“Friend” used my OCD against me

It hasn’t even been a week since my boyfriend broke up with me because of my OCD and depression cocktail. He said that the breakup wasn’t out of him not loving me anymore, but because he and his family had already dealt with very strong mental health issues in the past and that a) he couldn’t bear seeing me hurting all of the time and b) he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be “my nurse”. Then he said that I shouldn’t blame myself because depression and OCD are never anyone’s fault. I’ve tried to be very understanding: I do believe one has a right to decide what one wants in their partner. He doesn’t want a partner with mental health issues, I can understand that. I can also understand that these five months since my OCD made itself known have been very hard on him. But, I also feel so betrayed. He used to nitpick the word “love” so much and reflect on what it actually meant to love. He said loving someone was choosing to stay with them during the good times and the bad. This is absolutely the worst bad time in my entire life. And he said, and also said it to my mother, that he would stick with me through it all. Now five months later, he’s changed his mind. I don’t get how he can say he still loves me and abandon me when I most need love and support. If it’s not my fault like he says, why leave me? He said he still wants to be in my life—at a safe distance, where he can’t see all the ugly parts of what OCD and depression can do to a person. All of this makes me feel as if I wasn’t worth the effort of dealing with everything. Then that’s not love is it? I also feel very lonely as the only people that know about my OCD were him and my parents. He made himself into one of my biggest pillars of support, and shaped our lives so that he could always be with me. So we’re in the same classes, and although we share friends I’ve always felt that they entertained me because I was his girlfriend. As for my closer friends, I’ve felt that I was drifting apart from them and although I’ve furtively mentioned my problems with OCD to them, they either don’t care to ask or aren’t really sure how to talk to me. I feel so alone. And now my “number one supporter” has left, and it angers me very much. Especially because I’ve been the one to calm him down and give him hugs and explained what topics we saw in the class he missed the day after we broke up. I’m the one that convinced him to eat three cookies for dinner because he didn’t want to eat. And I’m the one that had to tell him that friends don’t wish each other a great night every night, like we used to do. It seemed like he wanted things to stay the same but without the relationship part of kissing and dealing with my panic attacks. It feels it’s kind of unfair because he’s not without issues and I didn’t judge him once and always tried to be there for him, and the single biggest issue I have ever had was too much for him. The vengeful part of me wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I hope he understands his decision has consequences and that he can’t be with me in the same way he was— especially now that I know that he leaves at my most critical, vulnerable moments. I’m writing this while mad. But I know later I’ll feel sad and more understanding and want to be friends with him again. And then I’ll get mad again. And so on. I know this is just a really tough situation however you look at it. But I’m still overwhelmed by the thought that if OCD had never struck, we might still be together. I also deserve some love and support 😔 Thank you if you read all the way till here. I’m sorry if it was a long read, but I’m very thankful. Nowadays it feels like NOCD is one of my remaining sources of support. I’m very grateful for everyone on here, I hope all of you have a great day and that it’s a victory against this accursed mental disorder

Hi. I am going through something really hard right now, and I could use some insight, especially from others who deal with OCD and morality-based spirals. There was a time during a really emotional conversation with my boyfriend when he said something incredibly painful. He said something like he only felt lust for me but did not feel love anymore. I was completely crushed. It felt like everything I believed about our relationship was ripped out from under me. In that moment, I told him that what he said felt like rape. I want to be really clear. I knew even then that it was not a good or accurate comparison. It was not assault. I was trying to express how emotionally violated and broken I felt, and that word came out. I even labeled it directly, not just compared it, and that is what has been haunting me. I feel like I kept going along with it, not because I wanted to lie or manipulate, but because I felt like if I backed down from it, he would not understand the depth of how hurt I was. He didn’t seem to understand any other way. Later, when we tried to be intimate again, I told him not to touch me. And even though a part of me did want closeness, I still felt like I had to react that way, like I had to follow through with what I had said earlier. I wanted so bad for him to understand the impact of his words. That part is killing me. It makes me feel like I was not being authentic, that I was performing a reaction instead of living it. I feel like I acted like a survivor when I was not one, and I hate myself for that. Now, OCD is eating me alive over it. It keeps telling me I am a liar, a manipulator, and someone who cannot be trusted. And it feels so real. But I also know I was hurting. I was not trying to deceive anyone. I was just overwhelmed, desperate to be understood, and probably influenced by years of invalidation from my family over almost everything. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and apologized. He told me he understands and forgives me. But I cannot forgive myself, and I do not know if what I did is forgivable. Has anyone ever been in a similar place? I feel so so awful this was 3 years ago. Now I feel like I can’t trust any of my emotions. I’m analyzing every reaction, past and present, trying to decide if it was “real enough” or if I was somehow dishonest. It feels like OCD has completely hijacked my sense of self. Please help :(

I’ve posted this under a comment before, but if anyone has the time to read it and maybe share their experience or tips with me, I would really appreciate it. This is just kind of the reason why Idk if I only have OCD or if I should get checked for BPD aswell as emotional dependency is (as far as I know) not a common symptom of OCD and neither are excessive changes in emotions/moods. I think the worst part my situation is that one of my biggest and most damaging if not destructive obsessions I developed earlier this year was this constant fear that my friend would lie to me about meeting up with a boy she liked (we are both girls and queer, she didn’t know that about me until recently, but I’ve known that she is and we both sort of crushed on each other). Not just lie, but do it behind my back, keep it a secret, and then maybe even end our friendship without saying anything. And the thing is... that basically happened. Two weeks ago she started acting strange one day out of nowhere, and then I found out (through another friend) that he was coming over to her place. We had already talked about this before, I had cried in front of her and confessed how much it hurt me. I know doing that probably wasn’t the healthiest thing, but my emotions completely overwhelmed me in that moment. And even though nothing physical happened between them, it still felt like a betrayal. I’m not saying it was cheating, obviously not, we’re not in a relationship and it is unfair of me to try and tell her who or not to date, but it still hurts. Especially as weeks ago, we already had a detailed conversation about this. She told me she didn’t actually like him that much, and that if they were going to meet again, she’d be honest with me about it. But instead of being honest that day, she said nothing. Worse, she suddenly stopped talking to me, which made me think I had done something wrong so I completely lost my mind. She knows I’m emotionally dependent on her to some extent, so when she goes cold or distant, I spiral. And that day, I saw them talking and going quiet as I walked by, and then she literally turned to walk into a different direction. I don’t know why but it just crushed me. I thought she was mad at me, and I just felt like I was being shut out and lied to. And as I’ve mentioned, later that day, after eight hours of crying, another friend told me what really happened. She even drove me to her place so we could talk. We did talk, but since then, we haven’t had any contact. And it’s driving me absolutely insane. She told me it would be “people-pleasing” if she didn’t try to date him. And I know she’s kind of right, but she still lied to me. She didn’t care if that meant that she would throw away our friendship, or at least she treated it like it was worth less than a potential (!) relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, didn’t even respond when she told him she had feelings for him. It’s honestly devastating. I feel betrayed, discarded, and totally lost and I know I can’t even logically be mad at her as the reason she didn’t tell me is obvious and as a good friend I should just be happy for her, but my emotional side is so much stronger than my logic.