SOCD (and what helped me)

I haven’t been diagnosed but reading about SOCD changed my perspective on myself, and helped me realize my current theme struggle. I know self diagnosis can be frowned upon, but it’s just so obvious and helped me come to terms with the current theme I’m running with but that’s beside the point. I realized I was gay when I was 16. This was such a stressful event for me and triggered an at least 1.5 year shut down. When I finally came out at 19, there was a big relief but something else changed. I started to think, what if I’m actually not and I just lied to everyone and made the biggest mistake of my life? From then on until last year when I was 25, I was completely obsessed with analyzing my sexuality. I would talk out loud to myself for hours a day comparing the attractions I felt (or didn’t feel) and reassure myself I am in fact gay. I would convince myself that to be gay, I have to be attracted to pretty much any man. I would force myself to view any man who entered my life in a sexual or romantic way otherwise this can’t be true. Any time I made a friend who was a woman, I would have obsessive thoughts about “what if I’m in love with them” and fear I was lying about my sexuality to get closer to women. I would compulsively find character flaws in these women and end up ruining my friendships because it was better than the prospect that I was taking advantage of them in some way. I would constantly obsess over the “odds” of being gay and why was I “chosen”, and think I must be bi or straight. I would also fixate on the aspects of my personality, appearance, voice, mannerisms etc to appear “gayer” and this made it even worse and really made me feel like I was faking it all. I rationalized it the entire time as a case of extreme internalized homophobia. But looking back it wasn’t at all; I was afraid that I wasn’t gay, not that I wanted to be straight or bi. So what helped? I really broke down my fears and why this was bugging me so much. What was I so afraid of if I was actually bi or straight? What would happen if I had to “come out” again and how would that affect my life or others? I realized that all my trauma from it stemmed from the original event of not fully knowing myself, and feeling as though I faked who I was for 16 years. The lack of certainty was intolerable (which is why I think this is such a prevalent OCD theme). There’s no certainty for anyone in this matter. Furthermore, I already had this same event happen. My family and friends perception of me had changed already from coming out at 19, and they were still in my life. No one felt lied to or taken advantage of. If I had to “come out” again, there would be confusion amongst people around me, but ultimately I would be okay and move on. Basically, my “biggest fear” had already happened, and I was still alive and still supported, so there’s no use in fearing it Since that time, my attraction to men has felt so genuine and my brain doesn’t even look at women in a sexual or romantic way 99.9% of the time. In that area, I’m completely comfortable and anxiety free. Intrusive thoughts occasionally happen, but it’s easy to write it off. I’m not cured of OCD by any means. I’ve moved on to a different theme that’s equally debilitating. But this theme I am done with, and wanted to share in hopes that any sentiment here could start a path of recovery for anyone struggling with this theme as those six years were the most stressful of my life and I felt so alone/without support. The one thing certain about sexuality is that no one can be 100% certain, and being uncertain in this area is a universal experience, and does not suggest that you are lying or taking advantage of others just because you have some random thoughts that don’t match with how you identify yourself

Anon11230

Date posted: 3y

Maybe im not gay 😂 im so confused now

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@Anon11230 Same with me I’ve always liked girls. Always had girlfriends I would love to get into relationships, I would fantasise about the hot girls in my year at school. I have a type.. my whole life I didn’t even question it once not even for a second, and one day after a very stressful period of my life. I was walking down the street and I saw a good looking dude (we can all recognise a good looking man even without being gay) and I started getting these questions man…. “What if I’m gay” but they felt ego-dystonic they caused anxiety and discomfort and and eventually they disappeared for about a month then they came back and since then they haven’t left and I haven’t felt attraction like I used to in a while about 1-3 months it’s rough. They thoughts don’t even cause anxiety anymore which sometimes causes them to be scarier. And feel really real. Sometimes I’m convinced but then something tells me nah then when I’m not something tells me yes. I wouldn’t wish ocd on my worst enemy if hell is even 1 percent of what I’m experiencing it’s messed up

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

How did you know you were gay, did you have any signs before? Did the thoughts distress you or something.

