Username: enoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

Depersonalisation / existential OCD

Please comment if you have experienced severe depersonalisation where you feel unsure or doubtful about specific events? I was driving with my girls from a long trip and the whole time I was pre occupied with thoughts and anxiety asking myself if I was really behind the wheel? Are my kids with me in the car right now? Have I already harmed my kids in any way while being totally oblivious to what happened? Then when we got home , the thoughts continued on with doubts like did we make it home or did I get into a car accident and because I’m feeling so depersonalised I couldn’t reassure my self that we’re home safe and nothing like that happened …lately my DP and ocd have gone to the next level where I don’t feel like im a person , this morning for example I felt like I was a box with all these contents inside it and this feeling makes me feel like im going lose my mind and end up with some psychotic illness where I’ll get dumped in some mental institution 🥲🥲🥲🥲

Username: enoughocdenoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

I look at my kids and hubby and wonder if they’re really there ? If my memories are my own ? At my worst I felt like i was already dead or in some sort of a purgatory!

Username: jessiiiijessiiii

Date posted: 1y ago

@enoughocd Me too

Username: MyBruhsMyBruhs

Date posted: 2y ago

Yeah, depersonalization and derealization are so, so freaky. I feel lucky that the first time I experienced them only lasted a few days, and the second time was done in under an hour, but MAN they are weird! The feeling of being unsure of existence, unsure of reality.... I didn't suspect I have OCD at the time, but I was plagued by worries that I was going to be confused of whether or not I'd think I was dreaming and kill someone 😅 Or you know, just severely embarrass myself. I'm sure it's really hard, worrying so much about your kids when you're in that state! My therapist told me that eating something very bitter or sour, like a lemon, can sometimes break us out of that state. I'm nor sure if you've tried that, but maybe it could help some.

Username: Anonymous111Anonymous111

Date posted: 2y ago

Wow... I'm dealing with this right now

Username: MyBruhsMyBruhs

Date posted: 2y ago

It's rough 🙏🏻

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I deal with existential OCD around feelings and emotions. I always question feelings and I fixate on “why” people feel or act the way we do and it makes me feel so alone like I’m the only one aware of feelings and emotions and everyone else is just blissfully unaware in La La land. My OCD makes me feel like we are all just so predictable and life itself is so predictable it’s almost like we are all wired like robots with feelings and what’s the point? Then I start getting depressed when I think “what is the point? What’s the purpose? What are we all even doing?” Etc etc it SUCKS. These thoughts and obsessions happened after being in an abusive relationship and being gaslight all the time. I constantly question my own feelings. It definitely has made me feel disconnected from everyone and the world around me.

Username: MyBruhsMyBruhs

Date posted: 2y ago

I think I can relate to quite a lot of that. I remember when I was VERY young, I thought often about how we feel like robots, how it felt like our every action, desire, and need was pre-programmed.... I'm glad that you made that response, by the way! I never connected that time in my life to OCD, but it makes sense when I think about it. Anyway, I hope that your tomorrow is better than today. I know how tough that cycle can be.

Username: enoughocdenoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

@Taylor10 I can completely relate to everything you’re explaining and I wan to thank you for sharing this post 🙏. My existential thoughts revolve around people being unreal ( especially my own kids) which makes my situation even worse because I’m constantly questioning if they are really when I’m taking to them and I keep staring into them just trying to connect with their reality … then i feel completely detached from myself ( depersonalisation) and that triggers my OCD . Do you ever question whether you’re really alive or in some sort of purgatory? I find especially if I’m driving on far trips or out my area , I start panicking asking myself if I made it home safe and that I didn’t get into a car crash and I’m already dead,so then I start to ruminate and go over the time I left the house , how I was driving on the road and trying to remember anything possible to reassure myself that I’m still here and everything’s fine but even reassuring doesn’t work because I’m so disconnected that nothing feels real . Sorry I know this is a long post but thought I’ll share my experiences with you 🙏

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@enoughocd Thank you for sharing too! I know how scary this can be. It makes us feel so alone and anxious. I’ve never had thoughts like that but I’ve heard of others having similar thoughts to that. I hope this passes for us and that we are able to enjoy life again. I’m sure we will. I’m grateful to have this app to talk with people like you. Our brains scare me sometimes but it’s nice to be able to relate to others. Here for you!

