I dont know what to do really

I am in a relationship, 3 years and 4 months today. I love her so much but i did alot of bad things to her in the first year of our relationship maybe even a little longer. It finally came out that i cheated on her. So then i began thinking of everything i did wrong and would have to confess to her even thoughts or dreams and if that didnt work sometimes i couldn’t remember if i did something and if i couldn’t remember then i just assumed i did it or if i had a slight feeling i did something then i assumed i did.i just want it to stop. I want to feel like a normal human being who can just let things go or just not think weird gross things in general.I want to be happy but obviously the things i can think or dream can hurt her feelings and i dont want to lie. I dont know what to do.

SophieL

Date posted: 3y

I’ve been in a similar position with my husband. I didn’t cheat but I was disloyal to him, and it could have ended in cheating eventually. He knows what happened and we moved past it… but when ocd kicks in I worry that ‘what if I sugarcoated it?’ and ‘he doesn’t know the real me!’ etc. It’s torturous and the compulsion to confess can be unbearable. It’s really helped me to write down some values about the person I want to be. Also every time I have the urge to confess, to think about how I want our future to be and how much I love him. It makes me realise we can’t move forward if I keep taking us back to the past. Try resisting confessing and put your attention elsewhere… enjoy the moment with your GF and think about your future! It might be so tough but it will eventually pass. The OCD will thrive if you keep confessing/ruminating! You made a mistake, but we all do. You deserve to move forward and be happy x

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

I’m the kind of person that will never ever lie to my boyfriend. I can say never ever because my OCD keeps me from lying to him. If I don’t tell the whole truth, i get super triggered. That being said, I don’t confess every thought and feeling I have to him like I did a year ago. I learned not to trust the scary thoughts and feelings, and I learned that confessing all of them was hurting our relationship and him. I began to realize my little confessions were not nearly as important as I was convinced they were. Again, I never lie to him, but I’ve learned to balance telling him everything with recognizing when I’m telling him something for my benefit instead of his. If my main purpose of telling him something upsetting is to relieve my anxiety, at the expense of making him uncomfortable, then maybe I shouldn’t tell him. And I’m not talking keeping things from him, I’m talking about the things that get stuck in my brain that I think he MUST know even though it probably isn’t important. The last bit of this, I just want to say that my boyfriend is also extremely understanding of OCD and knows a lot about it, so he can typically tell when I’m telling him something compulsively. He is also able to identify which comments of mine are from OCD rather than from actually being based in reality, so my crazy thoughts don’t freak him out. He understands that these thoughts are probably definitely more distressing to me than they are to him, because I don’t want them to be true and I’m scared that they are. He and I always find the truth of my thoughts in how upset I get about them. If I’m sobbing because I might be in love with my friend, it’s probably not a true thought. Maybe you could talk to your girlfriend about these thoughts in about OCD if you haven’t already just to make sure that she’s on the same page as you and so that she knows that she doesn’t have to take all of these thoughts seriously. I know there was a period in the past where some trust may have been lacking between you guys, but you’re a changed person it sounds so if she doesn’t understand OCD or you haven’t talk to her about it maybe start there!

Anonnnnnm

Date posted: 22w

Please help (ROCD)!

I have been battling ocd for over a year now and it likes to switch themes. Currently, it’s attacking my relationship with my girlfriend who I’ve been with since I was in high school over 10 years ago. It first began as an intense feeling that I have to leave or break up with her over dumb little things. Then it changed into a lot of guilt for having any thought about another girl. And the worse is feeling this intense guilt for past things I’ve done in the past while in this relationship. We were so young and I was teenager, but I often found myself watching porn, fantasizing about real other people in my life, and getting off to other girls that I may have known. When I was younger I didn’t think it was bad and that it was just a normal teen boy thing, but 10 years later I have so much guilt about it. And yes I’m with the same girl now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I know I love this girl and I’m ready to propose to her soon. Anyway, these past mistakes I did when I was younger make me feel like a cheater and I can’t stop ruminating about it. I feel like I have to admit every detail and person I’ve ever had a bad thought about. I feel like if I propose to her and don’t tell her everything, that I’m a lair and didn’t give her the full picture. And the other day one of the girls I thought was hot when I was younger, came up in convo and I just went downhill. Now she knows I deal with OCD and she is very supportive, I’ve told her before that I did some bad things, but never all the details. And that’s all my brain keeps telling me to do. I have so much tightness in my chest and just want to be able to breathe again. But everyone says to not admit or it’ll reinforce the cycle, I’m just not sure how everyone else does that. And at the same time, maybe I am a cheater and just simply a bad person. Idk! I never cheated physically or anything like that, but my past mistakes feel like I did. But again I may just be a bad person! Please if anyone has advice or is dealing with similar things, I’d appreciate the help!

Relationship OCD

crybaby

Date posted: 16w

Advice please!!

I will be straight forward and honest. I have cheated in the past. My last relationship was long term, and I had begged and begged for him to change and in the end he never did. I don’t know why I cheated. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself for why I did. I messed up. The cheating was online, it was never in person. But now, I’m in a new relationship. And he’s everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend, husband, and best friend. I want this man to be with me the rest of our lives, and I want to see him help raise our future children. But I can’t help but feel such immense guilt, because although I have never cheated on him, his ex had cheated on him. And I truly don’t understand how or why she would…but that’s not my place to comment on. Such a big part of me wants to tell him, and tell him that that’s not me anymore, and I know that we will communicate healthily and openly, unlike my last relationship, which he never wanted to. Not only this, my brain just won’t. stop. thinking…about how I had cheated. I regret doing what I had done, I don’t WANT to cheat anymore, or ever again. Especially with the love of my life I have now. But I’m scared of what do I do if I have a compulsion, or anything revolving around cheating. I want to tell him about it, but I know I shouldn’t, and can’t really tell him as it’s complicated, and I know I would only make things worse. I feel like such a terrible person, and girlfriend, for what I have done and what I’m worried about ‘if I do’, even though I don’t want to. I want to be better, I want to grow. Any advice please would be amazing.

DannyO507

Date posted: 12w

I need help dealing with this

I have been really really struggling for the past 3 months and haven’t been able to stop intrusive thoughts/ rumination and confessing. It’s making me question my entire life, my relationship and even who I am as a person. It’s mainly effecting my relationship, I am so afraid that I did something or think things that are definitely hurtful to my partner. I know my brain is contorting my own memory and making things seem so much worse. I also know I haven’t done anything bad, all my things I’ve confessed about have been considered “normal” and I’ve been told that “you’re normal, you didn’t do anything wrong”. But I have felt this intense sense of guilt and shame and it doesn’t go away, I can’t even be a normal person anymore. And I keep searching for “just one more thing I need to tell” and I don’t want to keep searching my brain of every time I’ve said or done anything that I can distort and make seem 1000% worse. I’m isolating myself and just feel like I’m a bad person. I keep confessing my thoughts, feeling, urges, etc. to my partner and while I know I would never do any of these I feel like my ocd is trying to convince me that maybe I would because “why else would you think it or feel guilty” and that makes it so much worse. I really need guidance on how to handle this. What do I do to stop feeling like this and heal?

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I dont know what to do really

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