Is this even OCD anymore?

I'm starting to stop believing that what I'm experiencing is OCD, the symptoms *used* to line up perfectly, but now I feel like it's just gotten to be too real to be OCD anymore. What made me believe this was OCD in the first place is the sudden switch in fixation, before my current fixation, I had POCD, I can't remember when it switched, but it just did, and I stopped worrying over being a predator. I get residual worry sometimes, but that's just from the trauma of going through that. My OCD switched from POCD to TOCD, and honestly I have to say TOCD somehow feels worse. at first it was clear that it was OCD, it all checked out. The sudden obsession, the doubting no matter which way I decided, the checking, putting on feminine clothes and even doing half of my face with makeup, and hating it, as a test. I went back and forth, day in day out, day in day out, over and over again. I found a video on Trans OCD, and it helped, a ton. so much so that I started watching it over and over again, and now it doesn't help. It started getting worse and worse as time grew on, the more I researched the both better and worse I felt. Say you had a list of 7 symptoms, if I were to fit five, but not fit two, I would disregard the other five symptoms I do fit in favor of the two I do not fit. It was, and is, a constant run around. I started seeking reassurance from my family, close friends, my therapist, and that's when it was made so much worse. they would always say the wrong thing that would get me spiraling. my memory has gotten extremely hazy, even though these events were not long ago, but I remember that I was researching constantly, re-reading the same resources and watching the same videos on OCD, as of right now, I have yet to clear my tabs, I have 24 tabs open dedicated to OCD or dedicated to a compulsion involving OCD. each of these resources having been viewed by me an incredibly frequent amount of times. Back around this time I was reacting differently to it, I guess it was either not as bad, or I wasn't aware of how far down it all goes. I would ruminate, have really bad dips, research/reread/rewatch, come back up, be confident that it was OCD, try to start ERP on my own, start doubting again, ruminating again, cycle continues. I remember the night it all got worse, I just finished chatting with a hotline, it's become a routine at this point, I felt great, I felt euphoric, like myself again, and then, feeling like I could take on the world i made the biggest mistake of my fucking life, I tried to do an *extreme* exposure to my fear, I was a fucking idiot. I watched the video, and the person's experiences resonated with me almost to the word. I wish that fucking video and that person didn't exist. I was paralyzed, and ever since I haven't been able to get that stupid fucking video out of my head, I started trying to research again, desperately, I started calling hotlines more often, I snapped and started bathing compulsively again. It only for worse from there, now, TOCD is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last I think of at night. I spend every hour of my day ruminating, landing on an answer that doesn't stick for long. It's become harder and harder to see myself as a man anymore, and that both frightens and saddens me. As time goes on the fear has started to make more and more sense and I don't truly see it as irrational anymore. People keep mentioning that you "know" deep down what you are and you know that it's OCD, but I don't. not anymore. I don't know if it's still OCD or if it was OCD in the first place. I'm physically unable to imagine myself as male anymore, my brain won't let me, it keeps budding in forcing me to imagine myself female, and even worse it feels like I like it. it feels like i've developed dysphoria and it hurts, I limit speaking because i'm afraid that if I dislike my voice it 'proves' something, I avoid mirrors, I've began to feel uncomfortable with my facial hair despite having used to love it. I can't hear my name and I hate when people say it, it starts the rumination up again and I hate that I feel suddenly uncomfortable with it. I even impulsively bought a wig that i've since thrown in my closet, too scared to even look at it. I bought it to check, but I've stopped checking, in fear that if I do it will make me more likely to be a woman. I've lost the desire to check and instead have become afraid of it and have started avoiding things that would require me to check. The worst part is that at one point I just broke, it was a particularly bad night for OCD, I broke under the pressure and accepted it, and I felt at ease, happy maybe, I can't remember all too well. I'm terrified that that moment wasn't me breaking but me coming out of denial, and now being back in denial. I've been trying to read back into memories and trying to remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and every time I come across a memory I can't remember all too well I lose my fucking mind. I can't tell if it's OCD anymore, or if it was ever, what if I faked my symptoms to convince myself I had OCD and just don't remember? I'm on medication, but I don't know if it's helping, I almost hate when i'm at peace because when I'm ruminating I at least know it still might be OCD. it's gotten to the point where I really don't even want to be at peace or happy anymore, I *want* to be in distress because at least then it still feels like it can be OCD. I don't know, nothing makes sense anymore. does this still sound like OCD or am I just fooling myself?

