Does this sound like ocd ?

I was diagnosed w ocd as a child but want to know if this in specific sounds like ocd bc this is what causes me the most distress. TW—intrusive thoughts, talk about graphic thoughts I can’t go a single day without imagining my baby dead or imagining his funeral or holding his little dead body or imagining his tombstone. It makes me so sad. Every single day I live with a weight on my chest thinking about what will I do if he dies. I can’t stand waking up and seeing my beautiful baby and wondering if todays going to be the day I get a bad phone call. I have a knot in my stomach every day thinking about how I would plan his funeral or how I’ll continue carrying on if he dies. I am already on antidepressants, and I’ve been on and off of them in the past but nothing has helped before so I kinda figured it wouldn’t help now and it’s not. Some days are worse than others but it is an every day occurance. I don’t know what to do anymore. It makes my life a living hell. I just want to enjoy my baby, not envision them dead every day. I am starting to not enjoy my life anymore. I want to try different medicine but idk if any of it will help. I am so, so sick of this. I’ve lived with intrusive thoughts and fears my whole life but none of them compare to the thought of losing my child. I lay in the bath or bed and just cry and cry and cry and cry imagining my baby dead and imagining never getting to see them again, their smile their laugh and wondering how I’ll survive if they die. It makes me question why I even had a baby to begin with and makes me feel like life isn’t even worth it. I don’t necessarily have physical compulsions that I know of, just this constant thought and thinking about him dying and his funeral and how nad I will miss him. If he smiles at me I see him dead. If he does something cute I wonder if todays going to be the day he dies. Nothing good can ever happen without me getting thoughts of him dying. I just want this hell to end. I am grieving my son before he’s even gone. My husband says he never thinks about him dying because he hasn’t happened so there’s no point in worrying. But it’s almost like I need to know, like I am trying to prepare. I have done this thought process since I was a young kid and it went from my parents to my husband and now to my son. Constantly wondering if he’s going to die and how I’ll survive if he does and constantly thinking about his funeral or ways he could die makes me hate my life.

Cassie:)

Date posted: 2y

Hi friend👋 Firstly I want to thank you for being so vulnerable in this post and talking about something that I’m sure is very painful and can feel shameful at times. I want to preface this by noting that OCD should only be diagnosed by a professional, either a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. That being said, I think it’s worth noting how frequent and distressing these intrusive thoughts are. OCD tends to come into our lives in sneaky ways— such as rumination and mental compulsions that are hard to identify. It sounds like you’ve already done a great job articulating what this experience is like for you. It sounds so hard and scary, and I can imagine it must be exhausting constantly imagining grief. I think what is often missed on people without OCD is that the obsessions can be so overwhelming because they live in the “in-between”. You are not thinking, “okay, my baby has died, now I will focus on what comes next” (which is still excruciating, but does include forward thoughts) instead you are caught in this cycle of the most painful moment, you described it as “getting that call”. This cycle thrives on the idea that there is no forward movement. It is a fixation on the most painful and terrifying image, how awful that would be, and then goes right back to the beginning. That is more than one person can carry. That is too much. If you have the resources to do so, I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in OCD and ERP. There’s many great ones on here. If not, you can practice ERP on your own as well. This may look like saying “maybe he will die, maybe he won’t” when those thoughts arise, and then moving on to a different thought or activity. I wish you all the best and I see how hard this is. You deserve help 💗

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Wow this must be so painful for you and OCD is so cruel. I can’t tell you for sure that it is ocd because I am not a therapist. I will say this - if you believe that it feels like OCD then I would treat it as such. Don’t try to figure it out for sure - ocd will not allow it. I have a rule - when I have thoughts that bring feelings that I associate with ocd then I treat it as ocd. I don’t need to know for sure. I use my experience. Have you had erp therapy ?

Browniegirl5

Date posted: 2y

@Jeffrey I have not. In fact out of all the therapists and psychiatrists I’ve seen none of them have actually implemented any sort of therapy or plan to HELP me. They just make me talk and give me meds. I have my first phone call to set up an apt, this evening.

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Browniegirl5 I am glad that you have an appointment. There are so many therapists out there who do not know that erp is the gold standard for therapy. NOCD therapists are specially trained in ocd. I wish you all the best in your therapy. And remember that we are here for you. This community is very supportive and without judgment. And trust me when I tell you that therapists here have heard all stories so be comfortable that you are not alone. We are in this together.

anonymous_5

Date posted: 23w

Current Obsession

Hi! Just got this app. I don't have an OCD diagnosis, but I have some traits, such as a constant obsession over a topic that causes me distress. Like, fears. It's been pedophilia, racism, global warming, death, secrets I've kept, suicide... Basically everything I don't like the idea of. Now, it's the obsession of my dad passing away. I've come to the realization that if my dad died right now - I'd have to move in with my mom, 2,000 miles away from home. Not only would I lose my district scholarship, which would ruin my plans of going to college, but the room at my mom's house would not be big enough to house all of my belongings, so I'd have to get rid of most my stuff. All of my dad's belongings (books, video games, clothes) wouldn't fit either. Not that my mom would be pleased with me showing up with all of my dad's stuff (they're divorced and not on speaking terms.) I try to counteract these thoughts with things like "dad is not under an active threat" or "even if dad died, I'd figure it out." But I'm still plagued with little jabs from my brain about it. Yesterday, my dad expressed his excitement for this year. He's gotten a new job, we're making more money, we're happy - having the last few years be ruined by my mom running away and other fun things along those lines; we deserve to be excited about this new opportunity. But then he said: "I think this year is gonna be our year." As his daughter, I should be thinking "yeah!" or "right on!", but the only thing that came to my mind was in season 4 of Stranger Things when Eddie Munson says "It's my year, '86, baby!" Before getting eaten by demobats in the upside down. This morning, while driving to school, my dad expressed his happiness about the VaultBoy bobblehead on the dash standing up (there's a magnet on the dashboard that helps him stand, and in our old car, it always fell over.) I just said normal things like "yeah, that's cool, I'm glad." But my mind told me "if dad died right now, would you have time to grab the bobblehead to keep to remember him?" which led to "if dad died right now, would you have time to say goodbye?" I try to push the thoughts away because I tell myself I'm gonna jinx it, and thinking about it manifests it. I try journaling and justifying why none of this would happen, but the thing is; if my dad died, I really would have to move in with my mom, wether I like it or not. I would lose my scholarship, wether I like it or not. Another thought process I have is: "I'd never expect it if my dad died, because in all the stories, it happens when you least expect it." It's like I'm playing a game with my brain, just waiting for the timing of circumstances to lead my dad to his death. I think about it - I manifest it, I don't think about it - it's gonna happen because I'm not prepared. How can I cope with this?

Boston Teach

Date posted: 22w

Intrusive Thoughts About Death of Mother

I had a really bad episode 2 months ago. Started therapy and meds and have been getting better. then this past weekend I was slammed with a completely new set of intrusive thoughts about my mother's mortality. She is alive and well and I see her often but yet I can't shake the idea of her death and how my life will never be the same and eternally broken when she dies. This feels unique because so much of my past OCD are things that either can't happen or are unlikely. But this is certain. We all die. And I have no idea how to start to deal with this.

mamabear0202

Date posted: 11w

Irrational fears as a mom.

Hi everyone, this is giving me so much anxiety even saying this out loud because my OcD is telling me that somehow someone will know who I am on here and report me this goes with what I’m about to say about my irrational stuff. Since my baby was born I’ve had a lot of majorrr anxiety about him getting sick. From there my postpartum ocd spiked. I had this irrational fear someone would falsely report me as a bad mom and I’d get my baby taken from me. I’ve NEVER had anyone tell me I’m a bad mom, as a matter of fact, almost every day I get praised for how good of a mom I am. My child is so loved and taken care of. So why did I have that fear? it CONSUMED ME. Obsessively cleaning my house in case a social worker came. Stopped posting myself having occasional girls nights out for dinner because I thought one of my followers would think I’m a bad mom for getting a break. Not being able to talk about ANYTHING or send pictures of my baby to family and friends to update them since we live out of state because somehow I thought I would say something wrong or do something that would make someone think I’m a bad mom. I was convinced my baby was gonna be taken for zero reason. I still sometimes catch myself over analyzing myself and what I say because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and someone think I’m not a fit mom. I would even replay every scenario I remember and then second guess myself if that really happened or if I said something or not and freak out and spiral from there. with driving, if I go over a speed bump I have to double check it wasn’t magically a person. Then I panic even though I know for a fact it was a speed bump. I hate living like this. I feel crazy. I don’t open up because I feel like I’m the only person in the world. The one time I opened up about driving it was used against me. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m failing as a mom. I don’t even open up to a therapist about my irrational fear about baby being taken bc I don’t want them to think I’m a bad mom. It just doesn’t stop.

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Does this sound like ocd ?

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