This urge is so tempting but I’m also shaking

You're right, learning to sit with the uncertainty is what we strive to do, and it can be the most difficult part, but once you get better at it it really helps so much. :)

@Anonymous Why do I feel so tempted to do it? It gives me anxiety whether or not I do it? If I don’t ask the people at work if we can actually unsend an email, that will give me anxiety. If I ask them, and I’m hoping there is no way to do it, it still gives me anxiety doing it but relief right after because I did the big thing I cannot do. Why do I feel like this is a mountain I need to overcome instead of ignoring it…? I want a new perspective on this or something that tells me not to do it.

@Anonymous My husband is aware of my OCD. He told me not to do it, but he sounded really mad and he said “You’re gonna end up in jail. You know that? If you send this email, once or twice is kinda weird but if you keep doing it, it’s gonna be suspicious. you’re gonna mess up. You want to mess up. You’re gonna mess up like how you did before sending your location or deleting all your message history (that was also a compulsion then had a panic/anxiety attack after I did it) so don’t do it.” And he was probably right, I might mess up and actually send the email. I was gonna use his word to stop myself like repeating his “Don’t do it” in my head. But since he sounded mad, that kinda rubbed off the wrong way and so I don’t know if I can use that to stop my thoughts and my urges.

@Anonymous Is marriage the only reason why I shouldn’t do it..? Why isn’t it like because it’s a bad idea regardless of my situation or because I need to let go of the past and stuff like that..? Do I need to get rid of this marriage then..? 😔

@Anonymous Thanks for the encouragement 🥺

@SofiaLovedAndHealed Hey friend, I read your messages in this post. Is there a real reason behind why you want to send the email to this other guy? Or is it just simply a compulsion you have in your head? What's the real reason behind why you feel like you "need" to do this? It doesn't sound to me like you even want to email him, it just sounds like you are obsessing about the fact that you feel like you have to just simply because your OCD is telling you to.

@Drew777 While I’m still undiagnosed, I strongly feel like I have OCD with ROCD as one of my biggest themes. This guy who I talked for only a month back in 2019 blocked me, and now I question if it’s because of something I did or didn’t do. Granted he did tell me that for our 2nd date, he wanted me to get turnt for our second date and I’m assuming he wanted to get turnt too. I felt some alarm in my head going on with that plan, and because he was also sending some suggestive jokes not particularly about me but it can come off as sexual and I don’t feel like it was a compliment or if it was flirting, so I lessened my messages, stopped initiating messaging, and then later on I found out I was blocked. Now I really did like him and wanted a second date with him to find out his thoughts on relationship, but because of that bold and a bit alarming invitation from him, I decided to wait for him to bring up what we want to do for our second date again because that plan was left out in the open. Well like I said that never happened and I just got blocked. but I wondered if the reason we never had that was because he caught me talking to someone else and he didn’t like it, or I should have spoken up about the date and made a different plan, was I exaggerating with his jokes, was I being too reserved that I didn’t want to go out and get drunk with him, or sometimes I’m trying to prove that what I did was right and anyone else regardless of different backgrounds would have done the same thing. Tbh, back then this guy looked “shinier” than my now husband who I was just also talking to when I met this other guy. (By talking, I meant literally just going on dates, or getting to know each other) and I feel somehow guilty when he blocked me. I feel like there was never a closure even though I reached out a few months later and he said it’s because he “figured I was talking to someone else and he didn’t want to ruin what I have.” And I felt guilty right there? Plus he said he already has a gf and it worked out for both of us. some people say that would be a closure but for me I just had more questions like “what made him think I was talking to someone else? Did I accidentally ghost him on snapchat? Did he see me with someone? Did I post something indicating that I am already exclusive with someone which I wasn’t when I was still talking to him? Or was that his excuse?” So idk The compulsion is more like “attempting to send” it by delaying sending the email and cancelling it before it sends. It sends me a RUSH, maybe adrenaline??? Maybe anxiety?? But it sends me a rush, like I get high off it, but also really anxious, and after the shaking in my body calms down, I feel relieved but then also I feel guilty, BUT BUT BUT!!! Because I hate this feeling, this also pushes me to seek help so that’s why I think it helps me in a way??? Going back to the present, I feel like I have to do it because “I have all the knowledge and means to do it and there’s no stopping me, and it will only take a minute.” And it won’t stop bothering me.

@SofiaLovedAndHealed Now I’m worrying if that guy said “I want to get you TURNT!” or if he said “I want you to get TURNT!” 1. I don’t want to mess up my details. 2. By not messing it up, we get the most accurate info. Maybe the 2nd statement meant something different from the first one and it’s a game changer. I just feel so uncomfortable not being able to say the full details. I literally just looked it up on my other messages on what I said to other people, because I also shared this with my few friends. And I also have screenshotted some conversations so I’m tempted to find out whether he said I want to get you turnt or I want you to get turnt because they might have a different meaning and tone.

@Drew777 My other response ^^

@Drew777 Sorry I think this is more like REAL EVENT/FALSE MEMORIES OCD although I think I do still have ROCD too.

@Drew777 This is such a thoughtful comment and I will take it to heart. I will reply back again, reread it and reply as I am about to sleep right now. But thank you for taking the time to do this.

@SofiaLovedAndHealed Of course. I'm glad to be here just to talk through it with you. I know it's hard to go through OCD alone. I really hope you have a better day today. I pray that the intrusive thoughts will stop and you'll have some peace today. And hey, at least the weekend is almost here! Yay! :)

@Drew777 What about asking if our company can unsend an email? Would that also be a compulsion?

@SofiaLovedAndHealed Yes.

@Anonymous Also even asking someone if something is a compulsion is typically a method of seeking reassurance. This is something that is not good to do with OCD because it also feeds our compulsions. When you question if something is a compulsion or intrusive thought, or when you question if an action you are stressing about is OCD related. Usually the answer is yes if it causes you stress, however it’s better to be able to answer these questions for yourself above all, because if you rely on other people it will be be easier to manage.

@SofiaLovedAndHealed Yeah, Anonymous is right. It would be a compulsion to ask your company if it's possible to unsend an email. It's mixed in with the compulsion of you wanting to send the email in the first place, so if you can manage the stress you get from not asking I would suggest not asking them about it. If they say yes then it will just strengthen your OCD even more and make you want to send the email all the more. Remember to just sit with the anxiety you're feeling, even though it's difficult. If it becomes unmanageable seek help from a therapist or maybe start on a low dose of medication, like Certruline (Zoloft). There are other medications too but that's the one I personally take and it helps me. I hope you have a better day today. How are you feeling today Sofia? :)