Anonymous122

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous After puberty I became attracted to my best friend, who was male. I would check out guys all the time. Honestly it was rather obvious, but my realization was delayed by societal homophobia. It was deep denial, rather than distressing what if scenarios. There was no need to “test” like I would compulsively do with women once the socd developed, it was just simply there and obvious. Metaphorically, it was like I was playing baseball my whole childhood, and was trying to convince everyone I was actually playing basketball. When it flipped to “what if I’m straight”, it was like I was still playing baseball but was worried that I was wrong and actually playing basketball the whole time, when I was still clearly playing baseball

Anon11230

Date posted: 3y

What would you say deep denial was like ? I’m wondering if I’m in deep denial also

Anonymous122

Date posted: 3y

@Anon11230 I was certain the attraction was there, but I would come up with nonsense reasons as to why. Maybe it’s just an effect of puberty and hormonal confusion. Maybe it’s temporary and it will go away. (At the time) maybe it’s just because I’m a teenager and sex is just on our minds and the attraction to women will come later. It’s hard to explain in any other way than just it was incredibly obvious and undeniable, but because I was scared of the reality of being gay, I would try to change it and force myself to be attracted to women. So the “realization” so to speak was more actually accepting the reality of what was before me, not stressing over the uncertainty of “what if” that straight people with socd struggle with And not to be TMI, but I was doing that thing we do in private exclusively to men and never women even once from puberty onset until my realization (like a 4 year span) and before that I wouldn’t even entertain the notion that I was bi, let alone gay. That’s the difference between denial and obsessive thinking

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@Db122 I have never thought guys was attractive but my mind only keeps on obsessively think about it during HOCD. When I don’t have it, everything disappear and all attraction to girls come back. This just makes me confused, because all I question myself is what if, and how the future would look like and stuff like that.

Anonymous122

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous Sexuality is a complex thing. But to me, and probably most other gay men out there, me being gay is as directly observable as my hair being black. It’s been that way since puberty. Childhood was stuff like all my guy friends prodding me about what girl I liked, and me not even realizing that thing was a thing that was going on for guys my age, so just making up some random girl in our grade on the spot. Me not realizing who the “hot” female celebrities are and trying to find what I’m missing. It sounds like you’re more anxious what “what would happen if I am gay” rather than having real attraction to men. My advice would be to really dive into it in your brain. Rather than act on compulsions and analyzing to try to find some conclusive answer if you or are or not, really consider the possibility that you might be. What would that look like for you? What possibilities are you afraid of? And once you figure that out, work to come to terms with that possibility that some of those fears may come true. Odds are you aren’t gay. But there’s no certainty to that, so you have to mentally work and figure out what deeper fears are lying under the surface of your ocd that’s just manifesting as obsession and intrusive gay thoughts. You might be afraid of societal rejection, you might be afraid of financial cutoff. Being “othered” by people. A whole number of things. The only way forward is to figure that out, and prepare yourself for the possibility of any of those things happening. It’s scary and beyond distressing but it’s necessary

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@Db122 I get what you’re saying, but still when I was very little I knew I liked girls, had an stereotype of girls that I thought was very beautiful and stuff like that. I never had a thought of being gay, it all popped up while watching porn. I’m a deep overthinking person, and when I’m HOCD free I can laugh about how fucking stupid these thoughts are. But then when I relapse it all begins on square one again. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do since it always comes back.

