Narc Abuse

I was doing some research and saw about the narcissistic traits that OCD can create. Is this after the person knows they have OCD? Because I always knew I had it. But it was the classic one, with little quirks. Years later I developed false memory and intrusive thoughts whit my present theme. I was reading this because I was thinking about attraction. And I think I'm only attracted to two people in this life. But I remember from times by I had the feeling to please people. Without any interest and without even having the intention to do it, it was very automatic. So I was constantly focusing on how I was apparently being. I never acted like I was interested, but it was always like I was dealing with people's focuses. To tell you the truth, I've noticed that I do this even in other social interactions. I feel like I'm being watched all the time and so I have to act the way I'd like to be seen, like a sweet and delicate person. To be honest, I thought it had to do with my childhood issues because I was very careless and that got me bullied a lot when I was little kid. So I thought I was super focused on my appearance because of that. And I thought that the agaradar came as a consequence precisely because I was always seen as a grotesque girl because I took little care of myself. I even remember that the compliment that made me happiest was when someone said I was delicate. It made sense to me that it really was that. But after researching more, I realized that there are a lot of impulsive and repetitive things in my actions. And never with any intention. But in a very strange way. So much so that when I was younger I swore that I had some kind of personality disorder because it was very common to act one way one day and another way the next day. Maybe I was just an unstable teenager? Thank u for the help!

So. I was in a traumatic relationship. for a long time. it was filled with gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, cheating ect. I would OBSESS over finding out where they were, what they were doing, who they were talking too. but I couldn’t leave. I tried so hard but I never could. they would call me names, physically hurt me, throw things, break things. because I would question them all the time. but I just couldn’t leave. no matter what I knew. they would manipulate me. I fell for their childhood trauma. it’s like I lost all logic. but I also feel like I have a pretty good memory with memories. not all the way, but remembering a lot of the traumatic things. especially now that I’m no longer with them. I keep remembering things that’s happened. even from my childhood. one time way before I even started dating this person, I had an intrusive thought about a friend of mine. that was with me. and I freaked out. I thought I had acted on the intrusive thought the next day. I asked my friend for confirmation but they said nothing happened. but the memories about it feel SO REAL. so VIVID. but they swore that nothing happened and they had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts for my whole life. so fast forward to now, that ‘false memory’ from my friend randomly popped up and I started obsessing about it, and my childhood ‘memories’ that have popped up. and then I was reading an article of someone doing something horrible, and then it sounded ‘familiar’ and so then I’ve created this whole memory of me doing something similar to the article involving my partner doing it also. the memory keeps adding new things and conversations around it. when it involves an actual real memory. but it’s like it’s been twisted from what I remembered before. I also suffer from bad anxiety. I’ve stalked pictures. my search history to figure out what I was doing that say when the real event happened. and I’ve found some things but I can’t look through my texts because I got a new phone. it has been hounding me for months. MONTHS. trying to figure out if this new ‘memory’ is real or not. if it’s been fabricated by an intrusive thought from reading the article and thinking ‘what if’ or if it actually happened and because I’m no longer in this relationship it’s a ‘repressed memory’ but the thing is I have horrible horrible anxiety and I don’t think I could have gone this long knowingly that that happened without remembering it until now. because I remember a lot of the horrible things that they did. this ‘memory’ is fuzzy, but it brings me horrible anxiety when I think of it, like I feel like it happened. but I also feel like it didn’t happen. because I know I would never do anything like that. but WHAT IF I DID, because I was manipulated. idk. is this a false memory. I really need help. because it’s been debilitating. that relationship was really traumatic. and I got manipulated into a lot of things. but I wouldn’t have just went forward knowing that that happened??? there’s no way I could have just forgotten it. because before when I would think about that night it was different, until now. but what if I just made myself forget what truly happened?? I’m a pretty self aware individual, but somehow that relationship really REALLY put me into a trance somehow where I allowed things that I have no idea how I would even allow because before I met that person I would have never allowed someone to cheat on my constantly or talk to me the way they did. or allow abuse. like I don’t understand it.

I’ve had off and on fears and thoughts of being a narcissist but at this point it doesn’t feel like a fear anymore it feels true and it feels like it all makes sense the more I learn about narcissism. I’ve even put the label on myself and have been monitoring all my social interacts and motivations. I don’t know if telling myself I’m a narcissist causes me to act more narcissistic either. I have some specific examples and factors to talk about that might be too long to post, so if I can talk about them to anyone on here I’d appreciate it 😭🙏