Uncertainty of the past?

A lot of OCD treatment phrases I hear is it’s okay to be uncertain of what’s to come. But what about being uncertain about things in the past? What about the urge to KNOW everything that had already happened? Did I do this or that? What EXACTLY happened? What do they mean when they said this? I ruminate about stuff in the past including a guy I went on one date with in 2019. It ended with him blocking me but then I reached out a few months later (by this time I had a boyfriend) and he said it was because he “didn’t want to ruin what I had going on” and he “figured I was talking to someone else” (which may include my boyfriend who is now my husband). So I started obsessing what made him think that, and what did I do wrong. Because yes it was true I was technically meeting different people at the same time because it’s my first time doing online dating, but we never discussed how we feel about it, I think he probably just guessed I was taling to other people still but my mind says “no it’s your fault! You ghosted him!” because before he blocked me I did kinda lessened my texts when, for the second date, he invited me to go to the bars and said he wanted me to get turnt. (Additional note: he was also sending inappropriate and sexual jokes not directed at me but it was still random and a little bit sexual). It made me think that those jokes plus wanting me to get drunk and him drunk as well is equal to: he just wants to make out or have sex. Or he’s up to no good, it may lead to something not good. Either way, I felt unsafe for the fact that the intention was for me and him to get really intoxicated. So I stopped replying in that conversation and he didn’t bring it up again. I was hoping he would invite me to a different kind of date like dinner or something else to redeem himself, that’s why I stopped texting him first. But I worried I might have ghosted him accidentally because I might have missed his message on snapchat (that app deletes your messages after you exit it) and that might be the reason why he “thought I was talking to someone else” which I hate because it might be based on miscommunication and not incompatibility, that I was still open to talking to him and he just didn’t get the right message because maybe I didn’t speak up more. That rubs me off the wrong way. So now I’ve obsessed about him long enough (years!) that for any possible new information I can find about him, my compulsion says to GO FIND THAT OUT OR FIGURE IT OUT. For example, yesterday I ended up doing a compulsion and found a youtube video of him from his company, I felt super anxious, some emotional contamination, guilt, ROCD maybe, so I started to say a chant and a prayer while screen recording it to neutralize it then exiting the app. I did it for a number of times too so it may be symmetrical OCD or perfectionism. TODAY, my mind is saying, “Hey remember what you saw yesterday? have you checked the description of the video? Didn’t you screen record the video yesterday, and your compulsion to neutralize it? Why not check it again? It’s for your reference anyway right? Or you can look it up AGAIN on youtube! Maybe they put in his socials there or email address or phone number or anything, just something about him? Have you checked? Check it! It only takes a minute. I will shut up once you check it. It will give you relief once you check it and you don’t find any information because it will be a dead end for you. You don’t have to do any compulsion again after this. This is important. You HAVE TO KNOW what the video description says.” I know for sure this is a compulsion but the thought of getting new info is somehow enticing and the fact that only pressing a few buttons is all it takes to answer my question is giving me anxiety and I want this compulsion gone. The thought of it’ll be a “dead end” once I find out about it is even more enticing because my mind is telling me there won’t be any more compulsions after you do this one because you’re not gonna get new information anyway! But what if there is a new info?What would I do with that? Normally I would have gave in, but yesterday I did that and it sent me into a spiral of compulsions.

🌟✨️

Date posted: 24w

Online footprint,and ocd

Very brief mentions of pocd and nsfw jokes,id like this to be adults only . Repost bc i had to edit something Does anyone have experience with real event ocd attached to your online footprint etc? I keep checking old messages,trying to find old people i knew i used to talk to etc. To find out every problematic thing I did and if I've ever been unfollowed or blocked by anyone I used to be friends w online/atleast on good terms w. I am particularly concerned abt doing something bigoted,esp racist bc i have racism ocd,and doing something predatory bc of my pocd. I remember hanging around people who could use 'edgy' or offensive humour in my teens and i remember a lot of sex jokes and that i would join in on sex jokes sometimes . i dont remember details w the offensive humour as much,i feel like i didnt join in on it as much but i was definitely WAY passive abt things and prob let a lot of bad stuff slide i shouldnt have bc i didn't speak up it was wrong,I remember one friend in an online community would say slurs and horrible jokes when i was 16. I dont remember my response to it as much but i feel i didnt speak up abt it aside one time i found in the dms where he made a bad joke on a thing i shared for social justice. I cant stop going thru old messages and stuff or trying to find ppl from the past. I feel like if I don't check it now,that eventually it'll come to haunt me or that I'll stumble across it eventually. I worry what if someone messaged me on one of these apps I un-installed or on one of the accounts I don't have access to,confronting me abt all this stuff I did. I had an obsession w this back in 2020 and did check in depth on all my accounts,but now that it's been 4 years the obsession is back in full swing.

anonymous00001

Date posted: 19w

Looking for “proof” that it’s not OCD

Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️

ocdonedidily1

Date posted: 17w

Perfectionism OCD and rumination

There’s this one situation that I haven’t stopped thinking about from last night . So basically, I was reading 'The power of Now' which is a book that I love so much and really got me into spirituality. It’s been so helpful for my OCD and rumination but it’s also been pretty triggering for it as of late, so I’ve taken a long break from consistently reading it. The excerpt I read was about abundance and how its not about being bountiful, necessarily in material things but realizing and being grateful for the things that exist in your life now and in doing so, you will open yourself up to more good things. I understood it but I re-read it a lot because I didn't feel confident enough to explain it to someone else. but otherwise I LOVED IT. It made me feel so at peace, I agreed with it, and it gave me hope to start focusing on the good things in my life rather than the bad. So when I went to bed I rehearsed myself explaining it to someone on a podcast and then all these questions started flooding in like “why should I only focus on the good and aren't we supposed to accept the good and bad? Aren’t those the values of Buddha and spirituality” “Ya, we're supposed to accept the good and the bad but why?- so we can feel more good??? And isn't the point of OCD to not label things as good and bad? and why should I focus on the good- so I can feel good? why should I feel good? because I'm worthy of it? why am I worthy of it? because I'm a good person and do good things? well I’ve also done bad things so why shouldn't I consider that. I just don’t understand why I should feel good without it being selfish. And then this went on for like 2 or 3 hours. Like holy shit. I over explain these ideas and concepts that I resonate with to the point where they don't even make sense to me anymore. It becomes very existensial very quick. And I’m not suicidal but these questions make me feel hopeless in society for some reason?? And myself. Like if everything contradicts everything then what’s the point to life? If nothing can be understood or explained in a senseful way, then how do people move forward and make decisions, like AT ALL? There’s never a right or perfect answer and I feel like with any decision I make in regards, I’m doing a compulsion either way. If I don’t answer them, then I’m avoiding it and if I do then I’m checking and seeking reassurance. I’m sorry if this was way too long and over-explained I just need some advice or to know if anyone can relate in any way. Also, I’m sorry if some of those back-to-back questions were triggering.

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Uncertainty of the past?

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