New mom with postpartum ocd
Hi everyone, grateful to be here and share. Can any new mamas share how long it took for them to get over their postpartum OCD? I know everyone is different and I’m grateful to be in ERP since August, but having been experiencing heightened OCD since April. My son is a blessing and super easy, but just wondering if any mamas can share their success stories. Thanks!
Hello! Right after having my baby is when my ocd blew out of control. It actually led to finally getting a diagnosis! I couldn’t sleep at night and I had to wait 5 months to see a psychiatrist, so I got on a low dose of Sertraline to just help me sleep and calm down some. That was a huge help. I haven’t been able to get erp yet for financial and insurance reasons, but just knowing what ocd is and using what resources I can has been a huge huge help. I would say my progress came slowly. I had my baby in august 2021 and that fall was a mess for me. I was diagnosed in spring 2022, and that’s really when I started learning and making small progress. So in 6 months, I have felt a world of difference without professional help, but it has been slow and steady. I’m able to sleep, I don’t feel the horrible fear all day anymore. My main issue was hyperresponsibility and paranoia about something happening to my baby. I was almost feeling the grief of losing her even though everything was fine, just because the fear had become so real! It’s hard to feel like a success story because the more I learn about ocd, the more I see how much work I have left to do. I AM so much more comfortable now and no longer in crisis, though. :)
Hi Britt, I’d really like to share my story. I find doing so therapeutic and hope that it helps you in some small way. My son was born in Sept 21. Birth didn’t go as planned and at 3 days old, he was hospitalised with jaundice, following a missed home checkup from the hospital. In the 4 months that followed, we had many health scares that warranted a trip to the hosp but, thankfully nothing of major concern and baby was ok. At 5 months pp, I read an article about a rare health condition. I had a panic attack and from that moment on, I obsessively thought about this, worried my son might have it. I examined my son’s skin for hours on end to the point of seeing things and thinking I’m going crazy. It would be checking every change in birthmark, pigmentation, spot, scar, bruise.. and it evolved to checking his eyes and the hairs on his head! When he cried a lot, I thought it might be the condition. I compared his skin from pictures and even of other people. It has moved on as well to concerns about the health of future children. Anything I see or hear about, health wise, I worry about my loved ones or I getting it. It’s ocd rooted in health anxiety. When I first had thoughts of self harm, harming my baby, and classical depression symptoms that’s when I knew this was pnd/pna. But I never suspected ocd! Looking back, I realised I did have ocd tendencies (repeating situations in my head, repeated imaginary conversations, obsessing over my own health, rechecking the door/hair straightener/oven, wanting things a particular way). I sought out help and was lucky to get a spot with a psychiatrist a month later. It helped a lot! My doc was kind enough to also get a dermatologist to check out my son for reassurance. Even this only provided temporary relief from the relentlessness that is ocd. After 4 months of therapy, I was doing better but it was still too big of a burden for me to handle. I switched therapists and the lady I’m seeing now for the past 4 months has been able to correctly diagnose me and thus help me with more appropriate strategies. I also read books to help understand how my brain is working which helps shift my perspective from the intense fear that what I’m worried about is not actually reality. So yes, it’s been approximately 8 months and I’m doing much better. I don’t beat myself up when I have flare ups (which occur every other day or so). I can reflect on maybe why I was vulnerable to the flare up and I feel safe to share everything with my husband who learns and is able to help me better the more I discuss it with him. I went into avoidance for a long time and had mantras and prayers to help me cope through distressing moments. All of this perpetuated my fears. Starting ERP was so uncomfortable because I couldn’t bear to face my fears and the distress it caused. But I’m doing it! It has gotten easier. The voice in my head compelling me to carry out my safety behaviours is actually louder! It yells at me to do it…. Maybe because the anxiety monster knows I’m getting stronger and he needs to really get in my face to get me to cave. Sometimes I do. But that’s ok. Progress isn’t always linear. Today, my triggers still include changing his clothes and nappy, basically seeing his exposed skin in any way (though I face them) and also reading or watching anything to do with children being ill or having a condition. Anyone being ill really, but children moreso. I don’t aim to be fully free from this but my goal is simply to be able to manage this and bring it down the lower levels of distress.
