ROCD vs. Legitimate Concerns

You all inspire me greatly and your constant bravery is so encouraging. I’m newer here. My biggest question is - how have you all that deal with ROCD and have had success in managing it, sift through the differences of ROCD thoughts (which drive self sabotage) vs. legitimate concerns in a relationship or partners behavior? Do you find at times ROCD grabs hold of something small or normal in relationship conflict (like white lies from your partner or defensiveness) and blow it up to larger than life indicators that drive your anxiety/ruminations to be incessant? How do you cope? (I just started ERP)

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Don’t treat it as ROCD anymore. Remember the problem is not the problem. It’s the reaction to the thoughts or feelings that come from the triggering situations that’s the problem. So what if you have no reaction at all? Obviously this is the easiest thing to say as otherwise OCD would be the easiest monster to beat in the world. However with OCD, you starve it. When the thoughts come that say, “I can’t do that, because I don’t love him/her”, you might say sure, and do it anyway. You’ll maybe feel anxious, dread, or (insert emotion here), however then you realize that you’re paying too much attention to your feelings. You accept them and move on towards what you wanna do. Do this repeatedly. Then as you move on you notice different things are starting to trigger you? That’s a good sign, because that means your OCD is trying to desperately latch on to something else. Treat it the same. Choose a time in the day to give the OCD thought rumination. Give it 10-15 minutes, whatever you’re comfortable with. Right down those thoughts, what they’re saying, then read them out loud. Rate it and do it again. Over time you’ll see that they’re just silly thoughts that have no bearing on reality. It may take time but I’ve gotten to points where I end up laughing about some thoughts that used to drive me mad. Every time I’m gay pops into my head I have a big ol smile and say, “yup the gayest”. The point is there’s no perfect answer for your specific theme or obsession that’s the compulsive behavior at work. When you find yourself looking for that answer stop yourself, agree or be neutral, and direct your attention somewhere you’d rather direct it. Hope that made sense.

LaraW

Date posted: 2y

Hi there, I can confirm from what I read from others and what I experience myself that OCD can attach to the most trivial things and make you feel like they are so important/worthy of attention/need to solved. Tiny things like the way your partner says a phrase, the way they wear their hair, one thing that they say can replay and then you might feel the need to tell them, either to confess, seek reassurance or try to fix that problem so that everything is ok. I have found set times for ERP to be difficult, so I try to do it with these kinds of triggers that come up naturally. Although my progress has not been linear, I'm doing a lot better than a year ago. How to cope in the moment is honestly the hardest part. The only thing I found in those moments of extreme anxiety is to make the best effort I can to accept how I feel and realise that feeling like this is ok, I don't need to act on it, I don't need complete certainty. I also remind myself that as I've gotten better this is happening less frequently and even if I can't access the feeling right now, I remind myself that I have often felt fine and this will be no exception. Sometimes you can seek some support from your partner (without seeking reassurance) simply by saying today is a bad day without specifics. Sometimes that can help.

anonn

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

ROCD intrusive thoughts

no clue if this is compulsive, but I’m interested to hear any obsessions others have that aren’t the “common” ones you see online about what ROCD is? a few for me: - thoughts about their partner being with someone else instead (sometimes a specific person) and then trying to analyze your reaction to it? e.g. does it *feel* more right than us, do I actually feel happy for them, etc. - trying to imagine your partner in your current situation or maybe a specific future situation (when they’re not around) and trying to decide if they “fit” in it? - being super scared of losing them, then suddenly feeling like you don’t care much for them at all, and just constantly cycling? - I almost never fully enjoyed sex because I was constantly obsessing about whether or not I was turned on, turned on “enough,” if I was just having groinal responses and wasn’t actually turned on, looking at his face just to decide if I find him attractive enough, comparing my experience with how I feel watching content alone, etc.

Songtothesiren

Date posted: 20w

Rocd

Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?

Catherine Na...

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 19w

ROCD this Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love, however if you are living with Relationship OCD (ROCD) this can be a very triggering day. Relationship OCD is essentially, the fear of being in the wrong relationship, not truly loving your partner, or not being loved by your partner. This makes you doubt the true nature of your relationship and makes you believe that your entire relationship is based on lies. It can make you feel like a bad person and not worthy of love. ROCD will make you believe that you need to leave the relationship just to find some peace. When we think about ROCD we often think that this only applies to romantic relationships, however ROCD can impact friendships and family relationships as well. ROCD will attack whatever relationship is most important to you. As an ERP therapist some of the most common obsessions that I have seen include “Is my partner ‘The One’”? “Maybe I am meant to be with someone else”. “What if my partner cheats on me or worse I cheat on him/her”? “I find X attractive. Should I break up with my partner and be with X”? “Do I even love my partner? What if they don’t love me?” This list could go on and on. The basis of all of these intrusive thoughts is fear and doubt. The compulsions associated with ROCD are vast. The most common include checking feelings to make sure you really love your partner, avoidance behaviors, reassurance seeking behaviors both from your partner and from others and ruminating on the relationship in the hopes of figuring out if this is the “right” relationship for you. ROCD, as in most theses in OCD, wants 100% uncertainty that this relationship will work out with no conflict or compromise. The problem is this is unrealistic. All relationships will have some level of conflict and compromise in them. There is no “perfect relationship”. Most of us have grown up with fairy tales where one true love will come and sweep up off our feet. Life and relationships can be messy and complicated, but they are worth it and are a key aspect of what makes us human. The fact is ROCD makes you doubt everything and will take the joy, excitement and contentment out of the relationship. The good news is that treatment is available, and it is possible to have a long, happy, fulfilling relationship despite ROCD fears. It does take time, perseverance and patience. Treatment using Exposure Response Prevention has been proven to lessen intrusive thoughts. You will learn to manage your expectations of the relationships while leaning into your fears and learning to accept the uncomfortable feelings. By doing this, you can bring joy and contentment back into you life and your relationships. I'd love to hear about how ROCD is showing up for you. Share your experiences in the comments below or ask your questions about ROCD and I will respond to them.

Relationship OCD

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ROCD vs. Legitimate Concerns

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