I don’t feel like I know myself anymore

*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.

I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.

the past few days have been so hard. I keep thinking about all of the proof from the past that i’ve never really liked boys and i was just pretending to be attracted to them cuz that’s what i thought was right. it’s been so hard because i’ve been trying to hang out with my boyfriend but i’ve just felt so anxious and confused 24/7 an i don’t know what to do about it. and I know that since it’s making me anxious and i can’t stop thinking about it, it has to be ocd but that doesn’t mean that the thought can’t be true. every time i tell myself that attraction doesn’t have to be a certain way and i can just like whoever i want without having to figure out why or if it’s real or not, I think back about all the proof from growing up that i haven’t ever liked boys. I feel like i’m so stuck and i just don’t know what to do. When i was younger, I remember never liking the magic mike movies and wondering why i wasn’t attracted to them. I remember wondering why i wasn’t attracted to certain characters in shows when everyone else was. And I remember having to justify to myself why it’s okay that i wasn’t attracted to them. Looking back at that now, it seems like i’ve just always been in denial all along. I know i’ve always had ocd and those could’ve been ocd thoughts then too, but they didn’t bother me a lot then so i feel like it was just denial. Also, i feel like all of my favorite male celebrities that I thought i was so attracted to, I’m not actually attracted to. I don’t feel attracted to them when they are shirtless, and I know i’ve always felt that way. So it feels like Im only attracted to their personalities. I know people are attracted to different things and personalities might just be what i am attracted to, But if I am attracted to a guys personality, I should’ve feel unattracted to them shirtless. I know i don’t have to feel more attracted to them shirtless, but i feel like the second they are shirtless Im not attracted to them at all. I know Im thinking too much into this and it’s just causing me to be so confused, but I just don’t know what to do. I also feel like i’ve always felt attraction towards masculine women. I don’t know if this is true or maybe I just always knew they were different from me and it wasn’t actually an attraction feeling. But I don’t care if i like women, and honestly i think I probably do, but what scares me is that i’m worried I don’t really like men. I’ve always obsessed over boy bands and certain characters in shows, and i feel like that could’ve just been me trying to convince myself i was attracted to men the whole time, even if i really wasn’t. I just need help. Does anyone else relate tho this or am i just crazy lol? And the overall feeling definitely feels the same as i’ve felt with other ocd themes, so i know ocd is involved, but I still think that there is actual proof from the past that i am just ignoring