Have a lot to say and I can’t edit

My mom is calm. I don’t know what reality is going to look like but I know life is short. I was in pr back in the day and it’s a skill I had to develop for survival. I don’t know what taking care of my mom will look like, is she out of the woods. I’m not sure yet. Time will tell. I was “normal” and tried to take my own life when I became disabled. So this - this is why I think of business dinners and wine on a terrace. Escapism and life is short. I’m not taking care of her to the degree to her families’ expectations. They didn’t take care of her and there is another reason why I’d mention later. I am to blame for my part. But I’m happy she’s alive. Her quality of life - depression, thoughts of dying is what I’m concerned about. I also having to 🦆 ing move. That’s what organizations have been telling me for years. I’m almost at comfort with mixture of respect and lack All I know is that I need to get a job. Focusing on everything wrong with me. I gotta be aware. I got to get out of debt. I got something to prove and I don’t. I’ve moved to places where people don’t know me and I don’t think the states would make a difference and there are no opportunities for the disabled in india. I act strange. I followed Jess from YouTube mulitplityandme who made a career out of her condition, held work and school and I think she has a kid now. That’s where my mind frame is at. My moms alive. The hospital gave my dad visa confirmations for her family in india. I am not great at comfort, I’m great at finding who can do that.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for the update. Life is short. I’m glad you are evaluating where you are and where you want to be.

Wednesday46

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P 🙏♥️

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@Cherryfizz 🙏❤️to you too.

Wednesday46

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P Living with my parents is not a good idea. I ran away from home last March when I got a pre approved line of credit with my bank 🏦. In the end I spent $17500, ended up in the shelter system and dragged my moms name (stepmom) through the mud with the community- she had just come back from india last January after her sister died of cancer and her nephew committed suicide. I was angry 😠 at her. Since she was in india for 2 years due to COVID I had to fend bullying for myself but also realized a lot of the advice she gave was horrible. I’m not a mom but act like one sometimes to younger people. It makes the ocd more acceptable for me. Stare at someone strange and mother them - they don’t see me as a threat. Anyhow I had to deal with those sins and abuses during her first couple of nights in the icu. Luckily I was an amazing daughter up till 2020 ( she’s my stepmom) so I feel like I’ve only been bad for a year to a year and a half, compensating for the 11 years prior. My mother’s death which was a suicide wasn’t even all mine fault but took 16 years of therapy to get though because I chose to live in the house she did it. I took care of my dad’s second marriage to my stepmom and I think it’s finally time to think of my own marriage because becoming a social media influencer with 4 billion followers are not in the cards for me. Right now, wax my face, do my eyebrows, dye out the greys so medical staff don’t think I’m trying to be my dads wife. When I was suicidal- I just lost the “hotness” and some cognitive skills. Now I deal with the fear of pocd- that being public knowledge now and have a preteen neice who knows I’m not like that but my brother does want his kids to keep a bit of a distance from me

Wednesday46

Date posted: 2y

@Cherryfizz Which is totally understandable. I’m here to get a life back so I’m not a complete stranger to them

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@Cherryfizz I’m sorry you’ve been through so much and are glad you are figuring out how to get your life back.

Wednesday46

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P thanks 🙏❤️ I’m not taking care of the basics so I’m very angry at myself cuz I keep decaying. Exercise, nutrition, job (make brain work) And I have resentment towards my stepmom. She knows it’s my dad who cares about her and I’ll think of my health first before hers

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@Cherryfizz You’ll get there.

Wednesday46

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P Thanks

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond