Givenup

Date posted: 2y

No hope at the end of this tunnel

What’s there to even hope for? Because it feels like there is no hope at all for me… my POCD, HOCD, and real events OCD connected to the two subtypes hurts me so much… I am in agony and in constant anguish every single day… and people ignore me in real life… people block me on here… people say they will always be there and never are… what is there to hope for? If I disappeared right now… I would prevent so many peoples pain… if I ceased to live right now… then people would be happy… people would laugh… people wouldn’t care and want me gone… for my POCD and real events OCD based on porn when I was 17-18, and extremely horrible real events when I was 13… my HOCD feels so real too… like it makes me feel like I want it when I don’t… I hate my life so much…

jag92

Date posted: 2y

Things will get better!

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 No they won’t…

jag92

Date posted: 2y

They will! Have you tried therapy? Or medication?

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 No… I don’t have the money… What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭 It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts… I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…

jag92

Date posted: 2y

It was in the past I don’t know the circumstances but live life to your values! Nothing can ever make you do anything you don’t want to do! You are in control of your life! I have HOCD and some POCD and ROCD but I’ve done a bit of therapy and I’m on sertriline but by living life to my values and letting the little ocd voice just live there and I just say to it ok come with me I’m not going to argue with you ….even though it seems irresponsible and wrong not to work out what it all means ….I’ve found it so much easier the last week or two when I’ve just drawn a line and chosen to live life to my values ….I too have past experiences but homosexual ones when I’ve been drunk and at the time I enjoyed it but as soon as I sobered up I felt sick to my stomach and thought it meant something and ocd keeps latching onto that ….but just try to draw a line and live life to your values! Often intrusive thoughts are the opposite of the person you really are! You were young at the time so you can’t let ocd latch onto things when you were young and didn’t understand things! Just try to live life to your values and things will get better! Don’t try to argue with ocd it will make it worse

jag92

Date posted: 2y

Do you have Instagram? Follow pureochrissie and look at her most recent post!

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 My real events OCD connected to POCD that’s based on extremely horrible real events I did when I was 13 were extremely horrible… I had no idea how extremely horrible the real events were… I really didn’t… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

Comment deleted by user

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@🐝 I also have real events ocd connected to HOCD and POCD based on porn I watched when I was 17-18… I seriously just… I wish I ceased to exist…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@🐝 My real events OCD connected to POCD that's based on extremely horrible real events I did when I was 13 were extremely horrible... I had no idea how extremely horrible the real events were… I really didn't… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn't realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time... now I'm 20... my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events while my mom reassures me all the time that it's all over, that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone's similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form. i didn't know how horrible the real events were when I was 13... I really didn't..

jag92

Date posted: 2y

You keep posting exactly the same thing? And not responded to any of the help we’ve tried to give? So I can’t try helping you anymore

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 I have… it’s been a really triggering day for me… I’ve already followed Chrissie and I’ve done everything I can… it’s just so triggering for me…

jag92

Date posted: 2y

Stay strong! It’ll get better! Try doing ERP on your own if you can’t afford therapy! The info on this app is really good! But definitely check out Chrissies last post it made me think of you! Have you tried medication?

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 I don’t have any more or any insurance for medication, let alone a diagnosis… I also have been trying erp, but I also have HOCD and real events OCD connected POCD and HOCD based on porn as well… so that doesn’t make things better… I have no means of anyone actually diagnosing me… at all… which is why I compulsively post like this… what else am I supposed to do…

jag92

Date posted: 2y

I think the fact that you are compulsively posting and questioning shows you must have ocd…..the amount of times I’ve denied my diagnosis because of porn and past homosexual events but as soon as I just started agreeing with the thoughts and tried doing RP to exposures in everyday life I’ve felt a lot better…I still don’t feel normal but I think it’s learning to live with the ocd and just live to your values and things start to feel better

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 I’m not even diagnosed… you can imagine how that must feel for me… especially because of real events OCD connected to HOCD and POCD… I get intrusive thoughts of doing stuff with guys and kids when I don’t ever want to ever do stuff with guys and kids… intrusive feelings in regards to HOCD that make it feel so real… and making me think I’m in denial with the lack of anxious feelings on occasion, not making me feel like I want to puke, or intrusive groinals…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 This place is the only source of therapy I have…

jag92

Date posted: 2y

I’m in the UK so don’t have insurance so I’ve had to work extra shifts to afford to pay for the therapy

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@jag92 I’m in the US. No healthcare

Givenup

Date posted: 24w

Theres no hope for me

And i dont think there ever will be... im genuinely feeling horrible and i dont feel like ill ever recover from today... first the youtuber mocking pocd... to someone on NOCD telling me that im hiding behind a diagnosis and that i need to turn myself in... im genuinely at a loss for words... i am broken and alone... I have no one to turn to... and at this point i dont think i ever will...

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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