Everything is horrible, horrible, horrible. I feel disgusting, everything is just terrible. I hate my life, I hate all that I’ve done, I wish it never happened, I don’t care if I’ve “learned” from it, I can’t take it back. I hate how my memory has become so distorted I don’t what real and what’s not. I hate myself for not knowing better and knowing better at the same time. I hate myself
You're giving yourself very unfair judgement and it isn't fair to you or others. You can't beat yourself up even you didn't know better. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. Constantly berating yourself isn't going to help you and it will only make you feel worse. Self compassion, avoiding compulsions and accepting will help you instead.
@BigGip09 I like to tell myself that, the one thing OCD hasn’t been able to take so far is that I knew my intentions at the time, and while I was stupid and naive, I know that I didn’t want to hurt anyone, it’s that feeling of being a fraud that always takes me into a spiral, it’s always when things are good is when I begin to panic, it just never feels earned sadly, know that’s the nature of the disorder, but it feels like it won’t get better sometimes, thank you though, this helps
@OCDHaver Regardless, your 18 year old self is a lot different from your current self. I can confidently say that my 17 year old self is miles different from who I am now, though there's still some work that needs to be done here and there. No matter what the intentions, it's in the past. OCD doesn't want to accept that though, and this is the only problem. I think the only thing for us to do at this point is to make changes for the better. That may involve exercise, diets, hobbies, ERP, meditating, etc. I think what you can do is make a list of what's bothering you, what you can control, and what are some things you can change for the better.
In there with you bud. Knew the intention, didn't want to genuinely hurt them and didn't see the full picture, but the intention still was not good :( Wish I could take it back somehow but I know it was stupidity and not learning morals correctly and was basically sucked into things I shouldn't have learned. Sorry you are going theough this. Just know that its in the past. We were young ! We are still growing ! What matters is Here and Now 🫂💕
@InkJoy123 Thank you, yeah, it all happened when I was 18, some events are from when I was 12-14 too, but currently just the ones from last year. Lots of people tell me that I was still learning, which I suppose is true, it just feels terrible and overwhelming at times, thank you for replying, I hope everything goes well for you as well, it’s terrible living in the past, especially in the darker moments
@OCDHaver Oh man, at 18 you are literally STILL so young. So many think that once you turn 18 you already have to mature, you are already an "adult" which I for one think they are TOTALLY WRONG. A birthday will not magically change you. Even early 20s you are still growing ! I hope you are able to move on from those events 🫂💕 Head up high !
@yup_its_ocd I just read your message, you have no idea how much this Jaír helped me, I was feeling anxious right now but this really helped calm me down, thank you so much!
@InkJoy123 I know, I now understand what people mean when they say 18 year olds are still teenagers and are learning, when I was 18 I thought I was really mature, but I’m gonna turn 20 soon it’s crazy to think I ever thought I was a grown adult, I suppose we all just need to learn our lessons in life, I wish you the best!
@OCDHaver Exactly !! We are all still learning so much and our environment can also play a big factor on how we grow up and how our maturity levels are. Wishing the best for you !! 🫂💕
Your loved!
@Kara B Thank you, it just feels horrible sometimes, like I don’t deserve it I suppose
I have a bunch of real event/false memory and there is one that I remember I got in the middle of a horrible episode and I believed it was false but now I can’t remember why I thought it was false and now believe it could be real and it’s just bothering me so much because I want to remember the details to why I believed it was false in the first place and I’m just in a horrible spot and feel disgusting and am getting intrusive thoughts on my themes when I try to check if they are intrusive or not and I can’t function like i don’t wanna be around anyone because all I want to do is confess but I can’t because then I’ll obsess on confessing and they won’t understand.
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
