anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

HELP-New to OCD

I am new with OCD. No medications and just started regular therapy before getting diagnosed. I have horrible ruminating thoughts on past events that I have done to my now husband (we got married in August, have been together for 8 years). I question my love for him. I question literally everything even though I know I love him and I know I made mistakes in the past. I never physically cheated, but some nights the recurring thoughts of what I did get so bad that I think that I did cheat. I replay the things I've done over and over and I feel guilty for even thinking someone else is attractive. I get panic attacks. I get terrible intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I feel like the only thing to do is to repeat all of my mistakes to him and I know I’m hurting him in the process. Why can’t I forgive myself? I am absolutely miserable and I have no idea what to do :(

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

It’s so hard. I understand what you’re going through! I had an old friend of mine confess that I’ll always be his first love and how bummed he was when I got engaged. I didn’t think much of the conversation at the time and brushed it off as innocent but then I began to think of what I did to make him feel he could say this. We were drunk at the time, which made me think I was too friendly with him. My fiancé was with us the whole time so I know nothing serious happened but the intrusive thoughts that I did something get so strong. I start rethinking every interaction I’ve had with people. Did I flirt with them? Did I cross a line? I feel guilty for even thinking someone is attractive which I know is crazy - it’s natural. I never acted on attraction, at least that I can remember? The lines between what happened and what were thoughts gets so hard to see.

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Nothing like that happened to me, but I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this as well. Mine was meeting people who I was told found me attractive and I fed into the attention and craved it. Then after I came clean we chose to get married and after that I snapped. The thoughts just came on and won’t stop. That was two months ago. I try to think back and make sure I didn’t forget something and then I think about how I have found other people attractive or what if I’ve crossed the line flirting while drunk more than I think I have? My husband reassures me because majority of the time he’s been with me when these things have happened (aside from the few mistakes I chose to make). I don’t know where to go from here. I need help. It’s worse at night. The only thing I can do when it’s bad is take a Xanax and try to sleep. What have you found that helps?

armyvet

Date posted: 2y

What do you do when you get those thoughts of like you chested or just thoughts

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@armyvet I just repeat them in my head over and over and over again and then I get either a panic attack or I pace and I have to tell someone immediately or I feel like my heart is going to explode

armyvet

Date posted: 2y

@haigronn I understand about thoughts about something I did .. I be like I hope I didn't hurt them with my words I don't like to hurt people but even if I don't I think I did and I don't like anybody being angry at me

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@armyvet Well, that’s the thing. I know I’m hurting my husband when I repeat everything back to him.

armyvet

Date posted: 2y

@haigronn I'm sorry you are dealing with this thoughts how does your husband respond to this thoughts

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@armyvet He listens and is great at reassuring me. There are times when I know it definitely upsets him and he reacts but for the majority he handles it well. It’s just hard on him

armyvet

Date posted: 2y

@haigronn That is great that he is understanding so you tell him your past mistakes to him

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’ve been experiencing exactly this for the last month. We’re getting married in one year. I constantly feel like there’s things I haven’t told him and go over situations over and over again until I make myself sick. I look for reassurance online and then see things like I’m emotionally cheating (even when I know I’m not) and I feel like I have to tell him or I’m lying. It’s awful. We’ve been together eight years as well. You’re not alone

armyvet

Date posted: 2y

Why won't you tell him

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@armyvet I have talked to him about it. My mind tells me I haven’t told him everything even when I feel like I did and then I replay situations to see if I left out anything but it only hurts him in the process. It starts to make me questions what is even real and feels like false memories because the line between real life and intrusive thoughts start to blur.

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous The thing is I did sort of emotionally cheat. I sent inappropriate photos to another person and have flirted and gone out of my way to talk to other people behind his back (even if it was for a day or three and never said/did anything sexual with them). I would then try to break up with him at these times so I didn’t feel like I was “cheating.” He knows the truth but everything I’ve done plays on a hell loop 24/7 and I feel like I HAVE to repeat it all back to him. It gets so bad that I start thinking I have slept with someone else or that I’ve said worse things than I remember doing.

armyvet

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I understand your situation. Like when I share with my therapist my mind tells me you didn't tell them all or you left this part out and then I start to worry what are they gonna think of me

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous That’s EXACTLY what I’m feeling!!!

anonymous71465

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous That and I feel extreme guilt if I close out of apps, use a private browser to search things, use social media because of everything. I am not even sleeping because of these thoughts

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Truthfully, I haven’t found anything to help. I’m starting therapy Thursday. I’ve struggled my whole life with what I’m sure is undiagnosed OCD but after this incident it’s gotten progressively worse. My fiancé is aware of everything and I talk with him a lot to try and calm my nerves. I know that’s a compulsion and I shouldn’t engage but right now it’s all that helps me.

