- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
If you are really set on keeping this relationship going you both obviously need to sit down and talk about both of your thoughts and feelings (and when you are both not upset). There is not 100% fault in any relationship. Obviously you both have issues with the other or how things are being handled. A good scope to measure for a healthy relationship is having disagreements 20% of the time and the other 80% being pleasant interactions. If that is not happening something needs to change or you might need to move on. An unhealthy relationship is draining and not good for either person.
- Date posted
- 6y
Break up with him. Don’t ever apologize for dealing with your feelings, you don’t have the capacity to ruin someone’s life. You don’t deserve hot and cold because that just makes your anxiety worse. He doesn’t want to take the blame for a breakup but suggests you break up with him? That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to be in a relationship or work through your issues in the relationship. You deserve to be loved for who you are, good and bad. If someone sees you for everything that you are and wants to stay then that’s worth fighting for. All my opinion. I dated a borderline narcissist who would treat me similarly and worse and it was like walking on egg shells and constant anxiety. Finally had to walk away.
- Date posted
- 6y
You know my thoughts: break up with him. Invest in getting better yourself. He’s obviously not going to meet you half way and one person can’t save a relationship. I know the pain of losing him will suck. But I can promise you it will be worth it.
- Date posted
- 6y
Yeah I think my boyfriends a narcissist or has tendencies at least. He had a great no stress life and then I come along with my problems and he doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to. He even told me once when I bought up his ex that she looks much much better than me. Then afterwards he said he didn’t mean it and he says things for revenge. He couldn’t hit me so he spit on me when I tried to keep him in the apartment to talk (I was in a foreign country dependent on him and he was packing and leaving after a fight, I didn’t know when he would be back and I had no money) He tells me I turned him into this monster and he’s not perfect but it’s my fault. Just a few weeks ago he was Skyping me all sweet and saying he will never leave and then one little thing set him off and he needs space and acts cold, which leaves me with anxiety and makes me reach out to him. When I try and talk he shuts down and threatens to block me and says he needs time and space until he’s back to normal. I’m always on edge and I pathetically still love him.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
My all-consuming compulsion is to coddle someone who shows opposition to my boundaries. My boyfriend and I love each other dearly. In fact, he's going to propose soon. But we're working through some really difficult things. When conversations get difficult for him, or he feels the slightest bit of guilt, he totally freezes. He can't talk or make eye contact for awhile. I've been incredibly compassionate about his coping mechanism and his needs (he grew up in an emotionally abusive household), but at the same time, I have needs that must be met, too. The conversations in which he freezes up are ALWAYS ones in which I'm expressing discomfort/hurt about something. What I NEED is to feel validated, to have the space to feel hurt/uncomfortable WITHOUT judgement. Because I am super attentive to him and always ALWAYS validate his hurt, even if it affects me personally. But whether it's big or small, he KEEPS getting really hurt and affected by the things I bring up. His mom is not nice to me, she hasn't been since we met. He's not responsible for her actions, but he IS responsible for defending me when his mom is being super judgemental and rejected me outright, multiple times, even though she didn't even know who I was. I just automatically wasn't good enough. I should be able to trust my boyfriend with valid concerns of mine/expect him to apologize when he's caused discomfort, and he unintentionally invalidates me by guilt-tripping me like crazy. And I've talked to him about this stuff, which is SO HARD. I explain what is and isn't helpful. I brought up therapy, because I can't make him go, but he says he's been trying to ease off his coping response for years to no avail. For this and many other reasons I think he needs professional help (I'm seeing a therapist myself. We both got chronic mental illness that needs addressing somehow). I explained my feelings, I explained what I need. He's starting to try harder to give my emotions space, and say things that validate me. I appreciate it cuz I know the freezing response is something he's trying to fight. It's SO HARD for me not to fawn. My OCD is screaming at me, telling me that I HAVE TO accommodate my boyfriend's feelings, oh I must have hurt him SO BAD, oh imagine how horrible things will be if I DON'T give him reassurance!! But this isn't about him. These conversations with him start because a boundary of MINE has been crossed!! Even if he has a whiny reaction, or has a freezing response that stems from trauma. It STILL causes me too much emotional distress and places blame on me in an unfair way. For example (this is a BRIEF explanation), I've made it clear that I don't want dogs. I've never even had dogs and he knows this. And my boyfriend got really pouty after I reiterated this once, because he thought his dog back home would come live with us after we got married. Mind you, he's NEVER brought this up with me before. I had no idea he wanted his dog to move in with us. The dog has only ever lived at his parents' house. His parents assumed I'd be fine taking on the responsibility of an OLD, SMELLY DOG!!! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME!!! And when I explained my frustration about this assumption to my boyfriend while ALSO sweetly acknowledging how SPECIAL his dog is to him, he broke down and shut down!! It's SO FRUSTRATING when he does that, it's so stressful, it's SUCH a burden on me when my boyfriend doesn't have the capacity to validate my feelings the way I do his! Holding back and not compulsively fawning is SO HARD!!!! But I gotta stand firm---it's NOT fair that I have to edit my true feelings because he's not equipped to be more emotionally present for me.
- Date posted
- 18w
I'm struggling with the thought that my boyfriend cheated on me in the past because a situation. I've asked him many times and he always tells me that nothing happened, but the last time I asked him, he told me to think what I want this time, but also to think if I can be with him after all that, and that if the answer is no, then we shouldn't be together because he's already tired of me always thinking he cheated on me. Now I'm confused because I don't understand why he told me to think about if he cheated on me and if I can be with him despite that. I feel like his reaction means that he was unfaithful. I don't know what to think. Is his reaction suspicious? Or normal because I’ve asked so Many times
- Date posted
- 16w
hi everyone. i feel this is the only platform where i can vent. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. at first, i caught him messaging other girls, asking for their only fans and would message his cousin to text him saying they’re going to the movies that way he can escape with someone else. he would smoke and drink alot. last year, he told me he was drinking after work and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. he did not get home until 4am and expected me to not be mad. he would aggressively throw things whenever he would be upset. this of course, created a lot of anxiety and trauma. that day, i grabbed my things and left. i ended up giving him a 2nd chance because he was begging me and promised he would change. just last night, he did the same exact thing. he was drinking with his coworkers and i called him because it was getting late (8pm). he kept declining and texted he was w his coworkers and not to pick him up because his cousin was going to pick him up to continue drinking. this of course made me very upset and I told him i felt neglected. I told him I was done with our relationship because I cannot continue to tolerate this. he turned off his phone and got home until 1am. he was upset and said i should just wait for him to get home to talk. today, i packed my bags and left. i do not want to continue feeling anxious or neglected. am i in the wrong for packing my things and leaving? should i have stayed and talked to him? i am super heartbroken as we also had a dog who we both love very much. i feel like i lost my 2 loves and my heart is shattered. i would greatly appreciate anyone to respond. thank you!
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