Random Spikes

It just sucks when you are able to go about your day, actually improving, and then suddenly youll just get a spike. Just had a "what would others think if I had more things that I've done that I'm not telling them because I'm not able to remember them" So now my mind is trying to look for everything that I've done from small to major because I'm also afraid there will be something I haven't remembered and suddenly I'll get remember it later and it will be horrible :( I honestly already know all my real events lmao I've always had. Its just that OCD latched on very heavily to them as it changed theme but at the same time I know I should just keep going on with my day. But damn the "I'm not telling them everything" "What if they find out and leave me and hate me" :( it sucks but whatever. I'm eating pozole ! Have you guys had it ? Also tomorrow I'll be working on my halloween costume/cosplay :) I'm going to be Hange from Attack on Titan ! What will you guys be dressed up as ? 🫂💕

Nica

Date posted: 2y

You’ll always have ups and downs. You will never stay 100% okay for the rest of your life even when you recover. That’s a hard thing to hear because people assume it’ll go away but mental illnesses don’t go away. However, one of the best things about recovery is that you’ve been down this road before, you know what to do to get better, you know the signs and symptoms of your OCD so you don’t give into it, and you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything is temporary, even pain that comes from OCD spikes. You know how to get through it; ride the wave.

Mjade184

Date posted: 2y

@Nica It’s hard for sure though. I was just put on medication for some of my other mental illnesses and honestly I was a little disillusioned to think that meds would be the end all be all. I’m not sure if they helped, I guess we will have to see. I think what I’m saying us, I’ve had more good days recently, but sometimes when the times have been so good, the bad days feel so much worse if that makes any sense

Nica

Date posted: 2y

@Mjade184 Of course it’s hard but after you realize and finally accept life is full of ups and downs and it will never be truly steady, it gets easier to ride the wave.

Mjade184

Date posted: 2y

I love pozole! I completely understand where you’re coming from. I honestly just found out that I have OCD and it has been so difficult. I get the same way. Sometimes I’ll be fine, and then suddenly when I’m hanging out with people and they accidentally (and completely unaware that they did this) trigger me by saying something that reminds me of my mistakes I will feel so incredibly guilty and question if I should tell them about all of the bad things that I’ve done. I’ve obviously made mistakes, there’s no doubt in that. But I’ve changed a lot in these past few years and it’s hard because it feels like I can’t let go. I punish myself because I at points fundamentally believe that I deserve to suffer (or atone, in a way). Anyways, I’m going to be dressed up as a fallen angel!

InkJoy123

Date posted: 2y

@Mjade184 It gets annoying and its tough and each time a spike happens, it just feels like this is it, this is the "end" in a sense where you have the feeling where you will never improve from it. But we just gotta continue on with our lived and make it how we want :) And ooo a fallen angel, that sounds so cool !! Are you making it all on your own ?

Mjade184

Date posted: 2y

@InkJoy123 I bought most of the costume I won’t lie haha. I love spirit Halloween to much to not indulge. I understand when you say it feels like the end. Sometimes my brain feels like a filing cabinet and OCD is there to drag up all of the mistakes that I’ve made and over analyze them as if they are definitive to my character. It’s difficult to manage.

Nica

Date posted: 2y

Regarding the Halloween costume, I’m thinking vampire 🧛🏻‍♀️ It’s the easiest costume and it’s cheap.

InkJoy123

Date posted: 2y

@Nica Thanks for the response Nica ! Appreciate it 🫂💕 Gotta continue moving forward :) and honestly a vampire is still such a great costume to do ! Even if its cheap I just love vampires in general and if you wanna do a lil sfx makeup that would make it look amazing !!!! Hope your day went well 🫂💕

nae nae

Date posted: 15w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

nae nae

Date posted: 10w

Thought I'd been doing better

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!

alan87

Date posted: 7w

The ebbs and flow of OCD

The past month or so I have been in and out of OCD spirals. I’ll have a couple days of spiraling and then a couple days of being better. Then a couple days spiraling and then a couple days doing better. Today is one of those days where I can feel the anxiety under the surface and where I am monitoring it to see/keep it in check. Yesterday I was good, I had good dialogue in my mind, I was content with making mistakes in the past, but being a better human and person these days going forward. I can feel the ebb and flow of it today where the anxiety spikes, my internal dialogue say “am I going to freak out”, “confess this”, “say that”, “don’t say that”, “I’m a bad person”, “I’m a good person that is learning and growing every day” etc etc. Then the anxiety comes down, my mind feels clearer, less noisy and less physical feeling, and I feel like I don’t care about the OCD and me as much. Just been feeling the ebbs and flows of OCD over the course of months and days, and even within the day itself.

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