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 2y ago

This is what my existential OCD has decided to focus on this time and because it's new, I've been really struggling moving past it. I've had OCD about thoughts, words, time, distance, feeling dead already (what OP talked about) and now this. The depression after the panic and those exact questions have gone through my head. Are you better now? Or still struggling?

Username: freshpandafreshpanda

Date posted: 46w ago

@Cisforcaro Hi are u still on this app?

Username: freshpandafreshpanda

Date posted: 46w ago

@Tee10 Hi are u still on this app?

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 45w ago

@panda hope Periodically I am. What's up?

Username: freshpandafreshpanda

Date posted: 45w ago

@Cisforcaro Oh hi! tysm for answering me, i don’t wanna trigger you so this is a quick warning thid is an existential ocd theme im struggling with: so basically my mind says that “morals aren’t real” “right and wrong isn’t real” these are things i value a lot and have a very strong sense of these. and these thoughts bother me because im scared to believe them. and idk i feel like no one has this theme at all and the e people i saw with it haven’t recovered or at least i haven’t seen any recoveries. i feel like im losing my values so idk what to do, because i really don’t want that it’s so hard to resist compulsions im scared 😭

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 44w ago

So I did "recover" from this theme in the sense that it went away or changed from. And it went away when I just let myself feel the terror/sadness that came from those thoughts. And by "let myself feel" means I didn't intellectualize my feelings or explain them. I just repeated to myself: I feel sad. In my body, the sadness feels like_______ (name body sensations) and I leaned into the anxiety the same way like "I'm rubbing my feet together because I am anxious. I don't want to rub my feet. My toes actually feel irritated from rubbing. My feet feel sweaty from the anxiety." I did this instead of saying "oh the fact I feel sad still shows I have morals!" Or "oh I didn't react to that thought so I must be losing my values". Both of those are compulsions and examples of my brain "testing" me to see if the feelings I don't like are still there. I mentioned earlier in this thread of saying "maybe/maybe not" or "why can't the opposite be true? Why do I only believe the bad outcome?" (In this case, losing your values). And sometimes I have to repeat that to myself several times in my head before my brain gets bored with it, but I have to add something to it to make it not compulsive like "what if I lose my morals? I might! But I still have to do these dishes. Why? I don't know! I don't have to know. But I do know I need clean forks to eat. What if I ate off a dirty fork? Well I could get sick....and blah blah blah" you have to keep giving your brain uncertainty and sit with the unpleasant feeling (meaning just acknowledge it. Like "wow that made me feel shitty. Like my stomach hurts now and I feel that my hands are sweaty") and do nothing. No distracting. No trying to fix it. Just repeating the body sensations you feel as a result of the feeling you recognized. When it's just too much and I'm having too hard of a time fighting, I will literally schedule time to obsess and compulse lol. Like "alright I'm going to let myself freak out about this from 10:15-10:30. I'm going to reassurance seek on reddit and NOCD and Google all that I can about the thoughts I'm having and read as much as I can for 30 minutes. Then, I'm going to go check the mail. Eventually your brain realizes these thoughts aren't threats but it will literally carve a new path of horror as a result. Spoiler Alert: All paths lead to the core problem: a fear of not being in control of yourself (in many ways) or your life and the events in it.

Username: freshpandafreshpanda

Date posted: 44w ago

@Cisforcaro Thank you so much 🫶

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 2y ago

I've had this. I read a triggering news story once and it lead me down this path. Also, I beat it and I remind myself of that, but I'm having a now 2 week long spike I can't seem to shake. Are you medicated? This extreme anxiety usually came from not taking my medication faithfully (missing days at a time) or from needing a higher dose.