@divyD The reason I don’t aim to be fully free from this is because the harder I wish for this anxiety to go away, it gives more and more of my energy and power to it, and the longer in lingers in my head. By not dignifying my stupid little thoughts with a response, I am able to starve out the anxiety monster. I can see the factors for my mental health when I reflect back on my life and experiences, including our difficult labour and the hospital mishandling our son’s jaundice. It might be why, even with docs providing reassurance, that I doubt them (but this is also classic of anxiety/ocd because it’s reassurance that is only a temporarily relief). I should also add that I’ve had intrusive thoughts of my son of a sexual nature (this was so ick to write) but I knew well enough to just let those thoughts pass by. Last thing I need is to fixate on those too! This is just who I am now and that’s ok. It comes from a place of love. It comes from wanting to protect and safeguard our kids from everything. But we can’t do that. We know life is full of uncertainty and we really don’t have control. We have to pray for the best and trust it will be fine. Will pray for your recovery. I’m open to chat more too.
Aw sierra, that’s wonderful thank u for sharing! You’re a rockstar mama and thank you for validating. I noticed mine spike in April. My son was almost 11 lbs! And wound up being an emergency c section. Not expected for sure. My husband is a therapist, we do couples and individual therapy and are thankfully very strong. But I don’t know what happened. He watches a lot of documentaries and I didn’t realize in a hormonal postpartum state things were more triggering. We haven’t watched the news since COVID, I can’t watch anything about children. I can relate to the hyper-vigilance and just overall horrible intrusive thoughts that make me so uncomfortable and out of character, especially as a Christian
@Britt Lynne I also suddenly was not able to handle any graphically violent/crime/child related content, and news became a huge trigger for me. I still avoid almost all of those things but I’m working through Kimberley Quinlan’s workbook to try to use some of those as exposures. Jenna Overbaugh had a fantastic episode on the OCD Stories Podcast that was so moving for me to hear. It really reflected my experience and it was so cathartic to hear someone else who had been where I was, and made it! If you haven’t checked that out I’d recommend it!
@SierraMR Thank you Sierra - I actually heard that podcast and felt so validated. This is such an undertalked about and at times taboo and even shameful time that really needs to be talked about. Appreciate you all.
Hi DivyD, I didn’t realize, because I’m still learning how to find previous posts that you wrote this and I never responded. Thank u for sharing your story so truthfully. Very relatable! It really has sucked as a mom to have a brain that gets, I’ll say “hijacked” pretty often. So glad to not be alone
@Britt Lynne Also, does anyone else ever feel that for a second those awful thoughts make you question your sanity? Like, I punish myself for having the blasphemous egodystonic though and feel shameful for evening having it
@Britt Lynne No worries, I realised I’ve responded to both of your posts. I am new to this app too.
@Britt Lynne Yep sometimes I feel like that too!
I just want to be normal and enjoy this time in my life. There I times I feel strong and like I have it under control and then in a split second I’m lost in thoughts and anxiety. Trying hard not to seek reassurance, avoidance or complete ERP but it’s hard. I feel alone because I feel like no one understands what it is to be scared of yourself to not trust yourself.
Okay so im pretty much just putting this out there to see if anyone will comment and help me. This is my first and only baby I will be having. I have pretty severe ocd with multiple themes and have for years it fluctuates from better to worse you know like this disorder usually does but especially with this pregnancy it has been so bad. It got bad in the second trimester and then it got worse in this last trimester. Idk if it’s because I’m just anticipating his arrival so much so my minds just left to wonder and create scenarios regular and intrusive, of what it’ll be like to be a mom and have him here and also to be exposed everyday to a source of anxiety for me. My stress level is so so high almost everything triggers a thought for me everyday and i ruminate on all of them everyday. I try not to but right now it feels impossible eventhough I know it’s ocd. So what I’m asking is any mom, dad, parent whatever on here I need advice on managing this with a new child. He is about to come out and I’m so anxious about how this will affect me I want to be a good mom and of course ocd makes me worry what if I’m just constantly anxious around him and can’t function and don’t want to be around him? What if I hurt him or want to? All the terrible what ifs and worrying that I won’t be able to enjoy being a mom that this shit will take any enjoyable part of the experience away from me and just make me miserable so please anyone who’s been through it before just tell me how you managed or are still managing what you did to prepare/how you cope? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
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