ROCD is killing me...

So a over a month ago I had extremely bad health anxiety/OCD, I always was convinced I was dying but I never had a single doubt about my fiancée, I was scared of dying because I didn't want to lose our life together. I was then diagnosed with POTS, and the health anxieties dimished, but as soon as that did, something in my brain told me "you dont love him anymore" it startled me so much, I didn't understand what I was experiencing, it made me extremely nauseous and panicky, questioning my life. I so badly want to go back to the way it was before, I was so happy. Most of my intrusive thoughts feel like imagery, imagining my life without him, or a thought in my head that I dont recognize him, and "youre falling out of love". I am now super numb, can barely feel anything and its making me think all of this is true. Its like a lightswitch went off and my entire life got flipped upside down. I am also experiencing depersonalization/derealization. I know I love him, I know I do, but now I feel this overwhelming numbness. Its also affecting how I see things I enjoy, I love horror movies, but something in my brain says I don't all the sudden. I know I enjoy like creating art, or having a fascination with bears but my brain is saying " you dont like that anymore" Why is it so convincing. I just want to feel like me again. Has anyone had a similar experience? Love to all❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

This sounds exactly like what I went through the first time my ROCD really took over. I’m currently having another flare up, but just know it does get easier and there are going to be ups and downs with ocd but that doesn’t mean it has to take anything you care about away from you. Just sit with those uncomfortable thoughts and make some erps for yourself. ROCD in my experience is the hardest subtype because it attacks the person you care about so much. And usually in a relationship your partner is that rock or stable safe space. I’ve also noticed a pattern with my ocd. It usually starts with bdd issues, then goes to health fears, then to fearful thoughts about my pets or who I am as a person, then finally when I fight off those thoughts the ROCD usually tries to creep back up. I feel it’s gotten a lot easier to see when it’s happening once you overcome it the first time

SpookyKiwi

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I appreciate everything you said here❤️thank you. It 100% is the worst type to have, its such a shock. Its my first time experiencing this subtype, and it is relentless. I'm trying hard everyday to sit with the thoughts and hopefully it will get easier. The numbness is hands down the worst. Again, I appreciate your words, and I send my best wishes to you!🙏🏻

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@SpookyKiwi The numbness absolutely is the worst because it almost reinforces your fears. But keep in mind that you may be checking how you feel in certain moments and expecting yourself to feel a certain way. You won’t be able to feel the way you should if you’re always checking. It also can be an anxiety response to the stress those thoughts cause. Just know most likely you won’t feel numb forever 😅 and usually it passes once you stop fighting the thoughts. I hope you’re able to overcome your ROCD quickly and I wish you luck on your fight 💪

SpookyKiwi

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Thank you! I really appreciate it, It could definitely be checking feelings, I'm going to try and just go with the flow. Take care💪🏻🙏🏻

k$$

Date posted: 2y

yes i have i’m sorry your going through this you got it

SpookyKiwi

Date posted: 2y

@k$$ Thank you🙏🏻

faye1010

Date posted: 24w

ROCD

Good morning everyone, I need some opinions or help on what people might think is wrong. March 2024 is when I started questioning everything about my relationship for no reason he is everything that I wanted, but my mind is trying to tell me that it isn't April 2024 was probably one of the worst times of my life I stayed home from work because I was constantly crying and totally sick because I didn't know what to do. The thoughts slowly started to not bother me as much. I feel like since it ever started I never have gotten that. Love feeling back for my boyfriend, but I want it back so bad because when I did have it, it was absolutely amazing. I have no desire to kiss him or be intimate with him either which also scares me fast-forward to today. I am waking up with so many doubts in questioning myself. Is this ever gonna go away or am I ever gonna feel that love back for my boyfriend ever again? I feel like I'm wasting his time and my time because it feels never ending. I went to a therapist shortly after starting to deal with this and she didn't really seem to help so now on Wednesday I have a new therapist that specializes in OCD I think does anyone have any advice? Thank you so much in advance.

Mariabae

Date posted: 17w

rocd

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

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ROCD is killing me...

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