have a gf cos I don’t want to be gay? Hardcore doubt and guilt all the time. Sometimes especially when we’re away from each other (were semi long distance), I question whether or not I really do love her or if I could actually be gay and just not know it or not want to accept it. Every time we see each other though I know what’s real and I feel so happy to be with the girl that I love. It’s such a scary battle especially cos it’s you versus yourself and if you feel like you can’t trust yourself even, it’s pretty overwhelming.
We all need wine
Holy shit, I relate so much with this. 100% this has helped me so much.
Lots of it
This is everything that’s going on with me. I too feel so confused I don’t know if I like this or not? It’s just like that every single thoughts my ocd gave me I used to be able to say “no”. Now I don’t even know if it’s what I like. I don’t even know what’s real or not either. I too feel sometimes that it is what I want and I am just hiding it, but after that I panic a little so that makes me realize “well this can be ocd”. Every single girl I see I am like “she’s pretty” and my head is also like “you’re attracted to her” but I genuinely don’t know. It happens to me with all of them too, even old ladies. I also have no ocd specialists in my area, so I also have not been diagnosed. And like you, I suffered from a different type before this. The only small difference would be that i don’t think anyone in my family has ocd. You know what’s even more crazy? Mine also started in February! We literally have the same symptoms. And I know it’s hard to believe that sometimes unless someone lists them so I decided to do that to make you not feel alone and that someone else also goes through this too. Remember it’s always ocd.
*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.
This feels weird. I feel like I’m gay, and when I “accept” My thoughts I don’t feel good or pleasure, just this weight on my chest. Like my mind says “okay you’re gay see” but when I think of me in gay scenarios I feel no pleasure at all. Yet I lost my attraction to women. My mind still says I’m gay though I feel nothing towards men. But it appears my attraction to women disappeared as well. What is this? Why did I used to have extremely mad anxiety over gay thoughts and now that I finally faced my thoughts I feel nothing as well? Like seriously what is this. I used to be girl crazy like to another level. Now I’m not attracted to women at all apparently but when I “accept” my thoughts and say ok I’m gay, I feel nothing towards men either. Is this still ocd? And why when I do have anxiety with gay thoughts it seems like I AM attracted to men. I don’t understand this. Do any of you have any experience and share some insight?
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
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