Ahhh Snapchat’s sponsored stories having been doing bad things for my HOCD this month

Love how social media allows nudity…I opened up instagram and instantly saw a naked women and that triggered some thoughts making me uncomfortable and second guess my sexuality. 😕I tried my best to tell myself “maybe or maybe not either way I don’t care” and sitting with the discomfort but it’s extremely hard. Especially when I’m currently talking to someone I really like and want to get to know him. Just makes life harder sadly.

SO OCD is getting bad again. Telling me that I'm attracted/like girls when I know I don't but it's bothering me:( I don't want this again

i’ve been dealing with SOOCD for a while now. in the beginning i remember getting random thoughts about secretly being gay because whenever i see a woman portrayed in a sexual manner (like butt naked and/or doing something super sexual) i would get aroused. i used to brush it off because i just knew i didn’t want to be with a woman and i was and always have been only interested in men. I would only get aroused seeing those things in media and ofc porn but never in real life. I would even sit and stare at the content trying to see why i was aroused because it would only give me a groinal feeling and not the same attraction i felt when i saw sexual content about men (i had a HEALTHY libido growing up and all i thought about was men). i would watch music videos and not think anything of it but when something sexual came up or if a woman was nude or doing something sexual i would get aroused and as my anxiety got worse the intrusive thoughts started to pop up and stick around for longer. i tried to understand why it was happening and i realized i was exposed to sexual content at a pretty young age (thank you google) and i knew what sex was and how a woman “should look” during sex and anything that was even a little bit sexual made me aroused . Like me looking at myself naked would arouse me because i felt like “oh this is sexual” ykwim? and if i saw like lacy underwear i would be like “oh this is for sex.” in middle school the world history textbooks had pictures of statues with women without shirts and i automatically got aroused and i was concerned and confused but i realized oh i immediately think this means sex? like a woman only looks like that to have sex? i think my exposure to sexual content at a young age warped my idea of sex and what being sexual is? idk if what i’m saying is making sense. anyways in high school i noticed i started getting urges to watch any sexual content or anything involving sexual content whether it involved girls or guys and that triggered my intrusive thoughts even more. i still had and have no desire to be with a girl. I would rather never marry and be single all my life than even think of experimenting with a girl. basically i’m writing this all bc i was triggered by a cardi b post where she started twerking in a thong out of nowhere (i should’ve expected it) and i got the most massive groinal response and i got extremely anxious and i started thinking “you’ve always been aroused by sexual content like this your gay” “your lying to yourself” “this isn’t just ocd stop lying” “there was too much exploration in your childhood to mean ur straight” “you don’t even have a libido or attraction to men anymore but you get aroused to this?? ur gay”. and so i’m here ranting and not making sense. i miss being boy crazy so fucking much i hate living like this i used to be so BOY CRAZY that these things and experiences and thoughts never affected me but now that it’s all gone and it’s been so long since i’ve felt any of it the intrusive thoughts hit me harder. ok i’m done sorry this is all over the place.