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

oh my god, honey. i hope this doesn’t sound weird but if i could reach through the screen and hug you i would. i’m so so sorry you’re going through this. my main theme rn is so-ocd and although my main obsession is my sexuality (and so many of your symptoms resonate with me) it does dip into gender feelings occasionally so i just know tocd is gonna try to get me next. i’m gonna tell you something my therapist told me: if you’ve given yourself every single answer under the sun and your brain *still* won’t accept it, it’s ocd. by nature, ocd wants us to struggle. many people liken it to a bully but i want to say that ocd is like an abusive partner. it wants to isolate us. it tricks us. it tortures us with images and doubts and thoughts and makes us doubt our sanity. it strips us of who we’ve always been and leaves us dependent on it, both running from it and clinging to it, because at a certain point, it becomes all we know. my best advice is to search for treatment. erp and a therapist will help you. i’m so sorry you’re going through this and i wish you all the best🤍

Yeehaww

Date posted: 2y

@nonny12 This is really helpful. Although I’m not an AH HA kinda moment. But your quote on giving yourself every answer under the sun. I’ve told myself many many times maybe I’m this. Never settled. It’s like even if I admit to myself and I look myself dead in the face and tell myself I’m gay, I’m never okay, my head pounds my body is numb. It’s just never ending

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@Yeehaww this is exactly what it is. i’ve done down the entire spectrum of sexuality to see where exactly i fit. i’ve gone on lesbian forums, bisexual forums, asexual forums, demisexual forums, literally everything you can think of, and i’ve never found an answer that satisfied me. i still have a hard time believing this but we’re not actually having a sexual identity crisis. if we were sans ocd, we likely would’ve found an answer already. this is ocd tormenting us, and although it’s hard, we have to learn not to care about whatever it’s using to keep us down. i’m struggling with this even today

Yeehaww

Date posted: 2y

@nonny12 I know, I didn’t even realize this was a true thing. Never would I think my mental health was this unhealthy. I just thought it was something about me, and my identity

Arjay

Date posted: 2y

@nonny12 It's just so incredibly confusing. it feels like all my memories and emotions have been tampered with. I'm not being physically forced to do anything but it's not about that, it's my emotions being changed, where it's not technically forcing me to do anything, but rather manipulating my emotions to make me want/not want things. I'm so exhausted. I feel so beat down, I don't know if i've tricked myself into believing it's OCD or if it is OCD, because I want it to be OCD, I want these thoughts to not be me, but they've stopped feeling ego-dystonic, it feels like my OCD just is me now. I've been trying to find treatment, i don't really know where to start honestly, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 21st if I remember correctly, I don't know if I can hold out for that long. Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@DragonfruuT i know exactly what you’re feeling. i go through this daily. when i’m down enough to talk about it, i tell my mom that i don’t know what’s real anymore and i don’t know what’s me. worst, is that before this i wasn’t really thinking about my identity, so i can’t really go into my past and look for a concrete moment where i said “i’m a straight woman!” simply because i wasn’t concerned about it. please hang on. if you can, read out to NOCD and see if you can get help here. definitely do go to a psychiatrist as well to see if medication might help. i hope for us both to get better soon🤍🤍🤍🤍

brynnybat2004

Date posted: 2y

@ocdgirl123 I feel you, i never thought about my identity before this but i know i never wanted to look masculine or look manly. I’m a hyperfeminine female.

GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Did you guys ever get peace from these TOCD thoughts? My mind just started on this one after a night of accepting I could be gay. Had a bad dream and bam this is my new reality

SilentWarrio...

Date posted: 23w

TOCD & How to feel comfortable with biological sexe?

I am a man from the Netherlands and I am in my early 40s. When I was 36 years old I became diagnosed with ADHD. At that period of my life I already have had treatment for borderline personality disorder. I might have an impulsive nature due to my ADHD, though unlike many people with BPD I don't act impulsively but I am hindered in my life by indecision and perfectionism. It wouldn't surprise me if I turn out to have OCD. Thanks to a blog from NOCD in which transgender OCD was described it became more clear to me my doubts and anxiety of possibly being a transgender + a coward because of remaining in denial for that, is more likely the cause of OCD. I noticed as well I made progress during the years, because of course it didn't take my doubts away, however I was able to believe dealing with uncertainty probably contributes more to my well-being than finding the answer of my doubts. This specific type of OCD keeps coming back, because it is a fact that I as a homosexual man am very insecure about my masculinity. I had experienced an unsafe childhood with emotional neglect from a mother with autism and also emotional abuse from a father with definitely traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. As an only child who also turns out to have ADHD I felt chronically lonely and grew up with the belief I was a complete failure: not only my actions were wrong, but also my thoughts and emotions. At school I was an outcast. I felt unsafe everywhere. I often escaped into daydreaming and fantasies, because for me it was the only way to bare the reality. As a child I was introvert, anxious and feminine. That's why I developed a feminine alter ego of myself in which I could escape in my fantasies. However I didn't develop an identity align with my biological sexe. When I hit puberty I became worried about it. I was convinced I eventually have to come out of the closet as a transvestite or transgender. I really didn't want that; I wanted to have a stable self-identity align with my biological sexe instead of regularly pretending to be a woman, because I am not a woman. However as you all know very well the suffering is about not having control over yourself. When I was 17 I decided to look for a psychologist, because I definitely didn't want to waste precious years of my life. I assumed a psychologist can help me, because I definitely am not the only homosexual man struggling with his masculinity and sexual orientation. I felt so much ashamed of myself I repeatedly held myself back explaining my problems, though I forced myself to speak up my mind; after all he can't help me if he doesn't know what it's all about. I was very disappointed he replied with "What are you complaining about? Count yourself lucky you live in the Netherlands where you can be yourself." He was bringing up my perfectionism: in my perception he did so because he refused to admit he couldn't help me, so by bringing up something else he still was able to profit about my suffering. Looking back to it now I can understand why he responded like that. Still I think it's disrespectful, because I feel treated in such a way like a disobedient dog that has to learn to obey. I have had a lot of therapists and they regularly responded similarly. What I find striking is that my perfectionism and worrying is one of the first things they notice, but it doesn't occur to them that I may have OCD. I have now signed up for another treatment and at the intake I indicated that I suspect OCD in myself and am open to following exposure therapy, but so far they just don't seem to take it seriously. Over the years, my fears have become less strong. By that I mean that it no longer leads to panic attacks and street fear. The more confident I feel, the more comfortable I feel with my masculinity. But when I feel less good about myself, I get doubts again and especially shame and guilt. It makes me hesitate going to the gym (in the past the gym was too much confrontational) and I cannot at myself in the mirror. I am quite sure my so-called borderline personality disorder at least partly refers to complex PTSD. Actually I don't care anymore which name is assigned to my problems. I just want to be helped. I understand bringing up fears like "Am I transgender or not?" doesn't help me. However it doesn't help me either if they refuse to respond to me. Then I feel like it's some kind of test to observe if I am able to figure it out on my own, and if not then I cannot get better.

Mher545

Date posted: 20w

Going through a difficult breakup with OCD

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

Ana1022

Date posted: 9w

I'm new to this, is this HOCD/SOOCD? Please help😖

Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭

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