Hey y’all, I have been struggling with OCD since I was 3. When I was 3-14 I was scared that something bad would happen to me if I had something spilled on my shirt, or if I threw anything away (superstition). It sounds terrible, but I would give anything to go back to have obsessions about that. After my freshman year of high school I developed Hocd probably due to the fact that all I wanted was boys attention yet I wasn’t very pretty so they didn’t give me any and all of my friends were very pretty and they got all the boys attention and my best friend was dating the guy I had a crush on. I eventually conquered Hocd (or so I thought). I was happy, normal, loved flirting with boys, would get incredibly anxious when I liked a boy and they left me on read or opened a Snapchat and didn’t respond, I love boys I always have! In fact, my friends and I would constantly swoon over boys. When the hunger games came out I became incredibly obsessed with josh hutcherson I remember I would listen to Brittany Spears and imagine doing stuff with him (like sexually) which is really cringey to think about haha. Anyway, my senior year of high school was amazing I had my first boyfriend since the 8th grade (he was my first love) I thought I might marry him then ROCD came running into my head. I would constantly compare my boyfriend to other men and would freak out if I found another man attractive! That eventually went away and I broke it off with him when I had no anxiety and had no current obsession (I DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM WHILE I WAS EXPERIENCING ROCD). I had the greatest summer (last summer) it was amazing, I took trips around the world, hung out with my friends, met many boys who I liked (some I even hooked up with ?) sorry for the brief tmi. Then I got to college everything was fine and dandy I loved it here I was hot shit essentially (also bad to say) all the boys were swooning and I loved it. I was engulfed in a flood of men and I was so happy, so confident and so narcissistic haha! I then met the most amazing, sweetest, most caring man I have ever come to know. So as you can imagine we started dating, fell head over heels for him...literally OBSESSED with him to this day (when I’m not consciously thinking about attraction, I realize how hot and handsome he is like when I get a quick glance but it never lasts too long considering my OCD takes over again). Everything was good until the start of the new year when I lost my best friend (my grandma) to cancer. It was devastating she truly was everything I want to be when I grow up. She was caring, everyone loved her. I then came down with ROCD again which was devastating at the time (I wish I could switch my theme back to that again lol) I loved this man, he was everything I ever wanted, brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, muscular build and an American soldier. I struggled with ROCD with my current boyfriend for about a month then I remember waking up one Friday and saying no, turning on my favorite YouTuber, cleaning the dorm room and by not acknowledging my thoughts as truths I became healed it was amazing (this kind of mind over matter thing is extremely difficult and often times ineffective but it worked this time). I then developed an eating disorder which was an obsession I had had previously (I was obsessed that I would become fat), though I still am extremely conscious about what I put into my body, I am no longer obsessive. All while battling my fat obsession I also would obsess about whether I was pregnant or not. I would literally be in line to get a coffee and I would look at the barista and I would think to myself “wow she’s so lucky she’s not pregnant she has her whole life to look forward to” (I would do anything to have this obsession again). Anyway along with the pregnant obsession I would take tests and they would come out negative but I would never believe them, furthermore I would get my period (my periods are always light and always have been) and think it was implantation bleeding. So eventually the pregnancy obsession subsided and now we are here, my uncle died about a month and a half ago in which I didn’t have a huge reaction, he was a great man and a great friend, but I was so shell shocked by my grandmas death that it hadn’t hit me he had died at the time of his passing. I have now come back down into the deep hole of HOCD, I can always sense when I’m about to have an episode of extreme obsessions and compulsions. I know I’m only obsessing because major life events have recently happened and are about to happen for me (my uncle died, my boyfriends leaving for air assault school, I’m moving back home after my first year of college etc.). What hurts the most is that, I look at the I swear to God love of my life and I sometimes over analyze and cannot feel anything for him. I cannot be around my friends that are girls because I constantly question whether or not I am attracted to them. I know I am not deep down because when you’re attracted to someone you don’t have to ask yourself if you are, YOU JUST ARE. Kind of like I JUST am attracted to my boyfriend. Honestly just typing it out makes me realize my thoughts are irrational. Sometimes I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin. Two nights ago I told my boyfriend about my condition and even more specifically hocd he didn’t care and said he’ll love me forever and ensured me we are going to get married (every now and again I’ll have moments of clarity and I’ll get all excited thinking wow I am going to be a mom and a wife to my husband someday, then the HOCD sets in again of course). I just don’t feel like myself, I’m not super anxious anymore, I’m not having panic attack’s or anything which makes the thoughts feel real, I know logically what I am expirencing is the back door affect and that I will eventually return back to normal where I can hang out with my friends and not question if I want to kiss or do anything sexual with them (it disturbs me to even type it out), and my extreme attraction to my man will return. It’s just freaking hard, I know y’all know what I’m talking about one second you feel up to idk going to the gym or walking outside, the next you just feel like you wanna crawl out of your skin. I totally feel you guys. This disorder is not for the weak, if you have OCD you are strong, you will get through this. I have learned to accept my thoughts as they come, but they make me feel extremely gross. I used to love hanging out with the girls, you know, grabbing a coffee, going shopping etc. I cannot do that currently due to my mental state, but I will eventually. I guess I’m just writing down my thoughts because it makes me feel relieved. If anyone can relate to this excruciatingly long post let me know haha! P.S I know this is all over the place

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!