Things I ACTUALLY did when I was younger (between 8-10 I think) loads of time. Which sounds like literal proof. Literally. When I got reminded of it I had anxiety and started to feel sick. I’m really scared.
That’s the hardest part of ocd is the past being “proof”. I just want to let you know you aren’t alone. I have some things from my past that are like BLARING proof that this isn’t ocd and it’s real.
@OCD33 I’m so scared. And sad. I just want to be old me. But even that feels like a lie. But thank you so much for letting me know I’m not alone. Hopefully I can sleep now
@Dothewalkoflife. People will say they know for sure it’s OCD and I can’t say that for sure or that “remember who you were before these thoughts”. Well I have had it since I can remember so what is actually the truth.
@Dothewalkoflife. BUT I am married and with a very supportive husband who knows these thoughts. So there is hope. Thoughts and feelings aren’t facts.
@OCD33 I’m so happy for you. That’s lovely to have. Do you happen to know if there’s any support, like videos for struggling with things from the past as proof ?
@Dothewalkoflife. I believe you will get through this. Are you in therapy? I will look at some of the ocd accounts I follow and see if I can find anything. But remember ocd feels so real. If it didn’t feel real, it wouldn’t be the disorder that it is. You deserve the life YOU want not what OCD wants.
@OCD33 Thank you so much. I’m not in therapy per se, but I’m speaking with a psychiatrist to try and get it all sorted. I’d appreciate anything anyone finds. Thank you
@Dothewalkoflife. Make sure you tell them what you are going through so they can help and support! That is wonderful that you reached out for support.
@OCD33 Thank you :)
I have "proof" as well and it all bugs me a lot.
And besides that I get memories of forcing attraction to guys when I originally knew I never did. But its like memories of doing it without realizing it. How would one even do that?
You were 8-10… you were a kid… these actions don’t mean anything about you, especially since it makes you feel anxious and sick… I have real events ocd and HOCD based on explicit content from when I was 14, and 17-18… my HOCD says I’m in denial because of it too…
@Givenup It wasn’t THAT long ago. I’m 16 now. Almost 17 and I just can’t. I’m so scared
@Dothewalkoflife. Still… you were a kid… they don’t mean anything about you…
@Givenup It’s so hard to believe. I want to don’t get me wrong. But it’s so hard.
search up matt marshall on tiktok, he has a video about this!
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@polishgirl I did someone similar and what’s worse is … as a child I enjoyed it
@Dothewalkoflife. - Like you were attracted to the girls?
@Meg Johnson No. Not that I can remember. I just watched things a lot that showed females in a sexual way. I was 8/9 I never m*******ed at all. But that question is so hard to answer and scary because I’m sure you understand how much it can twist things. I’m very scared that now I am gay
@Dothewalkoflife. - Oh yeah, I know how it can twist things. I got those memories of watching tv shows or movies and all of a sudden a naked woman is on the tv, I'd look away and now my mind makes it seem like I was attracted to them. When I'm pretty sure, it just felt awkward as hell. I certainly never worried about it before HOCD.
@Meg Johnson Yeah when I was a kid I never looked away. I found some enjoyment in watching it because it felt like something I shouldn’t be watching. And I can’t remember if I liked it in the sense of being gay. I physically can’t. And that’s what’s scaring me. I’m really scared.
@Dothewalkoflife. - For me, I can't actually tell if I was attracted or not, I just get twisted memories of it. I know for sure at the time, that never crossed my mind, so that makes me think this all must be false. But it uses the fact that I looked away against me. I'm sure if I never looked away it would use that against me too.
I struggle with this a lot too. There are so many memories of things I’ve did, thought, that feel like “proof” but I try to remember that I was just a kid when I did these things, I didn’t really understand what I was doing or why I was doing them, and everybody is curious and does weird things when they’re kids. I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything about who you are now.
I just saw a post on here that reminded me of something I did, or thought I did, nearly 12 years ago. I don’t know exactly when, but my OCD just latched onto it. I don’t even know if the memory is real. I’m freaking out. I was just a kid. Why am I feeling so guilty right now?
I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)
I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔
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