Relationship help

I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.

Is anyone here going throughbSOOCD while being in a relationship? If yes, do you feel like “something is missing” even tho everything is great? My OCD keeps on telling me “you’re settling” or “yeah you’re happy with what you have but its nothing compared to what you would be feeling if you were with a girl, but you’re with your bf for society!” Im soo tired!! When I look at him I find him so attractive and handsome but i dont know if im attracted to him or if he’s just attractive!! And while growing up I was never “pulled by guys” but I thought that everyone was this way! I also used to look at girls because I found them Beautiful but I thought that everyone used to look at them this way! I think what truly bothering me is “comphet” and the “lesbian masterdoc”. Like I feel like I can relate to some points! Yes I used to choosw my crushes growing up but it felt like everyone used to do the same thing! As for my current bf, we started out as friend and then it turned into something else but now im scared I just agreed to being his gf because “that’s what I had to do” and im scared that he’s my “beard”. I particularly got triggered yesterday because my friends were talking about their celebrities crush and I couldnt think about anyone without forcing it! Instead I could easily think about kristen stewart or someone with the same vibe. All of this + my feelings must mean something no??? I just want to feel “in love” my bf is perfect!

I’m like 90% sure I’m just bi, more romantically inclined to men, mainly my bf who I wanna marry. But now my brain is like “if you lean into liking women or keep circling and circling for answers you’ll lose all attraction to men and your bf. You’re practically already a lesbian” I feel so tense and anxious I will admit I am talking to chat gpt out of desperation I’m scared of losing all attraction to him I don’t wanna be thinking about women. I don’t unless I’m really stressed cuz when I’m stressed my ocd can take advantage of that I can usually ground myself when I’m in the city with him but I’m back home for most of the summer and I can’t be physically close to him which usually reminds me that hey this is real this is what I really want in life. Him But then I panic and question I haven’t been here in a while tbh. I’m worried I don’t feel enough. I don’t like magic Mike all that much, I like softer guys. But now the fact I don’t like/get turned on by random men on tv but do women in lingerie really stresses me out and makes me worry I’m truly a lesbian but I’m not. Once I started getting to know my bf and my ex bf’s I really did truly genuinely like them and wanted to make out and everything. Idk can anyone relate to the not liking big buff men All my brain is repeating rn is “when he dies you’ll be able to date a woman, when you break up you’ll only wanna date women” and it’s stressing me out. It’s making me nauseous. I was doing well for about a couple days after I initially left but being at home has been so incredibly draining This might give you a vision of how stressful home is: I’ve been on nexplanon for 7 months ish? Only had very minimal spotting during a stressful school period. Today: fully bleeding, like a usual period. I haven’t had my period since having it put in. I wanna go back to my bf so badly rn. I’m so worried I’m faking or don’t feel enough. I’m learning what a healthy relationship looks like and I’m terrified I’m gonna up and leave him when we’re older cuz I’ll finally figure out that I’m a lesbian or smthn. Idk. Someone pls just help me out a tad