Anonymous122

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous I feel you man. OCD sucks. It amazes me that everyone has these intrusive thoughts and are able to just go “meh” and move on with their day. I envy it

lizzie11811

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous122 I am so confused as my therapist said Hocd means someone isn’t gay so do we have to accept the possibility we are

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 25w

People with SO-OCD please view🙏🏼

So my ocd theme changed to sexual orientation ocd last December after I heard a popular video "hi, I'm Gibby" and I went like the Gibby sounds like "gay", then I started saying the phrase and over days, I started getting intrusive thoughts "I'm gay" .(I have had other ocd themes: (magical thinking ocd, symmetry ocd, health concern ocd, religious and spirituality ocd and harm ocd ever since I was 12, they just come and go)....I struggle with other conditions(ASD and bipolar disorder). I have never struggled with sexuality or questioned it because I have only liked males right from when I was in grade 1🥲...I still like them. SO-OCD is very frustrating because deep down I know I'm straight and there's no evidence I'm not but the intrusive thoughts and compulsions to get relief (the cycle) won't stop. I'm on fluoxetine(Prozac) and it did help my symptoms but lately I realised I'm more consumed with compulsions and idk but I think it's reducing the effects of the drugs?.. I see an attractive female and my mind goes like you found her attractive you must be gay or I want to go out and do sumn"what if you discover you like them or are gay" ...idk it's frustrating, very and I'm tired. I don't even get turned on by same sex or any😭that what even makes it more confusing.+ It's almost like I'm now hypervigilant when Watching videos or Instagram reels...it making me forget that finding someone physically attractive≠sexual attraction...idk if anyone gets me...(Rn my ocd themes are SO-OCD and religious and spirituality ocd) SO-OCD is frustrating, I'm tireddd...how can I never have struggled with sexuality for almost a decade and half but I'm having it now(it's started two months ago)...who has had/have this theme??

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 22w

My experience with SO-OCD

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

Sexual Orientation OCD

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 21w

Some things that are making me feel alone

Here are some things that make me feel alone and isolated in my journey with sexual orientation OCD: 1. This feels like a complete identity crisis. I think that is what makes it so hard. It seems to go against everything I believe myself to be and who I always have identified as. 2. My compulsions, thoughts, triggers, and everything else that comes along with this disease feels and seems like I’m the only one that struggles with those things. My thoughts and images in my head often seems so real that it can only be me in denial. 3. Because this sub type of OCD is so sexual in nature, it has made my sex life with my husband, a really hard situation. Because I always get afraid and sex that I will think of these thoughts, I subconsciously then think of those thoughts, and if I have any type of feeling associated with those thoughts, it feels like proof that those thoughts are real and that makes it even harder. 4. Because a lot of the pleasure that comes with sex is on hot for me while I’m figuring out in this journey with OCD, my mind has convinced me that it is because I will only feel those things if I were with someone at the same sex (I am a straight female. I have a fear of being homosexual.). Well, all those things have made it really hard for me to function daily, I am doing a lot better at finding ways to combat those. I wanted to offer some of the things that I find that help me move past these thoughts and while it’s not always a perfect fix, it’s really helped. 1. I tried to remind myself daily that while love is a feeling it’s also choice. I have to remind myself to get up every single day and choose my husband not because I always feel like choosing him because that is who I choose. That is who I want. That is who I want to grow a relationship with to have a child with Thus why I always don’t feel that love, I always choose it. And while this can be really hard because just society as a whole has made us have these unrealistic ideas about what love is and made us think that love is just this huge with butterflies and sparks, it’s not always that. 2. I try to remind myself that these are just thoughts. And thoughts are not who I am. I don’t have to become the thoughts. I’m not a bad person for thinking of thoughts, and I don’t have to believe the thoughts. 3. When I get, like I often do, groinal responses to the things that I am thinking or seeing in my mind I just remind myself that those are responses to the anxiety I have. I’m not thinking those because I want to think those, but it’s in a response too The fear that I will think those and that I will get that response and then in turn I get the response. 4. I tried to remind myself that this isn’t a fear of coming out like if I was gay, this is a fear associated with a thought that I would be because that’s not who I am. If I really was gay, I would like the thought I would like the pleasure and I would be afraid of coming out. But in this situation, I don’t want any of the thoughts not because I’m afraid of coming out of this because it’s not who I am. If that makes sense.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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