Hi, I downloaded this app on a whim and I realized I might have harm ocd. I thought it was my depression getting to me this whole time. Here's the pattern I've noticed. After a really good day or weekend when I've become very happy, I'll start to get intrusive thoughts about people insulting or slighting me in some way and me killing them to punish them. As the days go by the length of the intrusions increases dramatically, so that I'm spacing out for hours about graphic murder and suicide scenes that are very disturbing. They will end in one of two ways. The first is I will think to myself that I would actually do these things because I must, and then do a 180 and cry about how I don't want to hurt anyone or become a terrible person. The second is that my fury and wrath within the imagined scenario will become so intense that it's like an orgasm of rage jolts me awake, and then I become very upset about what kind of thoughts I was having and the fact that they completely stole all of my attention. Sometimes I find that I have been pacing or even running back and forth, because of all that fight or flight adrenaline that got worked up. By the end of the week I'm feeling deeply depressed if not suicidal. Because of the pattern that has emerged, it feels like my brain just won't allow me to enjoy life, like it has to sabotage me everytime I actually enjoy living, and I'm even starting to feel dread during happy times because happiness has come to mean the beginning of another emotional storm. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I'm not diagnosed with ocd, and I wanted to wait until I get a better job at the end of summer before I start visiting a psychiatrist. This app tells me to let those murder thoughts come. That seems outrageous to me. I don't want to think about killing people MORE. I thought about writing graphic lyrics and putting it to music in my band, but I worry that would be a selfish way to cope because then I would be planting those desires in people who might actually do them. I'm sure this got long so thanks if you read all this.

notfortalk

Date posted: 6y

Recognizing a pattern is the first step to learn how to manage it. Once you understand how that type of thoughts work you can prevent yourself from responding or act in a way that makes you spike. I know letting the thoughts be is hard, I'm struggling with it too, but that's the thing with therapy is hard at the beginning but then it gets gradually easier

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

I think some mindfulness could go a long way. Mindfulness is the practice of watching your thoughts float by without engaging in them. Seems like the biggest problem here is that you get so wrapped up in these fantasies that you can’t disengage. Try watching your thoughts for awhile each day, not just these violent thoughts but others too. Watch them go by, acknowledge them, and then return your attention back to yourself as you let them go. If you find your mind struggling to let go of one, that’s okay. Take a breath and try to refocus again. Many people take it back to their breath. The fact that this seems to spike for you during times of happiness makes sense because OCD works paradoxically: it makes you think about the exact thing you don’t want to. Good luck!

Glasscrow

Date posted: 6y

Thanks to both of you. I actually already practice mindfulness regularly. I guess it helps with unwanted thoughts a little bit, but these are not normal thoughts and I am not in a typical state of mind when it's happening. I mostly use it to help with moods when something real is wrong. I was mostly wondering if anyone else can relate because I'm new to ocd and was wondering if I should pursue a diagnosis with someone who specializes in it. I've already seen like 7 therapists in my lifetime so it's discouraging to have to keep searching for someone.

notfortalk

Date posted: 6y

I definitely would recommend seeing a specialist. Therapist are helpful but not all of them are specialized to treat disorders. A cbt/erp therapist is what's needed

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond