Feels like I murdered a baby

@cmac1339 tw : death threat mentions ///// deal with this currently !!! i had an internet fight kindaish with this popular ytber whos suicidal but i blame myself? whwn he spoke ab his mental health, i never made fun of it but i did say that if you cannot take hate or criticism, commentary youtubing is not for u. ive never told him to off himself pretty sure ( i hope although i get false memories on the situation ). i feel like blaming ourselves for situations like these made me realise how stupid i am.

@edenmn i deal with this*

@edenmn i did apologise to him though and he saw it but i ended up blocking him because the cancel document he made triggered me

@edenmn this boy in my year group passed away and my ocd is blaming me for it because i once immaturely played with the gas taps and the situation didn't even line up with his death so its all bs but its still scary to go through. op u will get through this and u will heal

@edenmn The girl I fought with would advertise her suicide on an insta account and start hashtags about herself. As someone who myself has now been suicidal before, I realize how staged the whole thing was

@cmac1339 god no. people romanticise / lie ab sewerslide a lot nowadays. its gross.

@Ny.starbucks You should see a mental health professional. That is likely where the police would refer you anyways.

@Ny.starbucks I don’t see the benefit of going to the police first.

@dragon_calves I actually had the police come to my house once last year and involuntarily bring me to the ER of a psychiatric hospital. I’m wary of contacting the police again only because they might brush it off and send me back there instead of taking my claims seriously.

@Ny.starbucks Right, because they aren’t mental health professionals.

@InkJoy123 Sorry you’ve been going through this, too. Yes, it feels so real that I’m constantly searching for evidence (blood/etc). Do you mean you’ve had a real event occur that was similar to one of your false memory themes?

@Ny.starbucks Yes thats with me (and hopefully your mind won't trick you into thinking what you did was true) My real event I have always known you can say, but recently I'm realizing how terrible it could look, but I'm in therapy and being helped on it. My mind has now created so many memories because you can say before I was such a reckless person that the possibilities are endless... But I know I need to have confidence in many of these things and I know for certain what is actually true (which I do know which ones) and having to struggle with the false ones that seem so fucking real. Like your mind just "KNOWS" its real you know ? That feeling is like you can't say it isn't, because then your lying to yourself, you know its true so why lie ? Do you have those feelings ? Where it just feels REAL like IT IS and you really cannot say anything to combat it cause its like your lying to yourself, your deceiving yourself with these feelings of realness :(

@InkJoy123 I really wish I could emphasize the YOU KNOW ITS REAL feeling but goddamn, OCD really wants us to be alone in these things, but this is really how it feels and then I can't say I haven't done these things because I see it being played out, its what DID happen vividly and "I know" it did. You literally cannot say no you didn't because it just doesn't feel that way. Is that also how your feeling ?

@InkJoy123 Yep. Even if people say I didn’t murder a baby/they were with me/I didn’t sleepwalk and murder or cannibalize a baby, I still doubt them because I feel like completely evil in my soul. I don’t want to do these things but the extreme guilt and culpability I feel is so strong that I feel like I know I must have done it. So I don’t know if it’s psychosis or actual murder at this point. And short of dissembling the septic/plumbing system in my house to look for baby body parts, I don’t know how to go on every day with the feeling that I’ve killed a child. People I’ve told said no it’s just ocd but it feels like actual crimes. And I know that people that commit these crimes can also have ocd, so that doesn’t make me feel better at all.

@Ny.starbucks God it just sucks cause you have have a vivid play by play of that fucking thing and you feel yourself doing it. :( That whole event feels so real like you feel your actions when you do it... is that also how you feel ? Like the actions of doing it feel real as well ? Cause its like such a possibility and feeling those actions is like god that could be true... that is true cause I can see me doing those actions :(

@Ny.starbucks Heres a hug 🫂🫂 so sorry you are dealing with this

@Ny.starbucks just being able to see and feel yourself doing those actions is what hurts the most :(

@InkJoy123 Thank you and same to you 🫂🫂