- Date posted
- 2y
Questioning/Guilt
I’ve been questioning if I maybe might have… autism…. and I hate that because I feel like people are gonna look at me and say that I’m a faker or I want attention or something when it’s like… I’m horrible at reading social cues, certain fabrics really bother me or sometimes I can’t wear them (includes shirts with tags, I hate tags tbh) I have “safe” foods and it’s really hard for me try new things that don’t feel okay to try. I have these moments where if I’m in public and feel a lot of pressure or get worried I feel like everyone is looking at me and everything just kinda gets loud and overwhelming and I just want to be alone in quiet and have nobody around me and I do get really really excited at things that make me happy… sounds, colors, small things. Sometimes I fixate on a certain thing so much that it basically becomes all I’m focused on for however long and then it switches again. The one thing that really made me question though is when my best-friend (with autism) said that she also questions if I have it due to the fact that I told her that I feel like I read a book or watch a movie and I find a character I like a lot or relate to a lot and I basically become them until I find another character in the same way. Example: I watched the fault in our stars and I ended up changing my wardrobe/clothing looks to match hazels, I ate the same food they had in the movie and I picked up on her mannerisms. I also explained that I never really feel like myself I feel like I’m like… a “void” and I become what I see or what others want me to be sometimes. Like when you’re playing a video game and you’re on character select and going back and forth with the little arrows choosing between outfits or characters I feel like that. I always have my whole life. Like I’m just a body and I don’t really know “who I am”. Also sometimes when people are talking to me I have to remind myself to listen to them. Like they could be right infront of me talking and my brain is like “they’re talking we need to focus on listening to them” but I get so focused on trying to focus on listening to them that it ends up being that I don’t really fully hear what they’re saying. This has caused a lot of problems for me and I’m trying really hard to be better at social cues and listening more but it’s so hard. My boyfriend gets mad because I have to be told specifically each step of what to do sometimes. Like the other night I was frying chicken and I didn’t know really how to do everything correctly (because of the household I grew up in I was basically raised on fast food so I don’t really know how to cook a lot) so he’s telling me to turn the burner on and put the chicken in but I needed to know exactly what to put it on, how to position it, how long to wait etc. this happens a lot he’ll tell me to do something but I need it broken down into steps (he hates that). Also I have to write lists for everything. This is what my typical list for my day would look like: 10:00 AM : clean my room 10:30 AM: take a shower (Brush teeth, use *certain facial wash* Etc. And if I don’t stick to the exact times I set with everything I do it frustrates me sometimes. I’ve been called really high maintenance because of these issues and after looking into some of my favorite creators who happen to be autistic and experience the same things it’s made me start to question if I am. I don’t like questioning it though because I already feel like people think I fake my OCD and other mental health disorders I don’t want them to think I’m faking something else or just want attention but I also really want answers. I don’t know what to do and I honestly want some advice. I was never diagnosed with autism and don’t think anyone ever thought I had it as a kid. I know I was antisocial as a kid and the doctors and therapists struggled to get me to interact with other kids and they said I had early signs of depression and anxiety but that’s all I’ve ever gotten…. Does anyone here have autism or have any advice that could help in this situation? Am I a bad person for thinking I might have it? (If you read this far thank you)