I am a woman, my partner is a man. Two nights ago I was at a house party / movie night with my friends while my partner was at work. Many of the people there are also mutual friends of my partnerās. They all know my partner and I talk about him frequently.
One of the people there was a (male) mutual friend who came over to my apartment beforehand to pick me up, waited for a few minutes while I finished up some chores around the apartment, and then we went shopping to pick up food and supplies for the party.
During the party, this friend got EXTREMELY drunk. He was saying some pretty outlandish/unfiltered stuff the whole night about the movie were watching, laughing uncontrollably on the floor, that kind of stuff.
I donāt drink, so I was 100% fully sober the entire time. The party pretty much consisted of everyone sitting on the couch for the whole night, watching movies and eating pizza and drinking.
I do remember there being a point where I was kind of sunk back on the couch, the friend was sat next to me, and we made eye contact and he said something (I canāt remember what) and I remember feeling like we was a little too close for comfort. This must have lasted for less than a minute (everyone was kind of squeezed together on the couch since there were lots of us and a pretty small couch).
I remember there being another point where his leg/foot grazed my leg, so I recoiled instantly, and then it happened again and I kept moving my leg away so we werenāt touching. Iām fairly certain that this was a complete mistake, as like I said, there were lots of people squeezed together on one couch, and he was very uncoordinated.
Finally it was getting too late, so I called my partner and asked him if he could come pick me up since he was on the way back from work. While on the phone, several people at the party were yelling āHIā to my partner over the phone (pretty much everyone there was also friends with him). Then this friend, who like I said was VERY VERY drunk by this point), yelled (to my partner over the phone) something like, āYOU CAN HAVE MY SLOPPY SECONDS.ā
I was very very very caught off guard and confused. I instantly hung up the phone because I didnāt want my partner to get the wrong idea that there was something going on. After I hung up, the friend said āOh come on Iām sure he would have found that very funny!ā
I was very bothered for the rest of the night and then went home shortly after, when my partner picked me up. The entire ride home, I kept replaying those words in my head over and over again, and I kept replaying the whole night over and over in my head, wondering if something had happened between us and Iād somehow forgotten within minutes or hours??
For the entirety of the next day, and the day after that, I keep ruminating on that night and trying to replay all the events that happened, what order they happened in, what exactly I remember, etc. I have absolutely no idea why my friend said that over the phone, especially since neither of us has ever expressed any sort of romantic or sexual interest in one another. When we met, I had already been with my partner for well over a year, and I talk about my partner frequently.
My partner is also friends with this friend, and the three of us have had some good times together. This friend is also absolutely NOT the type of person to be sleazy, a womanizer, a homewrecker, etc.
Perhaps Iām leaning into stereotypes too much here, but I should note that pretty much everyone at the party (including this friend) has mild to moderate autistic tendencies, and the friend group was brought together because we all met in a heavily anime/DnD/politics based club at a university.
I say all this to illustrate that the atmosphere at the āpartyā was definitely NOT the type of atmosphere where anybody was hooking up, hitting on each other, flirting, etc in any way (of course Iām not saying that people in these demographics canāt hook up, but just that it was a cozy movie night with respectful friends, not some sort of crazy party).
Itās the third day after the party now, and Iām still ruminating on this. I still have no idea why heād say that, and Iāve replayed it so many times in my head that Iām wondering if maybe I just imagined it, or misheard it, or maybe he didnāt know what that phrase meant, or maybe I misinterpreted it or something.
I mean, we were showing a mature cartoon movie that night that both me and this friend absolutely love, and both of us were making jokes all night about being attracted to several of the characters in the movie. Some of the jokes this friend was making about the characters were very sexual, so maybe his comment had something to do with that? Maybe he was extrapolating some sort of āsloppy secondsā meaning from the characters to me?? Iām not sure.
Either way, Iāve been sitting, replaying and ruminating for days and of course Iāve fabricated lots of false memories. Iāve run through all the possibilities. Did I kiss the friend? Did we cuddle on the couch? Did he have his arm around me? What if, in those few minutes that we were alone in my apartment before we left, what if I took him into the bedroom and did something with him while my partner was gone? I do remember having intrusive thoughts about THAT before he even came over.
Iāve been dealing with on-and-off ROCD for the entire 3 years that my partner and I have been together, and it always ends up coming back to an obsession related to cheating and false memories. Itās so hard to know whatās real and what isnāt, especially since itās so easy for me to picture these things happening in my head.
Iāve been absolutely lost in unrealistic obsession-induced delusions before, to the point where there was a time where I was legitimately convinced that I had cheated on my partner with a friend 18 months prior, and even went as far as messaging this friend to ask if anything had happened between us. Of course the answer was no, and things were so awkward after that.
I just donāt really know what to do. I keep imagining scenarios where me and this friend were getting handsy or touchy, and Iām starting to come up with so many false memories. Itās stressing me out and I keep compulsively replaying them.
What bothers me is that when he made the sloppy seconds comment, I remember feeling some sort of guilt that almost felt like it was already there? Like preexisting guilt? Which leads me to wonder why I already had felt guilty if I hadnāt done anything? I even feel like I almost remember there being a point during that night where I thought something along the lines of āOkay, Iāll allow this.ā And I am so confused and trying to figure out what I was allowing.
It feels very difficult to enjoy time with my partner when I have this fear in the back of my mind that Iāve cheated. Every time I try to conjure up a memory of me cheating with this person though, I always come up with a different one and none of them make any sense. What was said between us, what was done, etc? I keep making up the details as I go.
The other thing is: every single person at that party knows my partner and respects/likes him. Surely if we were doing something inappropriate, someone would have said something? Surely I would have felt worried that someone would tell my partner? Surely Iād feel anxious by now about my partner finding out?
I donāt know: deep down, I think I know itās a false memory. But the situation feels so weird and unsettling that Iām considering either talking to my partner about it or confronting this friend. My next therapy session isnāt for another 2.5 weeks.