Username: enoughocdenoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

Thanks for sharing your experience 🙏. Yes I’m on lexapro 10mg and have been on it since April now but prior to that I was on it for 13 years but decided to stop because I felt that it wasn’t helping anymore ( big mistake ) then I started taking it again in April but it just seems to numb my emotions and my depersonalisation/ derealisation are still there and when I increased the dose , I felt like a complete Zombie! While it’s helped with my depression , it hasn’t really done much for the anxiety and I’m getting worse by day ! I constantly feel like I have disappeared out of this world and one thing that really triggers me is whenever I think about myself , I feel extremely anxious because I’m or sure if I’m still alive which has lead me to believe that I’m slipping into psychosis or schizophrenia and this is one of my worst fears 🥲🥲

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 2y ago

I share this fear. I share it right now. I block any post on here that mentions the word schizophrenia. I've been told all the logical things "if you were schizophrenic, you wouldn't know." "You wouldn't question it." "Schizophrenia is actually rare" "schizophrenia at my age is rare (35)" All of those statements helped momentarily, but they don't help in the long run. Not even right now. I can have an OCD spike about any other theme but it will slowly mutate into my old schizophrenia fears. I've called my psychiatrist crying saying I was so sure I was and he said I wasn't everytime. Still I fear it. You can try "maybe/maybe not" but remember, that does not make it a 50/50 chance. I also say "why can't the opposite be true? Why do I only believe the bad outcome?" This is a hard theme. They all are. And I've pretzeled my brain back to it every time. But I've also come out of it several times. Sometimes with medication and sometimes without. It's staying longer than I am currently used to, so that upsets me, but it will change.

Username: enoughocdenoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

@Cisforcaro Thank you so much for your feedback 🙏🙏🙏it has given me some relief to know that my condition is stemming from something else other than psychosis! But like you said when I feel that everything’s unreal and unsure if existence that’s when I go back and tell myself that it’s definitely the S word… also just to reassure you , my doctor told me that it’s very uncommon to develop this illness after the age of 25 so I would like to think we’re safe 🙏🙏

Username: enoughocdenoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

@Cisforcaro What medication are you on?

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 2y ago

@enoughocd I have kids too, and I know the feeling is so scary. It's the worst. But it does go away. (And I'm typing all this and I know these things to be true and my mean little OCD side is going "no you're screwed this time. You will never feel better.")

Username: CisforcaroCisforcaro

Date posted: 2y ago

@enoughocd Sertraline. I started at 100mg for 4 years, then 150mg for 4 years. Now I am on 200mg. My sister has been on 250mg before during her divorce. And yes of course OCD is saying that it's not working anymore and I can't go any higher and that I'll have to change and what if I have psychosis if I change meds...ocd is relentless and is so hard to shut up.

Username: enoughocdenoughocd

Date posted: 2y ago

@Cisforcaro I really feel your pain 😞and I often wonder if I’m at better and I just don’t know it ? My doctor wants to switch me to Lovan or fluoxetine but the problem is when I started to cut down off lexapro so I can ween off it , within a couple of days my depression hit back twice a ma hard then I quickly wen t back on the full tablet so now I’m in a position where I can’t take lexapro because it’s not working for my ocd it I can’t stop it because it’s working for my depression but I know that I have to stop lexapro because everyone says that both Zoloft and Lovan are golden treatments for OCD . I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow for my first session of ERP which is going to be extremely difficult because my OCD is purely in the head so him exposing me to my worst fears is going to be challenging. Thanks again for weighing in and I hope you start to feel better soon 😊😘

Username: hrlY hrlY

Date posted: 43w ago

Hello I've been experiencing this type of ocd they main ones I can't get out of my head is what if everyone isn't real or what if im dead and just don't remember it's making me panic i don't know what to do I've been so stressed anxious and upset.