Anonnnnnm

Date posted: 22w

Please help (ROCD)!

I have been battling ocd for over a year now and it likes to switch themes. Currently, it’s attacking my relationship with my girlfriend who I’ve been with since I was in high school over 10 years ago. It first began as an intense feeling that I have to leave or break up with her over dumb little things. Then it changed into a lot of guilt for having any thought about another girl. And the worse is feeling this intense guilt for past things I’ve done in the past while in this relationship. We were so young and I was teenager, but I often found myself watching porn, fantasizing about real other people in my life, and getting off to other girls that I may have known. When I was younger I didn’t think it was bad and that it was just a normal teen boy thing, but 10 years later I have so much guilt about it. And yes I’m with the same girl now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I know I love this girl and I’m ready to propose to her soon. Anyway, these past mistakes I did when I was younger make me feel like a cheater and I can’t stop ruminating about it. I feel like I have to admit every detail and person I’ve ever had a bad thought about. I feel like if I propose to her and don’t tell her everything, that I’m a lair and didn’t give her the full picture. And the other day one of the girls I thought was hot when I was younger, came up in convo and I just went downhill. Now she knows I deal with OCD and she is very supportive, I’ve told her before that I did some bad things, but never all the details. And that’s all my brain keeps telling me to do. I have so much tightness in my chest and just want to be able to breathe again. But everyone says to not admit or it’ll reinforce the cycle, I’m just not sure how everyone else does that. And at the same time, maybe I am a cheater and just simply a bad person. Idk! I never cheated physically or anything like that, but my past mistakes feel like I did. But again I may just be a bad person! Please if anyone has advice or is dealing with similar things, I’d appreciate the help!

Relationship OCD

chickenmomma

Date posted: 22w

I struggle with confessing

This is my first post & I’m terrified. I have not been officially diagnosed w ocd yet but in a nutshell - I confessed some things I felt guilty about to my husband about five months ago. ( nothing too major ) but in our past, 20+ years ago I was unfaithful and it caused a LOT of harm, which I told him all of that back when it happened. But in recent months, I started getting consumed by guilt. I couldnt eat or sleep until I finally broke one night and told him all these recent little things I felt guilty about. Acting flirty, etc. And for him it like brought back allll the trauma from 20 years ago which I didn’t know would happen. But it’s so bad. He says he wishes I never told him. But even w that, I still feel like I keep thinking of “new things “ I did in the past, thoughts I had or dreams, or conversation w an ex,things like that. Because I am a Christian I also keep feeling like it’s the Holy Spirit telling me I haven’t told him everything and I need to. But I also know God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear .. I clearly need help, but I also want Christian based help so that it’s in line w what I believe ? I can’t eat and my anxiety is so bad again - I know if I confess more things it will keep destroying him, I don’t think he really understands or believes I have ocd. Thanks if you made it this far

User17annon

Date posted: 16w

Please help 😞

I have false memory real event ocd, I’ve been married 13 years and I used to constantly bring up past mistakes from when we were dating and it RUINED our marriage, but I got medication and therapy and things got better untill a few weeks ago where everything crumbled. I have a memory that is 13 years ago of me being intimate with my husband (than boyfriend) while being intimate I have a memory of sending a text to a male who obviously liked me but I didi not while my husband was under the covers . And I keep thinking over and over how disgusting and inappropriate it was to do that especially doing it in the middle of being intimate 😞. I have confessed this to my husband last year and he didint believe me saying it’s probably a made up memory and would are not a slut and wouldn’t do that. Now i have guilt all over again for weeks and it’s taking such a toll on me it’s all I think about and try to remember every detail I’ve thought about it so much I don’t even know if it’s 100 percent true. But I can vividly see it when I close my eyes. How do I get over this guilt without confessing? Confessing would absolutely destroy my husband.

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