Do others feel triggered by dating and struggle with their sexuality?

Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Before anyone reads this please be aware that this can be triggering and some 18+ content is mentioned on here. So I have been recently experiencing HOCD, been experiencing it for a few weeks now (it’s very new to me and something Ive never dealt with). My whole life I have never liked a girl nor have I ever had a crush or fell in love with a girl like I do with men. But just like everyone whenever people get into heat sometimes we watch things to pleasure ourselves. Well for me it’s always been lesbian love and have been doing that for years. There have been times where I go “am I bi” but then I would try to imagine myself with a women sexually and romantically and I would just cringe at the idea of it so I would just tell myself that I don’t and just carry on with my everyday life. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about this and I explained to them that I am not bi because I would simply see lesbian love as something that I can relate to because of how women pleasure themselves can be relatable and because I said that my friend decides to make a comment saying ”idk maybe you are bi or not, you never know until you try” and for some reason that got in my head and for 2 weeks straight I was having non stop thoughts about my sexuality and trying to imagine myself with a girl and I would always cringe but there were times where it felt like “maybe I do want that” and I would panic again because I don’t want that and it’s not me but yet it feels like I’m lying to myself when I know deep down I’m straight. I also forgot to mention that I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s literally everything to me. But during those two weeks I had lack of sleep and constant mental breakdowns because I don’t wanna be bi and I would panic whenever I felt calm and say things like ”it’s okay to be bi just be bi” it also didn’t help that so many of my friends were telling me that nothing is wrong with being bi and to not drop the idea fully. Like I know sexuality isn’t wrong but I want to drop the idea because I myself know deep down I’m straight but ofc my brain goes “nope you’re just tryna convince yourself”. It also ruins me enjoying my relationship because of these thoughts (as well as some ROCD thoughts). Idk I am just struggling with letting the thoughts in and trying not to analyze them or act on them. It’s very tiring 🥺 Like even rn I feel calm having these thoughts and it freaks me out a lil cause it makes me think that it’s true 😭