ROCD~SUICIDAL (harm) OCD~Pure OCD~

OCD is hard. Plain and simple. On mornings like this where my ocd comes at me with a vengeance after having a really good amount of time without a certain theme, I have to remind myself that any thing urgent, scary, painful, with a need to get certainty, is probably ocd just trying to suck me back into its loop. Lately I’ve been obsessing over becoming ANXIOUS to the point of that DEEP depression again. My ROCD has not really been affecting me, however it came at me this Morning with the same old scary thoughts. This frightens me because I DONT want to feel deep depression again. Before my panic attack in June regarding my life and my relationship, ocd had always taken on the form of magical thinking, contamination, and things of those sort. OCD Coming at my relationship and my life that I’ve worked so hard to create and value so much is painful. I won’t let OCD beat me down. I’m just afraid of becoming depressed again. Im afraid that my medication will stop working. I’m afraid that I will have to get a higher dose and then become a zombie. As I’m typing this I realize a lot of these sticky fears are OCD’s intrusive thoughts. OCD likes to make me feel weak, like I’m better off alone, avoidance behavior to the point when I’m depressed the only thing that will stop the anxiety is complete isolation. The ocd thoughts are scary. This morning on the drive to work it was like a sucker punch of intrusive thoughts. “Do you know what love is” “Do you really love him” “Do you really want this life” “Are you really happy?” “What if you’re wasting your time?” “What if he leaves you?” “What if you leave him?” “What if this is your truth?” “What if you can’t handle this anxiety for the rest of your life?” “What if you kill yourself because the depression comes back?” “What if you ruin your relationship because your OCD won’t go away?” “What if depression comes back and you can’t handle the depression and you take your own life, you don’t want to die, but what if?” “What if all these thoughts are real?” “What if the things you love aren’t really things you love?” “You don’t know what love is do you?” “If you were in love would you even question if you really knew what love is?” This is how the morning has gone. I’m working through it. It’s hard. OCD is OCD is OCD. I will be okay. This is just a hard morning.

EmilyCruce

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a tough morning. You shared so many meaningful truths about OCD and how it can feel, so thank you. OCD can make us want to hide away and throw away our lives. Great job for keeping a positive attitude and recognizing that it is the OCD causing these problems. Keep working hard on non-engagement with the thoughts. Thank you and best of luck!

Killian

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 2y

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. I especially resonate with the fears around not being able to handle the anxiety or depression. It’s so hard when OCD latches onto the things we love and care about most, and then makes us question even our ability to recover and feel happy. This is this morning, but like you said, you have so many tools to talk back to the OCD and most importantly the courage to make the choice not to let OCD beat you down. You know that you can handle this, even when it’s hard and OCD tries to make you believe you can’t. Know that you are not alone. I see your bravery and commitment and hope for healing even in the midst of such a hard day. Sending you strength and patience to get through this moment 💜

Anonymous2212

Date posted: 20w

False Memory/ ROCD

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and mild depression. But my OCD symptoms are so prominent in my daily life where it feels debilitating. It comes in waves, there will be months with very minor symptoms and other times where it comes in random hitting me like a truck making me rethink life. I grew up having intrusive thoughts of all types, and a lot of them sent me over the edge because I couldn’t understand why things of such sort would cross my mind, things that I’m sure to this day that I’m incapable of or would never want to actually do. Yet I find myself in a constant cycle of trying to dig deep in the past and trying to figure out if I ever acted on any of the intrusive thoughts I can remember, yet ofc have no recollection of acting on them because they most likely didn’t happen. However, not having concrete proof of these things makes me not want to see another day sometimes. It is so hard to move into daily basis like this. I’m also in a happy healthy relationship and sometimes I get these thoughts of “what if I’ve done something awful during the relationship (for example, cheat, dishonesty, etc.) and can’t remember?” I know I would never do anything intentionally to harm my relationship and I think that maybe the idea of not having my partner sends me down a rabbit hole to think all these things. This mental fight is getting harder and harder. It feels unbearable. Does anyone have some fruit for thought, relate, or have any tips?

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

A couple questions about rocd

I hate myself a lot and don’t understand. I do so well for a few days then spiral and feel so awful bc it feels true. The BIGGEST and WORST trigger and theme has been my brother old friend ish who I had a crush on yrs ago. Since my ocd returned once I got in a relationship (after many yrs of being hidden) this theme is the most brutal. For some background I had a crush on my current boyfriend last year in February til May and we were friends then we started talking officially in end of May then dating in 2 week of June. I was obsessed w him 100%. The one time I even saw this old crush and the mall and my 1 friend and I followed him bc like old crush yk and I literally like stopped caring like idk how to explain it bc it was a while ago, but it didn’t matter to me. I eventually walked away and then later used that as an excuse to talk to my biggest crush (my current bf). Since we began dating, my ocd has been brutal. My little brother mentioned the old crush the one day saying “you still love him ur lying to urself rn by being w ur bf” and then it sent my mind on its first loop ab that guy. Since then, it’ll return getting worse and worse. (Sometimes I actually don’t care and it won’t feel as tru and ik it’s fake, but others it’s terrible) I hate it. And I feel so awful like I needa check to make sure I don’t like him. Yet logically why would I check my feelings. Ik I love my man bc everything ab him I love and he’s my comfort and best friend. But I get so stuck up in the confusion of all the thoughts ab this other guy and all I have wanted for the 10 months I’ve been dating my man is to go back to normal. Back to myself. The one who was head over heels obsessed w my man and completely forgetting ab the other ppl. But my brain says I can’t bc a part of me will always want the other guy or some other lame bs excuse and it hurts me so much and my man sometimes too. I’m considering medication but will it truly work? Will it make my thoughts go away? I hate how real/ true they feel I feel like a cheater or like I am lying to my man. I feel like rn when I say I love him, that I’m a liar😖for the past 3 days I was better. I gave it up and let God help me, but last night into today I’m lost. Are we sure ocd attacks wuts most important to us? Bc why is it so persistent and evil

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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ROCD~SUICIDAL (harm) OCD~Pure OCD~

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