Feeling anxious about a week-long break with my girlfriend of 8 years.

Hi, I wanted to make a post because I honestly feel really alone. This is going to be long, but please bear with me and let me know if you relate or have any advice. I’m currently dating quite possibly the best guy I’ve ever met. And by FAR the best guy I’ve ever dated. We have such a strong connection and it’s my first healthy, non toxic relationship. He treats me with so much understanding, respect and kindess. But heres the thing. I have truly terrible ADHD, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and depression. And more specifically I’ve come to realize- ROCD. I constantly have thoughts about him not wanting me, lying to me, cheating on me, etc. I’ve seen a lot of posts about having ROCD where you doubt wanting to be with the other person- but I know with everything in me I want to be with this man. What I obsess about is him leaving me. I have constant anxiety, espescially since my PTSD kicked in about a year ago. Whenever I’m physically with him, I feel incredible. I literally do not get anxiety, and if I do its considerably less harmful- and hes there to hold me and comfort me. I have trouble eating because of my anxiety, but with him that’s never the case. We’ll have a great time- but the second I leave I begin to doubt how he feels. Whether he’s with another girl. Whether it’s too good to be true. Wondering when hes going to leave. These thoughts cycle and cycle in my head in a manner that is so all-consuming I can hardly focus on anything else. If I text him and I don’t get a text back I immediately assumt the worse. I thought at the beginning it was just because we hadn’t made it official, and when we did these feeljngs would do away. But then he made it official. And they didn’t. And then I thought when it got more serious they would go away. But then he told me he was falling in love with me( I felt the same). If anything, it made it worse. I told myself when he told me he was really in love it would get better. He did. We said I love you, and still. Constant worry. He’s not a great texter or caller, but I expressed to him how much I need communication and how much it bothers me when he doesn’t respond- and he apologized (WITHOUT getting defensive) and said that he would work on it. And he HAS. But still. It’s a cycle. The anxiety waiting for a text, the dopamine rush when I get it, respond, then wait and it starts again until he responds. Then again. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s tearing me apart. We’re open with each other- so everytime I get a thought I bring it up to him for reassurance. I explained to him that I’ve been hurt so badly before. The last time I was in love/my first love- was a narcissist who took my virginity by raping me and i stayed with him for a year and a half after that until it got to be too much physical and emotional abuse and he then fucked my best friend. Told everyone I was pathological when I tried to warn people about him. Every guy I’ve started to care about since then has lead me on or used me, and the less attention they gave me the more I needed it and the more I prioritized them. My dad was a narcissist who gave me love then would dissapear, or come back and I would have to take care of him as he was depressed and suicidal (I was 4) and to this day relies so heavily on me that when I don’t respond to him he says hes going to kill himself. I understand that I have severe abandonment issues, as well as trauma, and that I most definitely have an anxious attachment style. I’ve been trying so hard for the past two years to heal myself, but now its all the more important because I can tell that even though hes patient, it hurts him that I don’t feel secure, that I don’t seem like I trust him. I said that as time goes on and I get to knkw him more it’ll get easier, but I’m terrified that may not be the case. I’m so worried that I’m going to ruin this thing, that it will be a self fulfilling prophecy and that I’m missing out on this honeymoon phase, on being happy because I’m constantly worried about when it will be taken from me. I’m in therapy and we tlak about this a lot and I know it stems from my low self esteem and people-pleasing tendencies, but it doesn’t really seem to be helping all that much. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have advice?

it feels like im drowning. i feel trapped. ***rocd vent*** my rocd has made things difficult in my relationship with my boyfriend, and i’m frightened that it’s the end i cant breathe without thinking it’s the end of him and me, i cant eat at all and i cant stop living with fear it’s been rocky lately with him, but i’m determined to keep going i want to because i truly cherish him, and love him yet my brain keeps asking me if i really do want to keep going, if i really do love him, and if i’m really okay with spending my days just dreading the end im obviously not, i want things to be okay again, but my ocd keeps haunting and haunting me and i’m so scared that these thoughts are my real ones, that these are my true feelings ive been open about my ocd with him, and this has contributed to the rocky patch it doesn’t help that i’m not formally diagnosed, and it also doesn’t help that i’ve been doubting whether or not i have ocd. (i have what i believe are a lot of the symptoms, but even then i doubt myself) i just feel like i’m drowning. i want peace in my head and in my heart. i want things to be back to normal with him and me, and i want to be happy. it just doesn’t feel the same, and i feel like it’s my fault for starting us on this rocky path. the last thing i want is a breakup, yet my thoughts tell me that i’d like freedom. they chant that i need to escape and run far far away. they make me feel like the only way out of the way i feel is by ending it, and i don’t want to end it. the only things moving me forward is the knowledge that i’ll get to speak to a professional soon (in two weeks), and the hope that things get better in time. thank you to whoever reads my rant, and i’m sorry if this is triggering. i just needed to write how i feel somewhere. reassurance has been driving me downhill, so please don’t reassure me. if possible, just give me advice on how to cope with feeling this way.

Hey everyone, I’m needing some help and would really appreciate it at least one person responded. I need advice. I just recently got broken up with a few days ago by my girlfriend of 3 years. I thought we were gonna last forever and we had plans for the future. My OCD made her so insecure that she couldn’t take it any more. She says she sees herself in a different light now and it’s all because of me :(. I don’t know if this is selfish to say but not only does it make me extremely sad, but also frustrated, because I can’t control that I have OCD. I know I can control my compulsions to an extent but she said “if you know the compulsion would hurt me then why would you say it?” And like I get where she’s coming from but she doesn’t have OCD and I feel like people on this app/in this community would understand what I mean when I say it can be so debilitating at times that you just end up giving into it because your mind takes over. I wish I could go back and reverse all the compulsions I told her but I felt so guilty so I told her things I should’ve kept to myself. I know I shouldn’t beg for her (which I have been) but we have such a strong connection that I see with no one else. She reached out to me first yesterday and wanted to see if I was okay and of course that turned into a 4 hour phone call. I’m determined to save our relationship and need someone’s advice/what they think. It really feels like I’m unlovable and that OCD won and took away the best thing in my life😞I know I should give her space but at the same time, I want to prove to her that our relationship can be better and she that she doesn’t have to feel insecure anymore