Hey y’all, I have been struggling with OCD since I was 3. When I was 3-14 I was scared that something bad would happen to me if I had something spilled on my shirt, or if I threw anything away (superstition). It sounds terrible, but I would give anything to go back to have obsessions about that. After my freshman year of high school I developed Hocd probably due to the fact that all I wanted was boys attention yet I wasn’t very pretty so they didn’t give me any and all of my friends were very pretty and they got all the boys attention and my best friend was dating the guy I had a crush on. I eventually conquered Hocd (or so I thought). I was happy, normal, loved flirting with boys, would get incredibly anxious when I liked a boy and they left me on read or opened a Snapchat and didn’t respond, I love boys I always have! In fact, my friends and I would constantly swoon over boys. When the hunger games came out I became incredibly obsessed with josh hutcherson I remember I would listen to Brittany Spears and imagine doing stuff with him (like sexually) which is really cringey to think about haha. Anyway, my senior year of high school was amazing I had my first boyfriend since the 8th grade (he was my first love) I thought I might marry him then ROCD came running into my head. I would constantly compare my boyfriend to other men and would freak out if I found another man attractive! That eventually went away and I broke it off with him when I had no anxiety and had no current obsession (I DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM WHILE I WAS EXPERIENCING ROCD). I had the greatest summer (last summer) it was amazing, I took trips around the world, hung out with my friends, met many boys who I liked (some I even hooked up with ?) sorry for the brief tmi. Then I got to college everything was fine and dandy I loved it here I was hot shit essentially (also bad to say) all the boys were swooning and I loved it. I was engulfed in a flood of men and I was so happy, so confident and so narcissistic haha! I then met the most amazing, sweetest, most caring man I have ever come to know. So as you can imagine we started dating, fell head over heels for him...literally OBSESSED with him to this day (when I’m not consciously thinking about attraction, I realize how hot and handsome he is like when I get a quick glance but it never lasts too long considering my OCD takes over again). Everything was good until the start of the new year when I lost my best friend (my grandma) to cancer. It was devastating she truly was everything I want to be when I grow up. She was caring, everyone loved her. I then came down with ROCD again which was devastating at the time (I wish I could switch my theme back to that again lol) I loved this man, he was everything I ever wanted, brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, muscular build and an American soldier. I struggled with ROCD with my current boyfriend for about a month then I remember waking up one Friday and saying no, turning on my favorite YouTuber, cleaning the dorm room and by not acknowledging my thoughts as truths I became healed it was amazing (this kind of mind over matter thing is extremely difficult and often times ineffective but it worked this time). I then developed an eating disorder which was an obsession I had had previously (I was obsessed that I would become fat), though I still am extremely conscious about what I put into my body, I am no longer obsessive. All while battling my fat obsession I also would obsess about whether I was pregnant or not. I would literally be in line to get a coffee and I would look at the barista and I would think to myself “wow she’s so lucky she’s not pregnant she has her whole life to look forward to” (I would do anything to have this obsession again). Anyway along with the pregnant obsession I would take tests and they would come out negative but I would never believe them, furthermore I would get my period (my periods are always light and always have been) and think it was implantation bleeding. So eventually the pregnancy obsession subsided and now we are here, my uncle died about a month and a half ago in which I didn’t have a huge reaction, he was a great man and a great friend, but I was so shell shocked by my grandmas death that it hadn’t hit me he had died at the time of his passing. I have now come back down into the deep hole of HOCD, I can always sense when I’m about to have an episode of extreme obsessions and compulsions. I know I’m only obsessing because major life events have recently happened and are about to happen for me (my uncle died, my boyfriends leaving for air assault school, I’m moving back home after my first year of college etc.). What hurts the most is that, I look at the I swear to God love of my life and I sometimes over analyze and cannot feel anything for him. I cannot be around my friends that are girls because I constantly question whether or not I am attracted to them. I know I am not deep down because when you’re attracted to someone you don’t have to ask yourself if you are, YOU JUST ARE. Kind of like I JUST am attracted to my boyfriend. Honestly just typing it out makes me realize my thoughts are irrational. Sometimes I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin. Two nights ago I told my boyfriend about my condition and even more specifically hocd he didn’t care and said he’ll love me forever and ensured me we are going to get married (every now and again I’ll have moments of clarity and I’ll get all excited thinking wow I am going to be a mom and a wife to my husband someday, then the HOCD sets in again of course). I just don’t feel like myself, I’m not super anxious anymore, I’m not having panic attack’s or anything which makes the thoughts feel real, I know logically what I am expirencing is the back door affect and that I will eventually return back to normal where I can hang out with my friends and not question if I want to kiss or do anything sexual with them (it disturbs me to even type it out), and my extreme attraction to my man will return. It’s just freaking hard, I know y’all know what I’m talking about one second you feel up to idk going to the gym or walking outside, the next you just feel like you wanna crawl out of your skin. I totally feel you guys. This disorder is not for the weak, if you have OCD you are strong, you will get through this. I have learned to accept my thoughts as they come, but they make me feel extremely gross. I used to love hanging out with the girls, you know, grabbing a coffee, going shopping etc. I cannot do that currently due to my mental state, but I will eventually. I guess I’m just writing down my thoughts because it makes me feel relieved. If anyone can relate to this excruciatingly long post let me know haha! P.S I know this is all over the place