Username: 12345678910

Date posted: 1y ago

depersonalization and fear of going crazy

hi! I really need someone to help out right now. I would appreciate it so much. Thanks:) I know this is kind of long, but please help me out and read it. please help confirm for me that the symptoms im experiencing are just extreme existential OCD, depersonalization, and anxiety. it would make me feel a lot better. 7-8 months ago a traumatic event led me to experience severe depersonalization. ive had OCD for as long as i can remember basically, but it’s become a lot worse from this. i am a very big overthinker, so i tend to over analyze a lot of the things going on around me, my perception of everything, my thoughts, etc. it’s gotten so bad because of the depersonalization that i at times really can’t function anymore. one day, all i’ll be able to think about is the irrational fear that i somehow am going to die and there’s something terribly wrong with my brain, like cancer or something. then the next, i’ll be freaking out, worrying that im gonna go crazy. like this is some kind of early onset schizophrenia. i start doing research and i start obsessing over each and every thought i have, everything i see, etc. then i’ll be paranoid about my family, worrying that none of them are real and they’re imposters or something. i know it’s irrational. i recognize that and don’t genuinely believe it. but the fact that this thought worries me concerns me even more because it leads me to believe im going crazy. i am having existential crises regularly. like, all the time. it’s actually ridiculous. i’ll be reading a book and i start contemplating the English language and how it came to be, and then language altogether, and then how humans were able to create and understand language, and then how they were able to sound it out, how sound exists altogether, and so on. lol. like what the hell? a few days ago i was looking out of my bedroom window, and all the sudden had the intrusive thought come into my head, “what if this is just a simulation and what you see outside of your window is merely a two dimensional image?” and then i almost had a full on panic attack. anyways, those are some examples. i’m so worried. i feel like i have no control over what freaks me out anymore. i feel like i have no control of my brain altogether. i don’t want to go crazy. i don’t want to feel like im stuck in a dream anymore. im so scared. somebody please help me. i live my life in fear, worrying about everything i perceive. im exhausted. i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want them to worry, or think that im going crazy. that’ll only reinforce my fears.

Username: enoughocd

Date posted: 1y ago

Existential ocd/depersonalisation

If anyone on this forum is experiencing what I’m experiencing please share your thoughts & experiences with me 🙏. I believe that I have gone insane with the awaful existential thoughts I’m having… I feel like I’m constantly looking for myself , questioning where I am , am I real? Is the world real? Am in a purgatory? What is I’m dead and I don’t know? I’ve become so unsure of myself and of everything around me , I’m constantly doubting reality , I feel so disconnected and feel as though my brain is falling a part and only little parts of it are functioning … I feel trapped inside my own head it’s like own head it’s like I want to escape out my head but I can’t and that triggers severe anxiety. What if I have already hurt someone & I wasn’t aware ?I have forgotten what it’s like to think and live like a normal person ! In fact my brain is now wired to think and live with my awful thoughts 🥲. I can’t cry or react to any happiness or sadness , I often worry that if something happens to someone I love , I won’t be able to show emotion … taking Lexapro but it’s not helping it helps with the depression but not with the intrusive or anxious thoughts. Another reason why I think I’m going mad is for example I’ll be driving on the highway then a truck drives past me, immediately I picture that I had a car accident and I’m not sure if I’m dead or a live because I’m so depersonalised that I don’t know if I’m still here . The hatred at part is trying to explain to a therapist what and how I’m feeling hence I’m reaching out to anyone on this forum who can relate and share their thoughts with me please 🙏

Username: enoughocd

Date posted: 40w ago

Existential ocd /harm ocd

Hi all , please comment if you’re experiencing what I’m about to share . I am going through a very tough time with existential fears & very frightening thoughts to a point where the thought of myself sends me into a spiral. I ask myself “am I even existing right now as I’m typing this” “ how do I know that I’m not already dead or in a purgatory “how do I confirm that I even exist” what if I’ve already died and this is what death feels like “ nothing & no one around me feels real , I look at my kids & my husband & question their existence. I’ve also been suffering from severe depersonalisation/derealisation & I don’t know which one is triggering the other ! I also suffer from harm ocd where I’m forever worrying that I might lose control & harm my family whom I love to bits & I’m always battling the nightmare inside me that makes me believe that I’ve already hurt them but I just don’t know it … I’m on lexapro & have been for two years but I find that all it does is numb my emotions, I can’t cry & at times worry that if sharpens to someone I love , I may not be able to cry or show emotions . I am convinced that I’ve developed schizophrenia 🥲🥲 which has always been my worst fear! Or that I’ve gone psychotic without realising . I cannot see myself out of this hole & my brain had forgotten what being a normal person once felt like 🥲🥲. I was seeing a psychologist and he did ERP with me but sadly that did Not help so I stopped seeing him altogether & lost faith in therapy altogether ! Sorry this is a very long post but I just want to know that someone out there is experiencing the same symptoms and has gotten over it through ERP or other medication ? Because I feel like I’m the only one suffering from this debilitating illness and there’s no way out!

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